In a funk or just F.....

[bluesky]

I'm in a funk or just fucked up don't know. Was getting out of a sad few weeks but as my life goes there are mines evry where. They hide or I forget their there. This one comes in the form of one of my cousins. About 2 years ago I was at my nices wedding and one of my cousins was there he can up to me put his arm around me and I was back in his room where his brother raped me while he watched the fuck. Well my life fell apart for about a month. Well stupid me I when to a family wedding last night and there he was put out his hand to shake and weak me did exactly that shook his fucking hand then he tryed to touch my face but I moved back and ignored him. The last time this happened I posted about it and I was falling apart. Now I'm so fucking mad at my self I am weak and unable to make a stand and just say fuck off. His brother his drug addicted brother that he loved is no longer he died alone fome an overdose. I hate him for just sitting and watching my shame and for taking pleasure from my suffering. I was 8 years old I was abused once before by my mothers sister there aunt. They where much older like 18 and 20 something. Shit I hate my self for the weakness for not snapping his fucking neck right there in front of everyone but I'm not a killer or pain giver. I am a healer of the sick but not the wicked that I leave to God. I will see my T tomorrow and pray that my path is free of land mines of the mind and the flesh. I hope I don't loose it and just walk away from it all so as not to face my self I hate this. I think it's time to just change my self for some thing else. Shit it can't be done but I think I'm disappearing canceling my work day tomorrow and not coming home not answering phones not going to let any one in not a soul I am in pain and need to save my self from them because they will get me and that will not happen because it will be the end of them and me I will not be taken. No I wont I will fight I will defend my self I am not somebody's tool to use to touch nobody can touch me unless I want them to. So as you can see its fucked up between the ears. I is my karma but no I will not go to any family gatherings if that's what I have to and the fuck will never come to any of my personal occasions.

 

[Shyshark]

blue ... my friend.

Your anger and bitterness is justified.

You should be proud of yourself for having the courage and control to refrain from what could have been an ugly scene.
Your niece's wedding ... or any family event ... is not the proper venue for confronting anyone involved in the abuse.
That is a matter for a private situation.

If you can safely separate your cousin at a future gathering and you feel you are ready by all means go for it ...
if you feel you can handle the possible outcome in that time and place.
I've been there ... it was not a good idea.

There is one thing that intrigues me ...
your cousin trying to touch your face ... that is a supremely intimate thing to do.
Think about the attitude he had.

Perhaps it was a gesture of acknowledgement and regret ... and perhaps a desire for atonement.
That could be your in for a future discussion.

 

[Ceremony]

blue, I'm sorry the triggers of betrayal are storming right now. Your justified rage, and need for protective measures are clear. There are too many unexpected exposures sometimes, some little and build up, others like what you just went through really stir a tornado of thoughts. I'm so sorry.

((((bluesky))))

 

[Chris4TheMill]

bluesky,

I too am very sorry all this happened to you. I would say however that from my vantage point, you are not the weak one, because you are still standing despite all you've been through. Meanwhile, your perp slowly killed himself. You may be in pain but you are on the road toward healing. He didn't choose healing, he went toward death. There is still plenty of hope for you, but for him it's "game over."

I also don't see that you were weak at these two weddings either, you were wise. You used wisdom. Skyshark's assessment is totally spot-on. A family event is not the right place to unleash anger at a family member. I did that once years ago and it really back-fired. No one knew why I lashed out at someone and I ended up looking like a loon. Was ridiculed by everyone there and the person I blew up at became the martyred saint while I became the villain. You don't want that, trust me.

To put it another way - If you had lashed out at your cousin, no one including him would likely have a clue why you did what you did. If you are hurting or angry, I would imagine you would want people to know why.

I am also curious why he tried to touch your face. I too wonder if he has any repentance or regret.

Please don't beat yourself up over any of this. Being cordial to past abusers at family functions VS. avoiding the function is not always a black or white issue. Sometimes I'll just go and be civil to everyone (including the abuser) to balance my needs against those of another family member who is an innocent bystander. Sometimes there is no right or wrong here, it comes down to a matter of choice. As in, can we live with our choice? Sometimes you can wonder afterward of you did the right thing, but best to talk it over with one's therapist before or after. It is not always a case of weak VS. strong, sometimes it just a choice like one of many we have to make as adults.

I agree with the others, your bitterness and anger are justified. Best to get of all that out first so that it settles down to a manageable level. Then if you want to confront your cousin, do it then. Come at him from a position of strength and in a way that he will know why.

 

[zookeeper]

Sometimes words are my worst enemy. The more I write and talk the deeper my mood gets. So let me give what I have left (((((blue sky))))))
Brian

 

[Can_I_Do_This]

Dear Mr. Blue Sky,

You did the right thing by not snapping the deranged criminal's neck, all that would have accomplished is landing you in jail. You are not weak -- you are savvy. Know the difference.

Man, I hope and pray that you can one day -- soon -- get to a place with the abuser where you feel nothing but benign indifference. Where, if you see the deranged criminal again, he doesn't exist, or you go "gray rock" which means communicating in basic words and phrases. You don't give the criminal *anything* of emotional value, not even a handshake. Next time, just act like you didn't see him extend his hand.

Take the power back by doing what seems easy -- just completely ignore the person. It's way harder than it sounds but as you break those emotional and chemical bonds with the abuser you will find your thoughts and feelings becoming clearer, and a feeling of empowerment and freedom will follow.

All the best, hang in there.