Image and Inventory

Image and Inventory
M

Mike Church

Registrant
During a recent discussion in the chat room a few of us discussed Self Image and Respect.

WE ALL AGREEED THAT THIS WAS AN IMPORTANT TOPIC.

We talked freely about what it was that was important and issues that we faced. I agreed

to post an inventory of myself in a thread so that the others may comment or add to the

list. Anyone is welcome to post also their feelings and beliefs on this issue.

Things I must accept and cannot change
1. I was physically abused as a child
2. I was physically and sexually assaulted as a teenager
3. I was a male prostitute for three and one half years
4. I became addicted to alcohol and heroin
5. My body was aroused by the sexual abuse and acts of prostitution
6. I have continually re-enacted physically over the years with others
7. I have avoided physical re-enactment with others for four years
8. Love and hate are the strongest human emotions
9. I am a member of AA
10. I am a recovered drug addict
11. I have survived
12. The only thing that I truly own is my own body

These are all facts and cannot be changed no matter how much I want them to. They are

a part of my history

Things that I must change :(

1. I hate myself and feel guilt, shame and revulsion for acts of prostitution and physical re-enactment with others
2. I feel guilty and ashamed that my body was aroused by sexual abuse, acts of prostitution and physical re-enactment with others
3. I believe that all of the abuse was mostly my fault
4. I am angry with myself for all that I have done and because I waited so long to attempt moving from just being a survivor to a state of health
5. I feel trapped at 21
6. I feel fear an trapped when another male touches or holds me in a friendly manner
7. I am addicted to violence being enacted on me
8. I resent authority
9. I continually beat myself up, get the poor mes and have a hard time being gentle with myself
10. 1 hate my body
11. I feel shame and guilt for putting my family at risk as well as myself by my past behaviors.
12. I am terrified of being alone
13. I cannot stand crowds or being confined
14. I feel unclean and unworthy of love or friendship

The above are all feelings, emotions and beliefs that are not all mine. None are facts.

These are major issues that stand in my way of achieving a personal freedom and

comfort with myself. They must be dealt with one at a time. I have started by getting

back in shape. I am learning bit by bit to start to feel good about myself but there are

many slips. I know that I cannot go back to where I have been. That is not an option.

Even the stage I am now at is 1000 times better than it was. I am unsure and fearful of

the future but am determined to leave the comfort zone that I know would eventually do

terrible things to me.

CHARACTER STRENGTHS

1. I am very good at what I enjoy doing.
2. I can be supportive and show consideration, understanding and love for those of us here
3. I believe that action is better than inaction
4. I love my family and all of you without reservation and unconditionally
5. I respect the feelings and emotions of others who are survivors
6. I stand up for what I believe in.
7. I have the ability to multi-task
8. I am a forgiving person

I can do all of the above in any circumstance except in relation to my own situation. In

this I find that my strengths have to a large extent disappeared. I must have the courage

to re-establish those strengths for my personal healing.


CHARACTER WEAKNESSES

1. I am easily angered by family
2. I am abrupt and sometimes belittle my wife and daughter
3. I ignore or do poorly dealing with routine tasks or projects or issues that upset or bore me
4. I constantly seek praise for whatever I do to re-affirm my worth
5. I have no patience ; especially with myself
6. I am easily bored


These issues I must deal with also.

It would seem that the list is insurmountable but I must continue the journey. I owe it to

myself, my family and everyone here. I know that I cannot do it alone yet I am by nature

a loner. Your individual strengths I need and I have no guilt in seeking help from you.

Someone posted that what has happened to us has gone on since the dawn of civilization

and may continue. That means that I believe that I may be able in some small way to

change the future for those that follow in our path.

I welcome any comments and hope that what I have posted here is not a trigger for anyone. It is my concept of the issues with which I must deal and also those things that I cannot change (the facts).
 
Mike:

Wow that is quite a Step Four (a searching & fearless moral inventory of self), & Five (admitting this to ourselves, our Higher Power, and another trusted person) & more!

You inspire me to keep working thru the Steps, even if on my own, and get to the point I got bogged down at last time, what I call the "searing & fearful moral inventory." :eek:

Also what you say goes right along with the Serenity Prayer, which begins: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Doesn't it feel good, even in your mind & spirit, to be healthier & stronger physically. For me, when I take better care of my body, I also feel better & take better care of myself spiritually & emotionally.

I've added 6 more water aerobics classes to the mere three I already had, and after just over a week I'm feeling much better already. Stronger, more focus, more purpose.

You probably do as well. Surely I hope so.

My friend, remember that our weaknesses are often
the flip side, the down side, of our strengths. For me a lot of it is in how I nurture & use what I've got.

For example, patience is far from the most abundant fruit on my tree, too. ;) So I'm working on flipping my impatience over into healthy ambition, drive & motivation to do the right things for myself & for others. Granted its a lot of work, but it's better than wallowing in my impatience about things I can't change or at least change faster.

Thanks for sharing this Mike. Very thot-provoking
& challenging.

Victor
 
Mike, thqat would be aq great talk at an AA speakers meeting.

Bob
 
Mike
that's a great and thought provoking list, I'm working on mine.

Thanks for that
dave
 
Dave: God for you. I am taking it a step at a time. Working on my body right now. The only thing that truly belongs to me. Wish my mind did! But that will come later.

Wuamei: Glad you are working out. And three more classes Great!!! You are right I look in the mirror now and can see that young man I once was and a funny thing is happening; he looks a lot cleaner than I remember. So it does work. Work on your inventory well. It is a real eye opener believe me.

Andrew: Thanks but I have been a coward for so long about everything it is refreshing to be honest more than brave. It makes me feel better. Yeh I got warts and you know now that I have posted them for all to see they are diminished in size. Wow!

Bob: I know what you mean. You know I only played at that thing in AA. Could never really get it done because of all the extra baggage and I have been in AA for 26 years. I have spoken and done it all but the inventory I never disclosed to anyone else. I am open about being in AA caus I am the type of person who if I was vague about it to others I might start to believe that it was all in my head. I now find that by being open about me and the path I took is going a long way to help me deal with it and seek help from all of you. The journey really is not as scary as I thought it might be.

And for that I thank everyone here.
 
I have always had problems with being disgusted with my self image. I never connected it with sa until Jer brought it up in another post. I remember always trying to cover up as much as possible. Even when I was in college, I was in really good shape because I was on the track team and threw discus and javelin. I used to work out between 3 to 6 hours a day sometimes, but I was so disgusted with my appearance I pretty much wore a jacket every where I went just because I thought it was the decent thing to do. Even on hot days.

When I went to my senior prom I wore white gloves because I thought there was something wrong with my hands. Some people looked at them and kind of laughed, but I thought that was the lesser of two evils at the time. I didn't see the Michael Jackson special, but I heard he wore masks and put masks on his kids. Regardless of whether he is a perp or not he was abused, and I can identify with his desire not to be seen (although I'm hoping that is the only thing I agree with him on).

When ever I met someone or saw an actor on television who resembled me I instanly hated that person. I ended up throwing away pictures from family albums of me from the time some of the abuse occured.

When ever anyone commented on the way I looked I immediately took it as an insult. I remember when I was 13 (1979) a girl told me I looked like Andy Gibb. I became enraged and even after she insisted that it was a complement I didn't believe her. I remember being paranoid that my brothers would find out she said that. Maybe that explains my hatred of the Bgs and disco, or maybe even the seventies for that matter.

One time a girl told me I looked exactly like my brother. Again I became enraged and she angrily told me it was a complement and what was my problem. I later found out my brother had dated her for on and off for a long time.

When I worked at a beach I wore shoes all the time because I thought there was something wrong with my feet. I also wore my shirt at all times and although I had passed the class required to be a certified life guard, I didn't take the test for certification. I knew being certified would mean I couldn't wear a shirt or shoes and I would have had to wear a speedo. They let me life guard all the time anyway, and I figured that was good enough for me.

I gain and loose 60 pounds at a time, but now even though I'm 37 and my weight baloons up to 275 at times, when it does I still feel better about myself than when I actually looked good.

Peace
MO Healing
 
Les_Angry

I know all about it brother. But I have found that bvy simply taking the bull by the horms and joining a health club that I am starting to feel good about the one thing I truly own; my body. It also helped to do my inventory because I found that what I cannot change are the facts. All the rest I can work on.
Keep up the healing
Mike
 
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