Inappropriate Conversation in Public. ***TRIGGERS***

Ryan15

Member, Male
I couldn't sleep last night, so I decided to go to the gym and relax in the hot tub and go for a swim. When I got into the hot tub, there were three young men having a conversation about .. . I can't remember what they were talking about at first. All I can remember is the subject of their next conversation. Considering that it was around midnight, I figured that these guys had to be 18 years old.

Out of the blue one of the guys asked his friends when they lost their virginity to girls. Without hesitation, his friends answered his question, and then he told them exactly when he lost his virginity. At this point I wasn't too bothered by it, until they elaborated about their experiences -- in graphic detail! I could not believe the nerve they had to talk about such personal things in so great of detail in a public setting. (I was the only other person there, however.) Then out of nowhere, the same guy who initiated the dirty subject, reached over and slapped one of his friends on the butt and commented on how tight his butt was and asked if he was flexing it. His friends did not seem bothered by any of this.

Now, you're probably wondering why I didn't get up and leave or confront them inspite of the fact that I was feeling very awkward and uncomfortable. Honestly, I do not really know why I chose not to do anything. (Although, I did feel attracted to the guy who seemed to be leading the conversation.) And I was not aroused, so Eventually, the guys left, and then I got out of the hot tub and went and swam some laps before leaving the gym.

What I had herd bothered me a lot, and I felt confused about it all. I ended up calling a friend and going to his place where I performed oral sex on him, but he didn't do anything to me, nor did I ever masturbate. Why didn't I? I don't know.
 
Why do you think they should not be talking about this in public? Sounds like you got aroused by all of this? How is talking about losing their virginity led to you wanting to perform oral sex on a friend? I think there is an opportunity for deep exploration here.
 
You are not, your nervous system is making good choices. You need support not shame. Try to understand the underlying needs of your nervous system. I love you brother.
 
@TW16 We do not need anymore shame in our lives....most of us have lived with shame for too many years. You are not an idiot. The people who told you that when you were younger were cruel and wrong. You need to start believing in yourself. Believing in who and what we are is part of recovery.

I would have been aroused and uncomfortable as well...and would have wanted to stay until they left as well. I should clarify, the "old" me would have wanted to stay (prior to my recovery work) and I hope the "new" me would have left...but I am not sure if I could have pulled myself away.

We have always been taught (at least I was) that we do not talk about sex in public...and certainly not when strangers are present. I understand why it made you uncomfortable as well.

Working through the trauma caused by our abuse takes a lot of work--and frequently, a long time (I am at 3.5 years in recovery and still have a lot of work remaining).

I wish you well on this journey and encourage to keep reading and posting. There are a lot of nice people on this forum who will help you through this process.
 
@TW16 We do not need anymore shame in our lives....most of us have lived with shame for too many years. You are not an idiot. The people who told you that when you were younger were cruel and wrong. You need to start believing in yourself. Believing in who and what we are is part of recovery.

I would have been aroused and uncomfortable as well...and would have wanted to stay until they left as well. I should clarify, the "old" me would have wanted to stay (prior to my recovery work) and I hope the "new" me would have left...but I am not sure if I could have pulled myself away.

We have always been taught (at least I was) that we do not talk about sex in public...and certainly not when strangers are present. I understand why it made you uncomfortable as well.

Working through the trauma caused by our abuse takes a lot of work--and frequently, a long time (I am at 3.5 years in recovery and still have a lot of work remaining).

I wish you well on this journey and encourage to keep reading and posting. There are a lot of nice people on this forum who will help you through this process.
❤️
 
I want to further add that there is always wisdom in the choices we make. There are underlying needs that we are trying to fulfill. For me, I try to seek myself through other men; you can search for my posts on this forum. There is nothing wrong with us. Our response to trauma is normal. Finding these underlying needs and fulfilling them in healthier ways has led me to enormous healing.
 

RavenSurvivor

New Registrant
I couldn't sleep last night, so I decided to go to the gym and relax in the hot tub and go for a swim. When I got into the hot tub, there were three young men having a conversation about .. . I can't remember what they were talking about at first. All I can remember is the subject of their next conversation. Considering that it was around midnight, I figured that these guys had to be 18 years old.

Out of the blue one of the guys asked his friends when they lost their virginity to girls. Without hesitation, his friends answered his question, and then he told them exactly when he lost his virginity. At this point I wasn't too bothered by it, until they elaborated about their experiences -- in graphic detail! I could not believe the nerve they had to talk about such personal things in so great of detail in a public setting. (I was the only other person there, however.) Then out of nowhere, the same guy who initiated the dirty subject, reached over and slapped one of his friends on the butt and commented on how tight his butt was and asked if he was flexing it. His friends did not seem bothered by any of this.

Now, you're probably wondering why I didn't get up and leave or confront them inspite of the fact that I was feeling very awkward and uncomfortable. Honestly, I do not really know why I chose not to do anything. (Although, I did feel attracted to the guy who seemed to be leading the conversation.) And I was not aroused, so Eventually, the guys left, and then I got out of the hot tub and went and swam some laps before leaving the gym.

What I had herd bothered me a lot, and I felt confused about it all. I ended up calling a friend and going to his place where I performed oral sex on him, but he didn't do anything to me, nor did I ever masturbate. Why didn't I? I don't know.
I used to have a regular coupon of guys visit me to get a blowjob, I always swallowed as it’s pleasurable. It’s repeating behaviour from ky male teacher abuser doing it to me. That was 15 1/2 years ago. I’ve remarried and neither of us give a damn about sex anymore but you can never forget what happened sexually. Wanted or otherwise. Please be kind to yourself.
 
Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” Peter Levine
 
@TW16 , in rereading your post, I am assuming you are asking why didn't you do anything when you felt uncomfortable while in the presence of the others. If that is your question, what I wonder is why you felt you had to do anything at all. We are naturally tending to want human interaction, and that is what was happening, even if it is uncomfortable. It is ok to be in uncomfortable situations and not take action. Further, if this was me, I probably would have done nothing as it is another example of my "freeze" response, and that is autonomic nervous system kicking in. I understand that.
For me, I try to seek myself through other men
This comment by @Dost is worth repeating and is still something I struggle with. Understanding and compassion are required!
 
If I were in this situation, I would have joined the conversation. Sounds fun and refreshing. I probably would have told them my own experience of losing my virginity, sounds like the expression of free male spirit! Beautiful

If this happened to me 10 years ago, I probably would have frozen. The expression of free uninhibited male spirit would have reminded me of my own imprisoned and mutilated male spirit. I may have found those men attractive because I could not feel my own masculinity and enjoy it!

Now, I use such energies to amplify the same energy inside me and be one with it. I have lost interest in having sexual interaction with men.
 
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Bornfree

Registrant
I couldn't sleep last night, so I decided to go to the gym and relax in the hot tub and go for a swim. When I got into the hot tub, there were three young men having a conversation about .. . I can't remember what they were talking about at first. All I can remember is the subject of their next conversation. Considering that it was around midnight, I figured that these guys had to be 18 years old.

Out of the blue one of the guys asked his friends when they lost their virginity to girls. Without hesitation, his friends answered his question, and then he told them exactly when he lost his virginity. At this point I wasn't too bothered by it, until they elaborated about their experiences -- in graphic detail! I could not believe the nerve they had to talk about such personal things in so great of detail in a public setting. (I was the only other person there, however.) Then out of nowhere, the same guy who initiated the dirty subject, reached over and slapped one of his friends on the butt and commented on how tight his butt was and asked if he was flexing it. His friends did not seem bothered by any of this.

Now, you're probably wondering why I didn't get up and leave or confront them inspite of the fact that I was feeling very awkward and uncomfortable. Honestly, I do not really know why I chose not to do anything. (Although, I did feel attracted to the guy who seemed to be leading the conversation.) And I was not aroused, so Eventually, the guys left, and then I got out of the hot tub and went and swam some laps before leaving the gym.

What I had herd bothered me a lot, and I felt confused about it all. I ended up calling a friend and going to his place where I performed oral sex on him, but he didn't do anything to me, nor did I ever masturbate. Why didn't I? I don't know.
I remembering all through high-school from I guess grade 10 on, about whether I was still still a virgin. I hated these questions, for one thing, I was naive, and did not even know what a virgin was! I remember one boy, gotta say he was kinda cute, a real girl catcher, said to me that I was a raving stud and something else added on. I can't remember that part at this moment, but I just replied "whatever", and walked away. He never bothered me again, maybe he was gay? I don't know, I know he was trying to invoke an embarrassed reaction out of me, which I did not give him that. Ha, maybe I should have said I'm no virgin my doctor fucked me! But as I said previously, I did not know what those words meant. I know my dad asked me one day if I was gay, - I was horrified that he even asked me that. With the way my brain had been messed up in previous years and the encephalitis, I just had no time for girls or boys. Any free time I had, I rode my bike by myself with hope of finding peace. I did not find the girl of my love for another 10 years!, and for that, I'm grateful I waited, at least on my part.
 

Ryan15

Member, Male
Thank you guys for all of your feedback; I do really appreciate it. After reading your responses and talking to my therapist, I am not so bothered by what had happened. I think that I was weak and vulnerable, and like past experiences, I froze and felt confused. Again, thank you very much.

TW16
 
Thank you guys for all of your feedback; I do really appreciate it. After reading your responses and talking to my therapist, I am not so bothered by what had happened. I think that I was weak and vulnerable, and like past experiences, I froze and felt confused. Again, thank you very much.

TW16
❤️
 

VieEstCombat50

Registrant
I'm late to this, but after reading everything I was wondering to myself (after being in total agreement with you about how inappropriate it was only because YOU, as STRANGER was sitting there. He had to know you could hear and definitely knew you weren't part of their friend group). SO, this is meant with complete non-hurtful honesty: Perhaps he fancied you as well? And wanted to see your reaction? I've seen this happen. As immature as it was and is. But, here is what I have found in some of these examples as told to me by close friends in conversation - please no offence meant, I still try to walk on eggs not wishing to hurt anyone: but, at times those who are grappling with their own sexuality will create such scenarios around others do it as part of their personal way to convince their close machismo friends - particularly if those friends are not inclined to love ANYONE who chooses ANY way of life - to convince them that he's still as straight as them. Despite them not saying anything to that effect and almost giving them away. It becomes obvious after a period of time if one is close to the actual situation. But, all in all, I ALSO despise Alpha Male Shyte like that as you described. My MALE family members did it my entire life which behaviour is what I have alway despised, I hated it in school when it was done to hurt others or to out someone who was innocent or not yet ready, I didn't see much of it in college because of my social groups maybe. But, you would not have been alone to feel awkward about it. Oh and I REALLY love how he put icing on the cake with the "tight ass" comment. Yeah, he has serious issues. I still think Alpha behavior (if I am applying the correct moniker) is men with small penis's trying to make themselves sound even bigger. The Dutch have a saying: The Groot de Auto, The Kline de Lul. Basically, the bigger the car, the smaller the penis. Or whatever big thing that makes up for something. As for the other reaction, yes, it probably was arousing. They were barely clothed - possibly nude, I don't know, I am also supposing they were fit as it was a gym, those are ingredients for arousal if you are dealing with memories of abuse during that time...your body;s memory could have been reacting to the triggers. I will tell you as you have shared this experience. I am taking refresher classes for my art. I LOVE graphic novels and comics. I am going to create one. But, as with architecture, my practicing this art is rusty due to my life circumstances. The human body is a very important role to artist who are trying to learn any or all difficult drawing where there are curves, breaks in lines, circles connected to squares, etc. If you can draw the human body, you can easily be an artist. I take a refresher in Life Study - I think it is also called Figure Drawing. But, the human body is nude. Obviously, they have to be for the lessons. Trust me, they are RARELY if ever reason for arousal. Maybe I have very HIGH standards and have been poisoned by this media body image. Anyway, the other day, as I have been dealing quite badly with my recent situation of past abuse, I thought, hey, I have my art class to look forward to! YES! I get me easel set up, my paper, pencils/pens, you get the point. Ive signed on and we are waiting for the nude model to come in and sit for first pose. I am excited. I can focus on something else. But, this model we have never had came into the studio - seen thru Zoom, btw - it was a younger male maybe in mid-20's, fit, blonde hair, blue-eyed, a smile that made a LOT of people makes comments on the Zoom screens, laughter from class, except for me. I have the pencil in my hand ready to go but this model is SO similar to my sexual abuser that I begin to shake, can't breathe - of all times, why this model? I couldn't stay I had to leave off. Now, I later saw an image of him along with everyone else's own art works - we have personal reviews by each other and instructor with our finished or ongoing art project - and I felt stupid. He was all those things I saw, but he did not look like my abuser. My mind was screwing me over. But, I went through all of that because the memories are causing my body to react as it did when the activity i am remembering is happening. Arousal, unintended. Unwanted. But, arousal nontheless. Yes? Maybe this does not apply; but our mind does crazy things while we struggle through a trigger scenario. If our muscles have "memory" of past exercise, begin to react to new exercise as it did before, why would not our brains and these feelings brought on by our experiences also react? I could be way off and if so, I do apologize. I still seeking answers. I am not a professional. It was just thoughts as I read through this entire grouping.

We are in difficult situations during these moments. I never thought a simple smell, a color - or a young male model with only a few attributes of my abuser - would cause a Trigger Effect. From this book I am reading: Victims No Longer - Mike Lew, has been a huge help to answer many things already. But I can only read a little at a time. Talking about triggering. This book helps but it also causes things to rise to surface you may not be ready for. Stay strong. You are good example of not having fear of sharing on this forum.
 
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