Inappropriate thoughts about kids
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Greybeard
Registrant
My T told me that everyone has all manner of inappropriate thoughts, not just about kids. Fleeting ideas that pass through our brains. There is nothing wrong with weird, random thoughts. And for people who have suffered abuse, inappropriate sexual thoughts are going to be very common. But actions are the important thing, not thoughts. We have no choice in what our brains hand us. We have choice in the actions that we take.
And what if your actions in the past have been absolutely disgusting...
i at one point was wanking to horse porn. i'm fucking disgusting i know. but how do i forgive such depravity?
Bornfree
Registrant
I was afraid to ask about that. Thanks., yes I do fantasize about being with a 12 - 14 yr old boys but if I ever did I'd kill myself first! In reality, no I would not have a sexual relationship with a boy!, as much as I think I'd like to. I just couldn't see myself screwing up another kid!
Greybeard
Registrant
@Bornfree @JBP The thoughts that torment survivors are often based on the abuse we suffered. The shame that goes along with them can be so destructive. It is vital to ones well being to understand that we can control our actions, not what goes running through our brains. The fact that you do not have any intention of inflicting abuse on children is the only thing that really matters. The thoughts or fantasies that go through the mind are simply the leftovers of your abuse. They are nothing to beat yourself up over.
I appreciate everything you say and my goal will be to not beat myself up. I’m only a few weeks into this odyssey and dealing with shame and guilt of my abuse and the acting out I did as an adult is a challenge I’m still struggling with.
So I think that these feelings are actually deep seeded thoughts of sexual abuse and that the young boys could be you thinking of yourself while at the age you were abused at. I had to become completely celibate to get those thoughts to stop. I would like to work that out but have not found my way forward yet. This is a hard conversation, one that is important. So thanks for the topic.
I have experience out of body observations of me looking down at what was happening to me. Like it was just happening also seeing myself in the third person.
The shame and guilt does not belong to you, it belonged to the person/people that abused you. Be kind to yourself you were not at fault.
In my opinion, it's very courageous of you to bring this topic up and to share your difficulties with it. For me, it's definitely the most difficult negative lasting (maybe lifelong) effect of abuse to talk openly about, even here, and to have to contend with as a survivor of sexual abuse. And I'm glad you brought it up for my own sake, but I'm sorry you're struggling with it like you are. If there's any negative effect of abuse I'd like to cut out of my brain it's this one. It's the one aspect of my abuse that torments me the most and that I find incredibly difficult to accept. In short, it's like having an unremovable curse that you have to live with daily. I agree with the others in that we are not to blame for the attractions and thoughts that stem from our abuse. But we can become more aware of them like we do here by sharing about them. And just like all the other negative effects of sexual abuse that we are not to blame for awareness of them brings with it choice, and with choice comes responsibilty. So these open discussions are good for us to have, and for that I want to thank you for bringing this topic up. I hope that in some way you are helped by sharing about this.
Take care
Take care
I had them as well. My abuse was from 8-12, at 11 I hit puberty and then was highly sexualized and started acting out (consentually) with another boy my age daily & for years, then of course was all the abusive fantasies in my head too from that early time on. What I came to understand about my faulty childhood abuse coping was that I was left trying to regain my stolen power and control & trying to soothe my very shattered sense of masculinity & self esteem by conquering a beta male. It was always consentual but in my head it was me taking it. From early on I was envious & jealous of other boys and around that time in puberty it got sexualized, thanks to the imprinting of the same sex abuse. As I aged out of childhood, into adolescence and then adulthood all that memory & fantasy came with me. Thankfully I was never around any younger children when this stuff was buzzing in my head, I doubt that I would've ever acted on it, but better safe than sorry. I never went looking for cp because I had enough memory of what I did and fantasized about from back then.
From early on I always measured my very broken self against other males I'd see, this usually brought me back to feeling less than, it fed into my inferiority complex of my broken masculinity and being less than a boy/Man. As I got older I'd still notice the pubescent boys & older and sized them up like I did any other male. I'd often be attracted or jealous of their healthy budding or overt masculinity & self confidence.
What broke this for me was to finally realize that I was indeed a masculine Man. I finally took credit for surviving all that I went through, because unfortunately a lot of guys end up in jail, dead or in the gutter. I made it. I realized that in all my faulty measuring I always counted my every flaw and failure while assuming perfection of the other males and their life situations, I had to realize that a lot of them wouldn't have made it through what I did, also that we didn't start out at an equal place in life, I started from way behind. I had to take stock of all that I accomplished in life and my many, many blessings. All the old tapes forever running in the background throughout life (you are shameful and are a fake & a failure) kept me from seeing the forest for all the trees. Once I came to this realization that I was indeed a real Man I was able to drop that incessant faulty measuring of myself and other males. Once I was confident in who I was as a Man I didn't need to notice or measure other males or be intimidated or jealous of them. For me this also broke all the noticing, measuring, fantasizing & sexualizing the younger males too.
Having those thoughts & fantasies only added to my very toxic shame & guilt, so this was a huge breakthrough for me. Also forgiving myself for having all that in my head too because this is often a normal circumstance due to our abnormal childhoods.
From early on I always measured my very broken self against other males I'd see, this usually brought me back to feeling less than, it fed into my inferiority complex of my broken masculinity and being less than a boy/Man. As I got older I'd still notice the pubescent boys & older and sized them up like I did any other male. I'd often be attracted or jealous of their healthy budding or overt masculinity & self confidence.
What broke this for me was to finally realize that I was indeed a masculine Man. I finally took credit for surviving all that I went through, because unfortunately a lot of guys end up in jail, dead or in the gutter. I made it. I realized that in all my faulty measuring I always counted my every flaw and failure while assuming perfection of the other males and their life situations, I had to realize that a lot of them wouldn't have made it through what I did, also that we didn't start out at an equal place in life, I started from way behind. I had to take stock of all that I accomplished in life and my many, many blessings. All the old tapes forever running in the background throughout life (you are shameful and are a fake & a failure) kept me from seeing the forest for all the trees. Once I came to this realization that I was indeed a real Man I was able to drop that incessant faulty measuring of myself and other males. Once I was confident in who I was as a Man I didn't need to notice or measure other males or be intimidated or jealous of them. For me this also broke all the noticing, measuring, fantasizing & sexualizing the younger males too.
Having those thoughts & fantasies only added to my very toxic shame & guilt, so this was a huge breakthrough for me. Also forgiving myself for having all that in my head too because this is often a normal circumstance due to our abnormal childhoods.
Bornfree
Registrant
Thanks Greybeard. Much of my abuse stems from actual bullying by other boys my age. I was on hyper alert mode constantly. I had to be aware of everyone who was around me all the time at school, and at home on my own property. I never knew what they might try, or do, but last thing I wanted was to be in a fight being held down by one, being beaten by the other or other(s)
une.vie.d.espoir
Registrant
From 8 years hold to 13 years at first it was exploring my friend body, then at 9 or 9 and a half we started to really have sex. Hum my dad was ok whit that said it was normal and i was trying to figgur out what were my taste and feeling about all that.
Whit my psychologist we work about my hypersexualisation, because i was tourmented about all that. that did happend whit my dad. My mind was not prepare for sex at my age, I was only 8.
Whit my psychologist we work about my hypersexualisation, because i was tourmented about all that. that did happend whit my dad. My mind was not prepare for sex at my age, I was only 8.
Not_our_fault
Registrant
Well you and only you would know what you’ve seen and what you still see. If you are seeing something actually harmful to someone then you need to recognise this and get help. There are organisations like STOP that can and will help you. Just remember that you suffered trauma as a child, you are still coming to terms with it.
But as a logical adult, you feel disgusted so you recognise what you’ve seen is wrong which is why you need help just in case it goes further than that and also it will help you stop now. Because thinking things and watching things are very different, there’s a very real child involved and people downloading that enable it. Please seek out an organisation and they will help you work through your troubles, as you seen by the responses you are not alone
I"ve been trying to get help for years now... the last few months have been actual hell. Since my last suicide attempt, I just have nothing left in me to fight... Everything is a fight, just access to basic services is a fight, just trying to find anyone who I can afford for therapy is a fight, everything... there's nothing in this life for me but suffering... and I need to accept that...
the only men that are into me, are the type to have abused and raped me. the old men hiding their sexuality, taking out their aggressions... that's all who have ever wanted anything to do with me. Younger guys (18+) want nothing to do with a fat ugly useless POS like me.
Not_our_fault
Registrant
First of all
You are worth SO much more than to give in to these demons you are left to face, so much more. There will be a turning point in your life. Keep your mind busy!
Well all I can do here is offer an ear any time but if you are considering anything harmful to yourself please call 999/911 first, please do. Look at this thread. So many people have identified themselves in the issues you raised, you could be the one who inspires or even pulls us all out of the darkness.
Bornfree
Registrant
Yes, being in a position where being put in a sexualized situation does a lot of damage to ones self confidence and one's perception of one's body image. These are two of the most troubling spots for children when they are abused. they question themselves, "why did I let this happen?" "am I gay?" but I don't want to be gay, and the questions in one's mind keep on going around and around for years on end. Unfortunately this drives some boys and girls to suicide. Yes, at that point from then on, they no longer feel the pain, but it is such a waste of a potentially great life. For those who end up on the streets taking drugs, alcohol etc to escape their horrors, they become victims of the abuse and shame it caused. How many of you finally walked out of your parents front door as a teen and never looked back? Perhaps your parents were not even aware of the abuse, but knew something was wrong. My parents did not know something was wrong, they just saw me as being lazy and uncaring about my school work. They never asked me any questions as to why I was doing so poorly! I tried to tell them, but they wouldn't listen, so I gave up and they told me to stop talking about having been sick. That was the other troubling spot in my life. Now I had multiple traumas. Eventually buried under everyday life in the hopes of something better but better never came! I remember walking the hallways of the boys private school, stopping one day, looking out the window, -raining that day- and banging my head on the brick wall asking myself, "What's wrong with me?, Why don't I get it? I know I need help, but what kind of help? and the questions just kept pouring out of my head. One day in grade 9 (14 yrs old) I got back yet another math test with a grade of around 37%, As I walked back to my desk after getting it from the teacher, I almost kicked the desk and ran out of the school on that cold raining afternoon, with no coat. Had I done that, it would have been game over for me! Not a pleasant way to go, so instead, I sat down at my desk, put my head down and started crying quietly. 14 yr old boys don't cry especially in public - they are big, tough, can handle anything. Oh ya, great, really!