I'm tired of the pain, shame and fear.

Wow. Where do I start. If I'm not carefull, I can end up writing a book..or short story at least. I found this site while searching for a support group in my area for adult male survivors of sexual abuse. I stumbled here a couple of weeks ago and bookmarked it. These past few days have been exceptionally difficult for me and I am desperatly trying to find a place where I don't have to be afraid and ashamed anymore. So, where do I start. I've got to get this out to someone, to ease the pain that is my life if at least for another day. I experienced sexual, physical and emotional abuse as a child at the hands of people who were supposed to care for me. The person who was supposed to protect me, my dad, was not there. The person who was supposed to nurture me, my mother, allowed the abuse to happen. As an adult, I feel broken, incomplete, lacking. I'm a sex addict who hasn't been able to string together a more than a month of real abstinence from acting out. I'm a husband who is emotionally unavailable, and a dad who loves his son so much but can't give anything to his son. I am at the end of my roap. I want to leave. I want to die sometimes. I am overwhelmed and confused.I'm tired of the pain, shame and fear. I just want to belong.

 

[SoCalJohn]

SB Okay,

I am sorry you had to pay the price of admission, but since you did, you might as well come on in and join the group, sure sounds to me like your a member in good standing!

I think your in the right place and I understand what your going through, it all sounds very familiar to me.

I hope you stick around some and keep talking, that helps lots.

I am glad your here.

John

 

Dear Struggling,

As John has said so well, it's too bad that you had to pay the price of admission to be in this club, but, unfortunately, that's how we all got to be here. As I'm sure you've already surmised, this forum is really about healing. And since I've been participating, I can feel myself healing in so many ways and am grateful to the guys who, like you, have so willingly shared their own experiences in an open and generous way.

For me, probably the most dramatic change occurred right from the getgo...when I discovered - much to my amazement - that I wasn't the only one on the planet who felt as though he were coming apart at the seams! I have felt for decades that I am not "normal," and have spent most of my 50+ years feeling inadequate because of it.

And guess what? I don't know what "normal" is (and long ago I figured out that whatever it is, it's not me!) and have finally come to grips with the fact that I had been expending valuable energy trying to "look" or "appear" typical. Now I am channeling my energies into just being ME...warts and all.

Sexual abuse changes everything in an instant...and lasts a lifetime. Sexual abuse is about power and control. Boys who are sexually abused suffer powerlessness; I suspect in the way that women who are raped experience it. Often victims spend the rest of their lives trying to win back power and control for themselves. Sure, it might have been easier going through life as a "regular," carefree kid. But unfortunately, that was not the hand that I was dealt in this lifetime. Consequently, I spent of my childhood, my adolesence, and my adulthood thinking that I was somehow defective. I wanted more than anything to be like other men...guys who had it together and seemed to be enjoying life.

When male victims of SA become preoccupied with men (and the male physique), they are trying (in their own inexplicable way) to recapture their sexual identity, often longing to look like or "be" the attractive, macho have-it-all-together man that they feel (or have felt) incapable of being. I know what this is like....this is my story. More than anything in the world, we want to look - and be - "normal." The trouble is, we had that opportunity stolen from us the second we were molested, and most of us spend the rest of our lives desperately seeking acceptance and trying to find our place in this crazy world.

The double whammy (and I struggle with this continually) is, of course, that no pornography, acting out behaviors, nor stolen looks at other guys can, as I sometimes say, "put Humpty together again."

But, my friend, together we are healing. In this forum, shame, self-doubt, and fear can be set aside, as there is no judgment. Consequently, we can be who we are....scared, struggling men just like you who want to love and be loved for who we are. Most of us are exhausted from years of trying to "prove" ourselves in order to feel adequate...

This healing is so important....for us, for our partners or wives, and ultimately for our kids. I am so very grateful to the courageous men whose tell-it-like-it-is posts have truly helped me to understand my abuse, to see myself as one of many, to accept myself for who I am, and to heal on many levels.

Welcome, strugglingbutokay, your name says it all...for all of us!

Don