In need of help and guidance

HelpingHands

Registrant
Hello all,
My name is Jordan. I have been a member of this community before, but have not engaged in discussion for a long time and had to create a new account.
Recently I have returned to intensive outpatient cognitive behavioral therapy for my issues stemming from my experience of being sexually assaulted and molested as a child. I also am working on dealing with post traumatic stress from combat in Iraq.
The reason why I am reaching out to this community again is because of severe depression and anxiety.
I currently work in social services with children and families, and also in behavioral health advocacy. I need to be strong for those who rely on me for guidance and strength, and yet I am having allot of trouble with my own issues. I am happily married to a wonderful man for several years, he is my main support, but he can't help me with everything that I have going on.
As a child I was victimized by my parents, pediatricians, scout leaders, and many others who found me to be an easy target for the fulfillment of their own desires.
I'm struggling with this greatly, and in reality the only reason I keep on living is because of my husband and to be there for all of those who needed my professional help and guidance. I am on the verge of ending it all. I just need friends in the community who understand what I am going through and won't judge me it make assumptions about things they have no clue about.
I really need to just have people who understand what this life is like and are willing to encourage me to go on.
Take care, and stay safe friends.
-Jordan
 
You certainly come to the right place Jordan. It is wonderful that you had the desire and capacity to use your own traumatized past to develop skills that enable you to help others. That is a mark of your healing that shouldn't be overlooked. Even at this moment you have strength you may not be able to recognize. That, of course, is the nature of trauma. When we're triggered by whatever it is almost impossible to come to a clear understanding of what is happening and what is needed. But you DID know to reach out here, which tells me something inside you wants to survive. And yes, it is the love we have for others in our life that can helps keep it together in those dark moments. We're taught that it will be our adult selves who live in this moment who will need to be activated when trauma arises. The damaged parts of ourselves need us to be there, need us to care in all the ways we've learned over the years will help us. Yes, talking with other survivors is one way. Talking with a trusted therapist is another way. Allowing yourself to be held by your partner is another way. He wants you in his life. If you have a spiritual practice, lean into it... prayer, meditation. If moving your body helps, take a walk in nature where we are always reminded that serenity is in this world and we can be part of that simply by being open.

You are not alone Jordan. You don't have to give up on this life you've built through such hard work. You deserve to be here and to find peace and serenity in THIS moment.
 
I just ran an errand for a friend and noted the card another friend had given me as I embarked on my most recent exploration of early trauma that sits in my car. It is a quote from Thich Nhat Hahn that says "Because you are a live, everything is possible." We can understand, of course, that the opposite is also true... NOTHING is possible if we are no longer alive. Personally, I prefer to bet on the possibility life can become better when we learn, at last how to care for ourselves in the most simple way... which says, of course, that WE ARE WORTH IT. We may have concluded otherwise after being abused, but we are no longer obliged to continue believing that. Hang in there Jordan... everything is possible.
 

HelpingHands

Registrant
Visitor,
Thank you for this encouragement and support. I could not make it through the day without y'all's help. I have so many supports in my life, but I find myself often unable to sleep and still left feeling empty and hollow inside. There are so many times in the day that I just want to say fuck it all, and just disappear, even though I know it would leave a hole in so many lives. From what I have learned through therapy is that I dig this hole deeper with repetition of hurtful thoughts, but yet the feeling persists. It seems like there is nothing that fills this great void within me. While there were so many parts of my childhood that were great, they only serve as bitter Sweet memories of what could have been. I've been feeling just totally empty inside recently, I just can't shake this feeling. I have many friends from the Marines who have taken their own lives recently. I know I can't do this, but I find this pain un-bareable. I have done so much in my life to tell myself that I am strong, and yet I feel weak, and worthless.
Thanks so much for this response. I hope you find happiness In your day. <3
-HH
 
YW HH!

I heard last night that a single suicide directly affects 135 people. Glad to hear u r feeling better! Filling the emptiness with more positive things like exquisite self care seems to be a challenge for many of us here. Safety first, & recovery is becoming less overwhelming for me I think. Hoping for success for our collective journeys.
 
Glad to hear that Jordan... I've been told it is ALWAYS one day at a time. I've also been told "easy does it." So we learn each day how best to care for ourselves. Simple things matter... that is why my bed is made and the dishes are washed. I've already meditated and read a couple of daily readers and did a bit of writing in my journal. I also read a bit in the ASCA Survivor to Thriver manual. This is my healing work. We each need to find our own way to ground ourselves and care for ourselves through the day. Be well my cyber friend.
 

HelpingHands

Registrant
OIC,
I imagine we all have similar feelings regarding our experience with abuse and trauma. Some days are better than others in terms of the ability for self care, I find that yoga really helps. I'm not sure if you have tried it before, but when I'm in a real tough spot, I do about an hour of sun salutation. If you are interested, these are the movements.


Thanks OIC. Namaste
<3 HH
 

HelpingHands

Registrant
Glad to hear that Jordan... I've been told it is ALWAYS one day at a time. I've also been told "easy does it." So we learn each day how best to care for ourselves. Simple things matter... that is why my bed is made and the dishes are washed. I've already meditated and read a couple of daily readers and did a bit of writing in my journal. I also read a bit in the ASCA Survivor to Thriver manual. This is my healing work. We each need to find our own way to ground ourselves and care for ourselves through the day. Be well my cyber friend.
Visitor,
It's true, healing and living takes one day at a time, one moment at a time. It's important to live moment to moment, or our lives will pass us by before we know it, and all the pain will cloud the memories of the great times that we have had. My work takes up my day and into the evening, but I live for the special moments each day where I connect positively with someone in my life, either a client, a friend, the kids I mentor, or most importantly my husband. While life can seem like a collage of all events, it is the moments that make it up. These special moments make it worth living, and motivate us to find the next special time to remind us that we are humans and not the objects that our abusers made us feel like. <3
-HH
 

Older1

Registrant
Jordan; you are obviously a caring and giving person. Perhaps you may want to accept help and love from others and not just pour out your energies to help others. Sometimes I feel unworthy to accept care from others; it is humbling, and I prefer to put on a strong face. But, at times I must allow myself to feel sad, mourn, perhaps cry, sleep a while, and return to life refreshed. Take time; be patient; you are worthy; you deserve to continue to grow; you are in a safe place; it gets better.
 

HelpingHands

Registrant
Jordan; you are obviously a caring and giving person. Perhaps you may want to accept help and love from others and not just pour out your energies to help others. Sometimes I feel unworthy to accept care from others; it is humbling, and I prefer to put on a strong face. But, at times I must allow myself to feel sad, mourn, perhaps cry, sleep a while, and return to life refreshed. Take time; be patient; you are worthy; you deserve to continue to grow; you are in a safe place; it gets better.
Older 1,
Thank you for your advice, it's actually something that my therapist has been working with me on for some time. I just feel driven to help people and work to heal deepest hurts of the world. It's hard not to, and at times can become all consuming. I find it hard to live with myself, as I feel so strong, and yet so weak at the same time. I want to leave the world a better place than what it was for me. I live to remind others that there is a light in the darkness of the world, and that they have someone, where I had no one during my abuse. It seems like there is no other way to live with so much pain. My husband is a huge support, and so are my friends, but even they cannot heal the wounds of my childhood. Maybe I will never heal. Thank you for your support.
Namaste.
- HH
 
HH

Thx for the link. The T recommended yoga a couple of years ago & I dabbled in it a little but I think I seem to cope better when my body & mind aren't so connected to each other. Long term side effect, maybe. But the bruises on my extremities might disagree. I tend to walk into the furniture a lot. I have the attention span of a gnat so an hour of anything sounds like torture. I crave sleep until nightmares make me avoid it & stay somewhere between shutting down & starting all over again. Such a paradox this burn out. Reactive survival mode vs responsive thriving mode is thus far an impossible gap to bridge for me. I know the mission is healing but my vision is so short sighted. A real quandary for my reptilian brain I suppose. So I net surf & try to embrace Learning mode instead of panic mode. These are links that insomnia led me to in the recent past.



< 3oic
 

HelpingHands

Registrant
HH

Thx for the link. The T recommended yoga a couple of years ago & I dabbled in it a little but I think I seem to cope better when my body & mind aren't so connected to each other. Long term side effect, maybe. But the bruises on my extremities might disagree. I tend to walk into the furniture a lot. I have the attention span of a gnat so an hour of anything sounds like torture. I crave sleep until nightmares make me avoid it & stay somewhere between shutting down & starting all over again. Such a paradox this burn out. Reactive survival mode vs responsive thriving mode is thus far an impossible gap to bridge for me. I know the mission is healing but my vision is so short sighted. A real quandary for my reptilian brain I suppose. So I net surf & try to embrace Learning mode instead of panic mode. These are links that insomnia led me to in the recent past.



< 3oic
oic,
Thanks for the link. I avoid going to sleep as my dreams are so intense that they feel like reality, where I can smell, and have tactile sensory experiences in them too. I have allot of paper work from my job and school work to keep me busy after a long day, so I just work until I become nearly unconscious, then wander to the bedroom to join my husband for the evening. I'm sure this isn't helping my relationship, but I don't want to be in my dreams. If they aren't related to some abuse, they are about the war in Iraq. It's amazing how much our experiences affect current reality. I find that yoga allows me to focus on my body in a healthy way, and not let my mind wander off so easily. I am so disassociated during sex that I can barely stay focused enough to even stay with it. I would really like to have a healthy sexual relationship with my husband, but I find it difficult as I have this incredible fixation of my experience that sex is not even satisfying. It's very difficult to bring ourselves back to a connection with the physical world, but it seems like it is worth the effort.
Namaste
-HH
 

MACH123

Registrant
My therapy has helped me a lot. I was always just unable to do anything. I really never held a job for any length of time. It's wonderful that any of us can do anything. I can work physically, but I always tried to get people around me to harm me. That sums up my "disability."

So many of us don't make it to the point of telling someone that it's a miracle we are having this conversation at all.

I did a lot of intensive therapy in the last 5-7 years. I feel much better but I admit I'm very isolated and don't have to deal with people outside my immediate family. I think that more than anything has helped me so much.

When people are around I use them to start the abuse all over again. It's a pattern.

But feeling better is good and I am grateful I've had the opportunity and desire to work on it so much. It cost me a lot and my family. But we're still here and we are still working it and I'm actually "doing" more things lately which is very encouraging.

Mostly knowing it's not all my fault or I'm not bad and the filter that created that dictated all my behavior.

I just couldn't see things the way they were, I could only see my own skewed interpretation through my trauma filters.

I hope you feel better. I know what it's like.
 
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