in pain

in pain
B

bec

Registrant
hello men:

it is hard to enter this. i am really hurting. days ago i posted about my pain at my fathers return to the town i live in. he abandoned me from birth emotionally and most of my life physically. he is a workaholic.

twice i have been around him in the last week and it really hurts me. i have very strong emotions when near him. the hurt is imense. the anger is strong. i must do something about it.

i have no desire to be abusive toward anyone including him. i want to be my best. i do not wish to lose control of my emotions, especially my anger.

i pray for help. i am in a lot of pain right now. i tell myself i do not deserve this hurt. i feel i have done nothing wrong toward him. i have been the best son i could. and, he has repaid me with something other than true love.

i tell myself an addict cannot give true love and i must understand this. but, at the same time i must protect myself since i cannot rely on anyone else to do this for me.

please men, say a prayer for me and all the rest of us who are struggling. i could really use one right now. sincerely,


bec
 
Bec,

Praying now.

Bring whatever you need to get out here and dump it. You're right you don't deserve the pain. None of us do; none of our partners do. But since we have it, we can turn to one another for help in getting through it.

We're here. I'm praying.

Joe
 
((((((((bec))))))))

Hey bec, be true to yourself and take care of you. You were the good son. He chose not to notice, don't take that to mean that you were anything less than that.

As I have said before, you are under no obligations to him. You need to take care of yourself.

If you are not comfortable being around him, avoid being in that situation. If he calls, don't answer the phone; if he knocks, ask him to leave and shut the door; if you are at the same gathering, be on the other side of the road. If you are uncomfortable, get away. Take care of yourself.

Hang in there and don't let him pressure you into any uncomfortable situation.

Take care my brother, I know your pain.

Bill
 
bec - I am sorry for how he makes you feel because you did not and do not deserve it. When you are around him, it sounds like he reminds you of everything you didn't and don't have. He reminds you of what you couldn't get or be. HOWEVER, you have begun the road to healing! You have come here to be a survivor! You post here to support other's healing and to share what you have and who you are now with the brothers. You are no longer that little boy...try to focus on what you do have and where you are going. You have the power to focus on NOT what was lost but what you have gained for yourself! I know it's not easy but when you see him again, see yourself as in your own eyes, as a man who is a survivor! You take care of you and do what you need to do for you! He had his chance and blew it! It's your turn to take care of you - in safety and love!

Yes, I will remember you in prayer!!

Howard
 
fellow men/survivors:

thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement. i truly appreciate them. and for your prayers.

i want to share that i spoke with my father over the phone yesterday and said some very important things to him.

i was honest about my feelings and my thoughts. i did not hollar or use profanity. i was not abusive. i was honest and real.

i told him i felt very hurt and wanted to be left alone. and i ended the phonecall.

i immediately felt a rush of energy. i felt empowered by what i told him. my spirit felt lighter. it really felt good to tell him the truth.

i do not plan on contacting him. if i see him again before he leaves town i will pray and do the best i can to be real and not abusive.

so we will see what the future holds. and, for now we will do our best to take care of us and meet our needs and not be overly concerned with the needs of others, including our father.

in closing, i recognized while talking to my father that a part of me still loves him. this addict-parent who abandoned us from birth.

like i said before men, the love of a child is an amazing thing. may we all remember this whenever we are around any precious child.

let's all take good care of ourselves and may our gods help us all heal. sincerely,


bec
 
hello men. here is an update:

my father called earlier. i asked why he was calling. he said he wanted to talk to me, his son. i reminded him that i wanted to be left alone. and, he tried to exert his will over me.

he wanted to talk to me he said. he disregarded my wishes. i told him he did not know what i was feeling and i wished to be left alone. all the time he refused to listen.

he just kept on speaking about his need/desire to talk to me. he would not be silent. we were both talking at the same time. so i repeated that i wanted to be left alone. i said goodbye and i hung up the phone.

i then went through some STRONG emotions. i started to feel sick, short of breath, and very anxious. i needed to lay down, pray and practice a deep breathing exercise in order to calm down.

i realized that i felt torn. a part of me wanted to run to him and another part wanted to run away from him.

as i said before the love of a child can be an amazing thing. a part of me still loves him. wow. but, the rest of me feels anger, hurt and great betrayal.

i pray for help in dealing with him if he calls again or visits. "may we think your thoughts, feel your feelings, speak your words, and act your acts Lord." yes. we will do our best and pray.

and the truth is that i have always tried to be the best son i could be toward him. wow.

i believe he doesn't deserve a son like me. i really believe that men. i do. i will be glad when he leaves town and goes home. but the boy in me will probably morn/feel sad.

i think that is all i have men. sincerely,


bec
 
Bec,

i then went through some STRONG emotions.
Click to expand...
And you are a strong man.

Still praying,

Joe
 
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