IN SHOCK AND AWE........

IN SHOCK AND AWE........
T

thecoopstah

Although i'm (very aware) of my (sa) and who victimized me and when it happened, over the thanksgiving holiday i called a family memeber and this memeber asked me "How are things going in your life"...so i told her,anyway,"Richard you told me when you were 11 yrs old that you were beaten and molested ,and that if you said anything you'd be killed" she said...i almost fell out of my chair and passed out from hyperventilating ,i cannot understand why she never told anyone(or me ),about this ..what the f%^&*k is wrong with people ...moreover this is also the 2nd family mbr whom i told this to i've been hiding in my room ever since....to say nothing of the fact my thanksksgiving was ruined.I don't know what to do or how to handle all these revalations that have come up ....i feel so alone,my family ,they're so full of denial...what am i to do with this ...i know in my heart this was (not) my fault however it still makes me crazy....knowing how much i cried out for help and nobody rescued me.....i'm ready to lose it , i really am .
 
Hey bud That would be a shock. Why dont you call her back and ask for more particulars and why nobody did anything. Just a thought. That way you will get a definitive answer rather than imagining reasons that may be incorrect.

But the important thing to really remember is that you are not alone anymore
 
Very sad story.
Sometimes closest people and their attitude of not giving help and protection to us when we needed it more than anything can do the most harm.

Try to remember that you do not have to be victim anymore especially you do not have to take additional burden and guilt of mistakes of other family people toward you.

Ivo
 
My friend,

*sigh*

This is very hard for you to hear, I can tell. It IS very hard to hear, particularly from a family member.

When I think back on the woman who saw me being dragged into moron 1's office when he tried to murder me, I often wonder why she didn't see what was really going on. I wonder why no one helped me. I couldn't have done such a great job of hiding it, even if I was an exceptionally gifted 12 year old.

But, and I offer this not as an excuse or to say that it was okay for her to do so, perhaps there were underlying reasons for her not telling anyone. Was she a child herself? Did you ask her not to tell and did she feel bound by that promise? Was she abused herself? Did she know the abuser, and was he scary to her?

None of this makes it okay, but it can go a long way to helping you understand the WHY of it, and maybe bring some peace to your own heart, if nothing else.

Nothing will ever make it okay. The abuse, the denial, none of it. But I'm discovering, moreso recently, that understanding can go a long way to helping us put this crap back where it belongs. In the past, and return the power to where it should ALWAYS belong, to us.

I feel the anger and pain you feel, and I hope knowing someone else feels it, has felt it, always will to an extent, will help ease it a little.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Family denial, minimalisation of effect, years down the line we see this crop up with it's ugly head.

GRRR...........Why don't theyh just get it?
They can't, they just expect you to forget, but hey, you haven't been there, so don't tell me to forget.

Let's throw in dirty little boy, or "you must have wanted it"##########

We can suffer only so m;uch in denial, we never forget. Hiw couls we???

take care,

ste
 
That's a really tough way to hear that sort of revelation. And a really tough time of year. For lots of us survivors and recovering people the holiday season can be a real emotional minefield. Looks like someone put one in your path.

Sorry to hear that you're hurting so much. There is a reason for denial. It really is a gift given to help us get through things that we cannot handle at the time.

When I started my path to recovery, this awareness stage was really the worst part. But like so many other things, I was told to do this part too just 'one day at a time'.

Instead of trying to handle the past and the future, I was told to focus on what was in front of me--just taking care of myself one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.

You've done the next right thing by coming here and sharing this with us. And I'm glad you did.

If you have a sponsor, spiritual adviser or a friend who will listen and give you support without trying to judge or fix, then keep talking about it.

I have found it really helpful to look at a situation like this with a really different perspective--like, what is there in this that is going to help me overcome the effects of sexual abuse?

With help and support this sort of event, painful as it is, can become a very important learning experience. This is exactly how so much of my recovery has developed.

At one time my past was a dark secret and something to be ashamed of. The mention of it, much less discussion of it filled me with lots of anxiety and shame.

But talking it over with a trusted friend, turning it over to a power greater than me (like this group MaleSurvivor for example), and treating myself with extra love and gentleness got me through the tough times to where I could actually gain great benefit from what had happened to me.

There really isn't any way around this stuff--I tried to avoid it by drinking and drugging for many years. I don't drink or do drugs any more. I have learned to go slowly and gently through these experiences with lots of love and support from people who really understand.

Those people are not members of my family of origin!!

In any case, you're doing the right things with this, take it easy on yourself as you go through the tough times and remember that you are no longer alone. You've got lots of support right here.

Let us know how things continue to develop, OK?

Regards,
 
Unfortunately the minimalization and denial are typical responses from many families, including my own. I think it is their way of shirking some of the responsibility for what happened. I don't think there is much we can do to change this.
Peace, Andrew
 
It is perhaps me being mean-spirited and bitter, but I begin to think that any family member who was not directly involved in the abuse MUST have been aware of it, at least if they were adult. Of course, I could be quite wrong in that, and somewhat judgemental. I just know in my own history, my mother was quite aware of my father's abuse, as it was directed to her also. Surely she knew enough about abuse to recognize signs of it, so why was not aware of the sexual abuse that was occurring to me? I know that I will not find answers to that, as she has blocked out any hints she may have noticed. But for your family member to SAY that you had actually told that, and nothing was done? That is atrocious. I am very sorry of that. The shock is real and understandable, and I hope that you are able to recover from that additional betrayal. Please find yourself here more, as much as you need to. It can be a tremendous source of support, advice, understanding and compassion.

leosha
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top