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Erik Zachary
Registrant
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sometimes we need to fob off life for a bit just to remember that we are alive and use the time to do things that remind us that we are.After my therapy yesterday I was angry and felt lethally reckless. The desire to just smash my car into a wall or head on collision was a big one. I got home and did some shots, smoked a cigarette or two and started looking up tattoo parlors and where to get piercings. I kept thinking of increasingly worse ways to totally destroy and ruin my life. I am free to do anything I want and no one can stop me, which is both good and bad. I can just up and leave forever and never come home. I can go be homeless and do hard drugs and forget life is even real.
In the end I decided not to do those things, at least right now. Instead I dyed my hair because it was something I think personally is stupid for me and it isn't permanent.
I did however skip my classes and shrug off every responsibility I have. I honestly don't care much about anything anymore. I am failing all my classes but whatever. I am however looking into new jobs or apprenticeships or certificate programs really anything to occupy my time with something constructive because I am bored.
After my therapy yesterday I was angry and felt lethally reckless. The desire to just smash my car into a wall or head on collision was a big one. I got home and did some shots, smoked a cigarette or two and started looking up tattoo parlors and where to get piercings. I kept thinking of increasingly worse ways to totally destroy and ruin my life. I am free to do anything I want and no one can stop me, which is both good and bad. I can just up and leave forever and never come home. I can go be homeless and do hard drugs and forget life is even real.
In the end I decided not to do those things, at least right now. Instead I dyed my hair because it was something I think personally is stupid for me and it isn't permanent.
I did however skip my classes and shrug off every responsibility I have. I honestly don't care much about anything anymore. I am failing all my classes but whatever. I am however looking into new jobs or apprenticeships or certificate programs really anything to occupy my time with something constructive because I am bored.
So glad! Having a plan can really make the difference.I just want to say that even with many things going really not good in my life I have no plan or intention on actually hurting myself. The desires get really strong and impulses loom but I have reached out to my T and my dad to make plans for what to do when things feel inescapable. I just finished another therapy session and I am not in danger of harm.
I may have a solution to your problem. I too have the same urges to do random things with men I think that's because I was sexually assaulted by males and the only way it would hurry up and stop was to let them hurry up and finish. I found that when I feel I'm getting aroused I get on porn and masterbate. Afterwards the urge is gone and I'm fine. Give it a try. It's 1000 times safer than every meeting anyone male or female.I have had strong desires and impulses to act out sexually lately. I have been thinking that I could just straight up (or maybe gay up) and go suck some dudes off or give them handjobs and all that. I can't stop thinking about those impulses. I made a 6 hour drive last night and while in the car I just randomly got really aroused. So I did what anyone would do... masturbate while going 80mph down the interstate. When I finished I just kept driving and thinking "what the fuck is wrong with me?" When i finally got home I masturbated again and thought the same thing. The impulses to just hook up with random dudes, I know are really not good. So I won't act on them. But just I don't know what to make of them.
I think I am self-destructive. I have been intentionally doing things that I know I shouldn't or just no doing things I know I should. I am self-sabotaging and I have no idea what is going on. Also while on the 6 hour night drive I kept thinking that I could just drive away forever and never come home. I could just disappear and runaway. I could get in a car accident and maybe die or at least get really badly hurt and be able to go to a hospital where maybe I could just stay and get help. At any point I could just walk away from everything and no one could stop me. That is terrifying but so inviting.