In the dark

In the dark
C

Cement

Registrant
Guys,

I am in the dark. Not too unpleasantly, I suppose, but nevertheless, in the dark.

My PalmPilot broke about a month ago. Without it I have not written, almost at all. I submitted to the conference (poetry under my pen name "Diego Frye") but could not attend and never heard the promised report from one of the organizers. I took the huge step of submitting my writing to some poetry journals, and so far, I have been rejected by about half of them (what a job it was to get that stuff together and send it out).

My baby was born mid August and my wife and I have slept in the same bed twice since. Of course no sex. I know others suffer much worse than I do with sexual dysfunction, and I shouldn't really complain, but for me, the intimacy is a necessary part of feeling good about myself.

I had to stop therapy a couple of months back because my insurance only convers a small amount and my "state victim fund" stopped paying, due to the budget crisis here in California molre than anything else, I expect.

Work has been okay, but a little slow.

I am numb, I think. Back to robot world, in which I pass through days like a train, not really seeing the outside, not stopping. Where am I headed?

I had to force myself to write.

Peace,
James
 
James,

I wish I had gotten to the art exhibit. I specifically wanted to see what you had submitted. I found the best and worst things about the conference were often the same. Too many good things to see and do, too many good things to miss due to hard choices. I missed Ron's (Sans Logos') performance, too, though I haven't heard from anyone about that, either.

Women have different reactions after childbirth. I'm sure you can get more information from some of the partners on the kinds of feelings that they had. Raising a child is difficult, and the level of difficulty doesn't seem to fade as the child grows. The difference is in the kind of care that they require and deserve from their parents. Again, there are parents here with greater experience than I have who can add more. Our kids are 11, 8, and 4 years old, respectively.

Therapy is tough. We never had insurance coverage for any of it. I went to RAINN\'s online list of counseling centers and found county health department services that are helping me a great deal. We continue to do our couple's therapy with the psychologist, but I don't worry about confusing the issues in either session now.

Sexual dysfunction is no fun at all, let me tell you. But I did find that I can meet some needs for intimacy with just some cuddling time, and especially with conversation. It's been difficult making time for one another with all the things going on in the kids lives (new school, new ADHD diagnosis, just starting school, puberty, and so on...), but we are both making the effort. Sometimes it's me keeping things (kids, pets, dishes, whatever) out of Susie's way that is our "time together." That sounds like it's one sided, but it's not. It comes back to me through her beautiful eyes, and she keeps things together when I'm taking care of myself, too. I've learned recently that SD is not a life sentence, either, when there are no physical injuries/impairments.

I have a feeling something like "pass[ing] through days like a train" myself now, but I am finding some good in the journey. I have no real idea where I am headed. I only know that I have seen tremendous love and real recovery among the survivors in MN last month, and I believe in my heart today that those are possible for me. I wish you could have been there, and I hope one day to shake the hand that writes such beautiful poetry.

BTW, please keep writing. I have a hunch that when your head thinks you're numb, your hand will still put real human feeling on paper.

Thanks,

Joe
 
i have gotten published, but unfortunately those were for erotic stories i wrote in my distant past. since, i have thought about returning to writing, because it is really an outlet for me. i guess in the end, it doesnt matter if others like what we write, as long as it helps us. i noticed too that things i liked best, and that people commented they liked are the very things the publishers hated. i dont know how they manage to stay in business if they are so off the mark. who knows, maybe i'm just off the mark.

i also relate to that last remark. it seems like we go through life, not realy a part of it, but more drifting and unfeeling at times. then something comes along like your post to make me feel again.

i have a one-year-old born in august of 2002. they are a huge drain of time and energy, plus i am sure your wife's hormones are still screwy. debbie's doctor is a general practice and a gyno, and she is also my doctor. she once told me it can take up to 2 years for a woman's hormones to go back to what they were. in the meantime it is not uncommon for women to have a reduced libido, partly because of the stress of a new baby, and partly because of hormones. hang in there, and give it time. i think you'll find it will improve, or at least i hope so...

take care of yourself..
jeff
 
thanks, you guys...

Joe, my artwork was not selected for presentation (eek!), but my poetry was read - at least I was told it was going to be read...

I have decided to build a ladder to the moon. Just kidding, but whatever I do, lately, feels like I am building a ladder to the moon.

Thanks for the thoughts ...

Peace,
James
 
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