Improvements

Improvements
A

ak

Registrant
I think sometime we can get so much loaded down with the bad things, and feel we are not improving, even here. That can be negative to us, and very negative to newer people, who maybe think, oh, I may never get better. It do get better. We need to remember that.

I was thinking to start a thread, where people can say what positive change they see with themself.

For me, there is a very negative coping skill I use to do that I do not do no more. I did it once like 6 or 7 months ago, and felt very bad of it, and have not done it again and do not want to.

I feel now. From time I am 11 or 12 years old until like middle of last year, I did not feel. Not good or bad things, everthing was just close down and numb. I break a bone, do not feel it. A friend dies, not feel it. I win a competition, or do good at something, not feel it. Now I do. This last year, it has been a lot of feelings, not always good, lot of physical pain and sickness, lot of hurt feelings. But there is so much good now too. I feel real, I feel I am real person again, and did not feel that since I am little boy before I leave home.

I do not have so much the fear of speaking, like here. When first I come here, I have so much fear to say anything, afraid because I do not do English so good and any time I would write something, I would erase it, and write it again. I still do that some. But lot of time, when first I come here, I would spend two hours on something to write, something I felt I wanted or needed to say, and then erase it and say nothing. There is not so much that fear now, although somethings I posted yesterday and today, I did have that feeling of, thinking 'they will think you are stupid'. But I leave them there.

I do not think I am stupid as much. I use to think it more, a lot, because I grow up feeling it in school, and then be told it, and then you try to speak in a second language and people laugh at you or you feel they will. I have problems, my brain do not think the way others do maybe, but I am not stupid. Most of time I know that now.

I take back some power. I forgive one of my abusers, the one who make it so that others abuse me also, who let me out to the other men. I forgive him, and take back power from him. I have not had to see him or be near him since I do that, so I do not know if I will still have some fear or be nervous. But it make me feel strong to do that.

I know there is more, but I am hungry now (another improvement, even if I get fat!), so I am just going to post.

Andrei
 
Andrei
I have tears of joy in my eyes.....

Dave :)
 
Andrei, let your voice speak out, your command of English is superb.
You teach me so much in all you say, and i listen to you.
Nobody takes away the little boy within you, and it shows, that he is a real good guy,

ste
 
This is a great idea, Andrei. We need this here.

Yes, things get better. Life gets better. Laughter returns. We recognize happiness again.

The smiles come back. Maybe sometimes they are a broken smile, but they are still Smiles.

The past becomes just memory. It does not intrude on Today.

I have learned the difference between Wishing and Hoping.

I "wished" things were better, or that things had never happened, and I invented a life that had nothing to do with reality.

Now I hope that what I do today will make things better (or not bad) tomorrow. I still dream and imagine, but now I take action and control, because, "To make your dreams come true, first you must wake up."

The best thing, the greatest thing for me has been the recovery of Desire. I am referring to sexual desire especially, because that is where I was harmed the most, but not just sexual desire.

Before, I was like the audience only - watching, listening, and criticizing life but not a part of it.

Now I am the writer, director, producer, and the actor - the star of my life, as much as anyone can be.

I hurt no one, least of all myself. And as I care for me, and honor me, I can care for and honor everyone else.

Donald
 
Here is another improvement I notice today. I speak what I feel sometime now, even if it is not popular thing, even if it is upseting to me and will probable anger the other person. My words count to. My feelings are importent to. My safety mean something too.

angry Andrei
 
Androsh,

Your safety means everything, little brother. I am glad you are realizing the you are not stupid. You never were stupid. You were abused. You are the smartest person I know, and I truly mean that. I say it all the time, but it is true, you are wise far beyond your years!

Ya teybya lyublyu, mvoi brat!
 
Andrei, thanks for having that earlier post marked as triggrs, I cant read stuff like that, so I just glance through it, but cant take it in.
Maybe I just dont want to know its happening, or maybe I am just hoping it is not true.
If it happened somewhere where I live, I would alert the authorities to take action.
I like the way you speak your mind, and there is nothing bad in doing that, nothing bad at all.
It shows you care, in this World,

ste
 
On the idea of improvements. I don't often come here, but as of late I've needed to come where I know people will understand.

I believe I've made tremendous strides over the last 15 years of therapy. Like andrei and others have said, I now have confidence in my feelings. They are real and should be shared. I have new vigor that allows me to participate in the lives around me. I have new found faith in my abilities and I now try to trust my instincts as best a possible. It has taken a long time, but the effort has been well worth it. I actually after all this time can see my progress and enjoy it. Over the years, life was about figuring out what and where the pain is, coping from day to day, hour to hour. I don't sleep through whole weekends any more, afraid to come out, trying to recover from a tough week. I'm back to exercising, playing basketball, riding my bike....I even build up the courage to ask at the park "who has the next game?," something I never could have done even a few years ago.
For a long time I thought that I would never see any end to the pain and struggles of living as a person who was molested. I couldn't even admit to myself that this was playing any part in my depression.
Things are improving and I'm proof of it. The daily struggle sucks ass. But if you believe in yourself, you can make it through. I was pretty close to taking my life. My brother took his own. But something inside me wouldn't let me go through with it....I was able to envision what things might be like if I stuck it out and did a lot of hard work. It has been far from easy, but I have faith in myself. I know now that it wasn't my fault. I have a great therapist and she has always been there for me....even on vacation. Find that help, trust your instincts when it comes to who you feel comfortable talking with, but please find someone. This is the best advice I can give. For me now, the good days are starting to out weigh the bad ones.
Thanks,
Chris
 
I know for sure that there are many more of us who have felt some improvement between now and then,

between the time we found this board and now,

between last week, or last month, or last year and now.....

Hell, I vacuum my apartment once a week now. That is a major improvement for me !!

I would really appreciate seeing what yours are. I take great pride and comfort when I read the good things.

Your mission, should you decide to accept, is to help this topic reach 100 posts before it's back to work Tuesday.

We now resume regularly scheduled programming.

Dude! Change the channel.
 
AK - I am very proud of you (and I believe that many more people here are also).

I remember when I first came here, your friend was one of the most supportive people here (Leosha). I remember that he used to mention his friend that wanted to come here for help but was nervous about doing so.

Andrei - I am so pleased that you did come here and started posting. I always read what you write (and understand everything that you write).

You have so much common sense.

You are a good and strong man Andrei - this planet really needs people like you.

I thank you for your wisdom.

Best wishes ..Rik
 
Andrei,

Fat my ass! ;)

Since we're hanging out together, it seemed fitting to use your computer to respond to your post. (Yes, as you would say, it's ironical). The changes I have seen in you this last year or so have been astronomical, and I am very glad that you have had the courage to share so much of yourself and your spirit here. You are one in the million, for sure.

Don-NY, here is your post! :) Thank you, very much, friend.

Changes, improvements in me? They waver some. They vary. Does not everything? But.

I have been here 2 years next month. I am a different man. A better and stronger man. I have more realization and understanding of myself, my life, my relationships within myself and with everyone around me. I am sure there are some people four or five years ago that could really appreciate the changes I have made, from beeing 'surly' and rather obnoxious at times (an 'arrogant little twit' as a good friend of mine would say) to being I think kinder and gentler and more patient (with other people: still working on that with myself). At same time, although I use words careful, I do know that what I feel and think is of value, and if I feel it, and say it, do it matter what others think of ME? No. I use to care more of that, of what others think of me, then of how I think of myself. Now it is opposite.

I remember two years ago, when all this, the walls start falling down around me and within me, being in constant panic. Of going from panic attack to panic attack, from being myself to being 'other' all day, every day. The reprieve of the states of panic was short, before the next would hit. I truly felt crazy, I was put on I don't know how many medicines, one that almost killed me, and felt like I would never know a sane day again (Um, if I ever did!) Even though I still have very bad days, I have very good ones also. Even though I still disocciate at times to point of losing 'myself', I handle more stress and emotion as 'myself' then as before. I used to go out seeking fights, feeling more alive and validated if someone is physically beating me up. I have not done that in over a year. I used to cut, or hit my head against the wall. Have not done that in more then a year also. I used to use alcohol, a lot, although always it was 'controlled'. But really have had nothing to drink since last November. I am doing better things to improve my health, and have managed to get through another rough winter without landing in hospital.

And recently, in this last week or so, I have learned more to value the opinions of those who know me and love me, rather then the insensitivities of relative strangers. Perhaps more full trust of those I love will be next to come, as it is still struggle. But it gets better. It all gets better.

As a friend said yesterday, we are still alive, and life is good.

Leosha
 
I posted a response today. It is maybe not popular thought, but it is mine. And I tried to say it nicely, because honest, I do not want to cause hurt feelings. But I realized, that was my concern, to not hurt feelings of others. Not of what others may think of me, or people will not like me. I think that is an improvement for me. Long time here, I did not want to say anything to cause anyone to be 'mad' at me, or dislike me. It would bother me that someone is mad at me. Maybe because of my father, and what his anger always was like. But today, it is just not wanting to hurt other's feelings. If someone hates me for what I say or think, so be it. THAT is an improvement.

Leosha
 
I just want to thank you all for reminding me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Some days are harder than others and threads like this make the harder days less hard.

Thanks for the reminder.

Jonathan
 
It's good to see things getting better and to think about those improvements from time to time. I remember when I never had an up day; they were all down. Then I started to have maybe one up day a month. Now I have just a couple of bad days a month.

I enjoy life now most of the time. I don't think about death anymore. I never thought that would happen.

I haven't spoken to my mother in over a month. I'm breaking the umbilical cord that's kept me on her leash for 36 years. And it feels good to live my own life instead of hers.

I'm actually helping people here and there. I needed so much for so long, and now I have days where I even have something to give.

I trust. Now I NEVER thought THAT would happen. I'm trusting people here and trusting new friends outside here. I've found new family, an older couple that know what I've been through and call me "son". My dad never even called me "son". I love these people. And I trust them completely. It feels good.

I've been off porn now for several months, and the other sex compulsions have kind of become irrelavent. I don't think about it, and then I realize, Hey, it's been three weeks since I've reenacted the SA. For me, that's progress.

I have a support group this time around, a friend in Chicago who calls me and I call him when we're dealing with tough stuff. I have you guys. Even my wife has been telling me more about the SA her dad did to her. She's always avoided the whole thing. Consequently, we're closer, and things are working better than they have in a long time.

Even my yard! I've almost gotten rid of the poisonous weeds that killed my horse--my friend. We've got irrigation going starting Monday, so I can bring home new friends.

This is a good thread. Things are looking up. I hope everybody adds something to this thread. We deserve some good news for once.
 
I am responding to this again, because I needed to see to myself that yes, in the years, I have improved, I have healed some.

I am understanding more my feelings, and why I have them. And most of time, I am allowing myself those feelings without judgement.

I have a post coming, but I wanted to reread this for myself, to prove to myself it do get better.

Andrei
 
You've no idea how much happier just hearing you guys say stuff like this just made me. Since 3 am here its 4:30 now just been crying and hitting stuff , even ran the shower right out of hot water. I think i should be able to get some more sleep now.I Love you guys :)
 
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