.

You are not alone. I go thru phrases of strong sexual desires/impulses and then sometimes acting those desires out. For me, it helps to talk them out - it reduces the desire for me. Hopefully you have someone in your life that you can talk about this with, a friend, T, etc. Sending peace.
 
I remember having some of those feeling. I don’t know how but you get thru it. Your not alone brother. Your not alone. I don’t have the answers, but I know it’s worth pursuing happiness. I hope we both get there.
 
Erik,

Been there, when things happen to us out of our control there becomes an appeal to acting out hoping for more control. Ultimately we are still left going out of control and the release of chemicals in the brain during physical release I have been told can be more addictive then heroin. In my case my own addiction of acting out became a false comforter. Your driving is a request a request that your deep desire is to change even if it's only the scenery around us. You are not alone keep writing, thinking we are on this journey.

Sawyer
 
you are right to categorize the acting out as self destructive behavior. it took me cheating on my wife, getting on this site, and being very angry for a long time to figure out that acting out is not actually just my sexuality.
for me it all comes about from stress and trying to escape from stress.
that lines up with wanting to run away or go away.
talking is sure to help, if its with a trusted friend. that and trying to avoid triggers. I find routine to help me a lot with this. and adding into my routine times where I can just go off the routine for an hour or so and just "escape".
 
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with those urges. I'm back here for the same reason so again you are not alone. Urges to act out sexually, trying to regain control in all the wrong ways, to say nothing of the mental anguish it all causes is not unusual for survivors. I like a lot of the advice I am seeing in this thread and would only add there are lots of resources here and elsewhere to help out. Remember to forgive yourself, learn from your mistakes, and try establishing new activities and routines. BTW I'm 50% talking to myself here : P because believe me I haven't found any of this easy either, I've just heard and hope that it is worth it.
 
Erik

I am sorry for the struggles you endure. Your words of driving away hit home. I did wander, I did leave but for me it was in a fugue. I have no memories of the times in fugue, which doctors say is normal, but it was my way of running away from the present and past. For me it did not end the pain because the pain began with the abuse and I needed to resolve, process the abuse, the triggers and other actions that caused me to relive the past. I did change environment, as doctors and support encouraged and I did not listen for a long time, and it allowed me to heal and not to resort to dissociation to escape. I hope you find some peace, and a place to feel safe so you can heal.

Kevin
 
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After my therapy yesterday I was angry and felt lethally reckless. The desire to just smash my car into a wall or head on collision was a big one. I got home and did some shots, smoked a cigarette or two and started looking up tattoo parlors and where to get piercings. I kept thinking of increasingly worse ways to totally destroy and ruin my life. I am free to do anything I want and no one can stop me, which is both good and bad. I can just up and leave forever and never come home. I can go be homeless and do hard drugs and forget life is even real.
In the end I decided not to do those things, at least right now. Instead I dyed my hair because it was something I think personally is stupid for me and it isn't permanent.
I did however skip my classes and shrug off every responsibility I have. I honestly don't care much about anything anymore. I am failing all my classes but whatever. I am however looking into new jobs or apprenticeships or certificate programs really anything to occupy my time with something constructive because I am bored.
sometimes we need to fob off life for a bit just to remember that we are alive and use the time to do things that remind us that we are.
im glad you are safe.
remember you are a very precious person. you have amazing talents and many people here who want you to succeed.
its hard to remember positive things about ourselves when depression is dragging us down. but you are precious, you are talented and you do have friends here who care so much about you.
 
After my therapy yesterday I was angry and felt lethally reckless. The desire to just smash my car into a wall or head on collision was a big one. I got home and did some shots, smoked a cigarette or two and started looking up tattoo parlors and where to get piercings. I kept thinking of increasingly worse ways to totally destroy and ruin my life. I am free to do anything I want and no one can stop me, which is both good and bad. I can just up and leave forever and never come home. I can go be homeless and do hard drugs and forget life is even real.
In the end I decided not to do those things, at least right now. Instead I dyed my hair because it was something I think personally is stupid for me and it isn't permanent.
I did however skip my classes and shrug off every responsibility I have. I honestly don't care much about anything anymore. I am failing all my classes but whatever. I am however looking into new jobs or apprenticeships or certificate programs really anything to occupy my time with something constructive because I am bored.
 
Erik, I can only say hold on. There are a lot of bad days in this. Most of us have been there. Right now my heart aches for you. Deep breaths, a long walk some play you enjoy. Think of the joys as few as they may seem right now. It’s goi g to be ok again. I know this. Your not alone. Talk to the guys on here. Many are willing to help.
 
I just want to say that even with many things going really not good in my life I have no plan or intention on actually hurting myself. The desires get really strong and impulses loom but I have reached out to my T and my dad to make plans for what to do when things feel inescapable. I just finished another therapy session and I am not in danger of harm.
So glad! Having a plan can really make the difference.
 
I have had strong desires and impulses to act out sexually lately. I have been thinking that I could just straight up (or maybe gay up) and go suck some dudes off or give them handjobs and all that. I can't stop thinking about those impulses. I made a 6 hour drive last night and while in the car I just randomly got really aroused. So I did what anyone would do... masturbate while going 80mph down the interstate. When I finished I just kept driving and thinking "what the fuck is wrong with me?" When i finally got home I masturbated again and thought the same thing. The impulses to just hook up with random dudes, I know are really not good. So I won't act on them. But just I don't know what to make of them.

I think I am self-destructive. I have been intentionally doing things that I know I shouldn't or just no doing things I know I should. I am self-sabotaging and I have no idea what is going on. Also while on the 6 hour night drive I kept thinking that I could just drive away forever and never come home. I could just disappear and runaway. I could get in a car accident and maybe die or at least get really badly hurt and be able to go to a hospital where maybe I could just stay and get help. At any point I could just walk away from everything and no one could stop me. That is terrifying but so inviting.
I may have a solution to your problem. I too have the same urges to do random things with men I think that's because I was sexually assaulted by males and the only way it would hurry up and stop was to let them hurry up and finish. I found that when I feel I'm getting aroused I get on porn and masterbate. Afterwards the urge is gone and I'm fine. Give it a try. It's 1000 times safer than every meeting anyone male or female.
 
How you doing Erik? Appreciate you sharing. I was abused in my childhood. 8 years old to be exact. Two more years would make 20 years. Anyway, I signed up for MS because I was triggered this past Monday. And I told myself enough is enough. I've had several close calls. Yet, I managed to pull.myself back. But this time it was too damn close. I workout to calm my nerves. Usually, I take showers at the gym after my workout. Yet, Monday I wanted to take a cold shower to wake myself up. I was type sluggish. I saw this brown skinned Portuguese dude walking in the shower but ass naked. Dick swinging. I went to the shower, he was standing there shower open. He looked at me while washing himself. I got naked and aroused. He looked at me up and down and liked what he saw. He let me know the shower he was using had the "best" water. I told him I needed the cold water to wake me up. He adjusted it. He stepped out while still looking at me. I closed my eyes for a hot second to let the water hit me. Opened my eyes he was there. It was an awkward silence. Next thing I know we're both looking at each other up and down. Mentally, I was frozen. I was loosing my grip physically. He started jerking his dick. I was doing the same. My heart started beating rapidly. Stomach was tied in knots. It was that feeling of guilt. Like, "Wait, what am I doing?...shit this is 2001 again. Except with an adult" Dude, touched and rubbed the tip of my dick. He left. After that I closed the curtain. 20 minutes later I called a woman I loved and cared about, who I plan to be with someday and knows about my struggles, and I told her what happened. I broke down in the middle of my workout. No one saw me btw. Fast forward to the following day, I got up around 6 am. Went back to the same gym. This time without my shower stuff so I wouldn't be triggered to act out. I see dude stuff in my usual locker. I finally see him in the gym. I told him we need to talk. He told me the time he'll be done. I stalled time and eventually went to the locker room. He got in the shower. I sat on the bench and meditated. All of sudden, I hear this little girls voice. I automatically knew who is it was. It was my unborn daughter's voice. "Daddy, you have to do this for me and mommy " Open my eyes, dude is to the side of me, with his dick out. He asked me what did I want to ask him. I told him the previous day didn't come from a genuine place. That it was really a product of the trauma I experienced as a child. He immediately put his towel back on. And told me that he glad that I told him. I thanked him for understanding.

Why am I telling you this Erik? For one to let you know you're not alone. Two, like me you acknowledged you have a problem. And being proactive with your healing. You are me and I am you
 
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I think I feel like this always but it gets directed at my wife and she complains about it. She's pretty good though I try and imagine it sometimes that it would be tiring to have someone with that kind of need.

But then it overwhelms me and I become angry. So it's anger I have to control and all the psychological factors that go into my peculiar needs which she satisfies.

But that's the life and I mean the whole life. If a long period goes by, like a week lol, I stop being able to function.

I try and be grateful. I live in my head a lot. Like I've said so many times it's more about dominance in my mind but I hardly think it matters what it's called.
 
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