IMPOTENT RAGE,REVISITED. CAUTION BORING AND LONG

[RJD]

SILENT IMPOTENT RAGE REVISITING
I AM FULL OF SILENT IMPOTENT RAGE RIGHT NOW. TO CARRY THIS RAGE IS VERY FAMILIAR TO ME EVER SINCE MY CHILDHOOD. IS ANY ONE ELSE FAMILIAR WITH THIS NOTION? I HELD MY DYING MOTHER/PERPETRATOR IN MY ARMS LIKE A DEVOTED SON WHEN I WAS 25 YEARS OLD. LIKE A DUTIFUL ZOMBIE I REPRESSED MY IMPOTENT RAGE BECAUSE WHO COULD HEAR IT ANYWAY? I DID WHAT WAS REQUIRED OF ME. THEN SHE COULD BE OUT OF MY LIFE SO NO NEW INCIDENCES COULD HAPPEN ANYMORE. WHAT TOOK HER SO LONG TO DIE?
I HAVE A YOUNGER BROTHER THAT REPLACED ME IN HER BED WHEN I ENTERED THE MILITARY. OUR OLDER BROTHER WAS BOTH OF OUR PERPETRATORS. MY YOUNGER BROTHERS WIFE IS ALSO A SURVIVOR OF SEXUAL TRAUMA IN HER CHILDHOOD. MY JUDGEMENT IS THAT THEY ARE BOTH NON-RECOVERING SURVIVORS. HE INTELLECTUALIZES WHAT HAPPENED TO US. SHE FELT VERY LOVED BY HER PERPETRATOR MOTHER AND UNCLES. EVERY TIME I AM IN THEIR PRESENCE I FEEL LIKE MY WHOLE BODY IS BEING DRAGGED OVER A GIANT POTATO GRATOR. WHEN SHE HUGS ME IT FEELS VERY ICKY AND INAPPROPRIATE. HER SYRUPY SWEET MANNER NAUSIATES ME (TOO MUCH LIKE MY MOTHER.) I HAVE LEARNED TO CHERISH HUGS GIVEN IN SINCERITY, BUT NOT FROM HER. HER ANGER IS CARRIED IN HER SACCARINE SWEETNESS. I HAD TO FLY ON A MOMENTS NOTICE FROM CHICAGO TO PITTSBURG TO RETRIEVE THEM BOTH TO SAVE HIS LIFE. HE CHECKED HIMSELF OUT OF INTENSIVE CARE AGAINST MEDICAL ADVICE. HE WAS IN CRITICAL CONDITION WHEN HE LEFT AND SHE BELIEVES HER HUSBAND KNOWS BEST, AFTER ALL SHE IS ONLY A WOMAN. SHE IS A DINGBAT AND I HAD TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE TWO OF THEM AND THEY ARE MIDDLEAGED ADULTS. I CARE MORE FOR THEM THAN EITHER ONE OF THEM DO. I HEAR FROM THEM THAT GOD WANTS THEM TO DO UNETHICAL THINGS. SHE HAS ASKED ME ON TWO OCCASIONS TO DO SOMETHING UNETHICAL THIS LIST GOES ON AND ON. THIS HYPER-RELIGIOSITY FRIES ME.

THE TRIP BACK TO CHICAGO WAS A 10 HOUR MARATHON THERAPY SESSION FOR INDIVIDUALS THAT ARE INTERESTED IN MAKING ME DO ALL OF THE WORK FOR THEM. I HAVE TOLD THEM REPEATEDLY THAT I CANNOT REPEAT CANNOT BE THEIR THERAPIST. I AM HIS BROTHER. THIS A MENTRA THE WHOLE LAST TEN TO TWENTY YEARS. AND I STILL GET SUCKERED IN AND END UP BEING THE RESPONSIBLE ONE. IM ALSO ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR CARING MORE THAN THEY DO. IM WITH MY DYING MOTHER ALL OVER AGAIN.

P.S. MY WIFE SAYS SHE IS IN AW OF HOW LOVING I AM WITH THEM.

[ November 07, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]

 

Thumbs up and hats off to you, RJD!

You deserve credit for a lot. You not only did what you could for people who sound like they have no concept of "gratitude." At the very least, take credit for not strangling both of those whining slobs before that plane had landed!

I agree, that you've allowed them to waste your time and efforts, and then to come up with more demands on you. You are going to have to close that door. We put up with children because we have hopes that they will grow up and take care of themselves one day. But these folks don't seem to have any intention of doing that!

Your fury is not going to help until you channel it into cutting them off. Otherwise you turn it inward, as you know. You certainly deserve to tell them something like: "Hey, listen up! I've got problems of my own to handle. You are legally adults. Act like it, and stop expecting me to clean up after you ever again, because I will not."

Of course you will have to back it up. I guarantee they will try again!

I also understand from experience the fury you feel toward your mother for her abuse. There is a wrongfullness in a mother violating her bond of trust that can hardly be described. Even if there was no physical violence. Even if her abuse was covert, perhaps hidden under her "caretaking responsibilities" so that it did not LOOK like sexual abuse.

That was the case with me, but it was still was a powerful factor in my psycho-sexual development, and I held furious for years about it. I would like to disclose my own story here, but perhaps in another letter.

Good luck and stay strong!