I'm the ultimate COWARD

I'm the ultimate COWARD
B

Brian B14

Registrant
The pain of my abuse is nothing compared to the incredible guilt and shame that I feel for not telling anyone for the past 26 years. By the end of this month, over a million people (1,000,000) will know my name and what happened to me. I'm so scared.

I was around 10 when it started. It continued for over a year. He was a guy who lived down the street. We were very poor and I did any odd job for a dollar or two. He gave me $5 for shoveling snow and he invited me inside to warm up. He served hot chocolate and he even let me look at Playboy Magazines. On my birthday he gave me a BB gun. I thought I was the luckiest kid in the world!! A year later, I wasn't feeling so lucky. I finally got away from him. I tried my best to forget what happened to me.

I got kicked out of high school. I got a GED instead. I was lucky enough to meet this wonderful girl who encouraged me to go back to school. I did well at the Community College and transferred to a 4 year school. My girlfried and I broke up but I was able to work through the pain and memories of abuse to graduate.

****HERE COMES THE GOOD PART**** I then entered the Police Academy and have had a stellar 13 year career complete with over a dozen commendations for all kinds of bull shit. I've saved 2 peoples lives and had a huge impact on dozens more.

I've thought about what that man did to me every single day, yet I continued to go to the bank every week and cash my paycheck from my job as a "public servant". I WAS SUPPOSE TO PROTECT THE PUBLIC AND ALL I DID WAS PROTECT MYSELF. I AM SUCH A COWARD!!!How many children did this man abuse while I was making my way to the bank???? I feel so ashamed.

Its all going to come out. I hunted down my abuser this past Thursday 75 miles from where I grew up. There were 20 children playing on the street when I drove by. I almost threw up. I had to tell someone. I talked to some of the neighbors.

I contacted the local police today. The statue of limitations has long expired in my case so we are starting an investigation into the possibility of recent or current victims. What ever comes out in the investigation, I've talked to a newspaper reporter about my story. I thought that me being a higly decorated police officer would be a nice "twist" to the story (its an unusaul story and people would go out of their way to read it and talk to their kids about sexual abuse issues). Even if he has been clean for years (not likely) I've got to warn the public about him (especially the parents of thoses 20 children playing in the street). As soon as that story gets out, it will make its way to my city. The media will go FUCKING CRAZY!!!! THERE IS OVER ONE MILLION PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN A 50 MILE RADIUS OF MY HOUSE.

I feel like a phoney. I didn't even try to protect the children from this monster. I'm so ashamed. I feel so guilty. I'm a coward. And in a few weeks everyone will know it. I feel like a 10 year old boy. I'm so scared. I don't blame any of you for hating me.

[ 05-10-2001: Message edited by: Brian B14 ]
 
I kept silent too, when I was 30 the same thing was going on, I turned him in to the police and they were hoping to get a current victim to come out. Instead a kids he was hurting called him and tipped him off. He admitted to hurting me that is all. But my actions got him fired from a job that gave him access to boys, and gave important people the knowledge of his actions. Plus rumors were floating around. A few years later w/o work he tried to run for sheriff he did not win. I think I was part of the deciding factor. I am glad I did turn him in.
 
Brian, it was very scary turning him in I was shaking while I was on the phone.

I am still healing, you are doing the right thing. Lift up your chin. Have a great day. :eek:
 
;) I was mad as hell at the police that had help in the arrest of George from the park swimming pool, "to serve and protect", was the moto, of the Denver City Police, maybe still is.
For I did not fine my parents at fault, whom was hurting or letting me get hurt.
Or I did not think bad of George whom was hurting me, with his own hands.
It was the message of the moto, the idea of being protected by someone.

I was only a child also, today I do not find fault with the police men who "serve and protect" God bless to all men of the law.
Not a police state. Not a goverment that is leaded by greedy polictics. But the man who will do rightly, in his job, as best as he can, and I don't find fault in those who need help from time to time.

A few days ago a man using a knife went to one of our schools and was cutting the necks of four, a 7yr and 2- 8yr and 9yr old, boys, he couldn't get any more before he was stop.
fmighell Anc Ak
 
the fact that we are all still alive is proof of not being a coward,the price we pay each day is a paycheck we cash for yesterday, a reason to go on,, to protect even more at your expence is a more stiller event then the media can comprehend, just in the hope that the people who read are not to afraid to touch the flames of guilt or drownd in the sea of tears, we so easly forget how shamfull the fact of the matter is to us,to have existed this long and protected so many shows the strangth that you can harness, the anger and courage must be tiping the rikter scale at the distance which you have spread your pain. i appaud you at your indeaver to spread to each person the fear and distruction that child sexual abuse is. before the curtin closes may we ask that you return safe, thank you,,,,,
 
Brian,you are NOT the ultimate coward. As you and all of us know we wait, and wait, and wait. But you took the step to face the issue of male abuse and are NOW doing something about it. You are taking all the right steps I think so don't call yourselt the untimate coward. You are very far from that. Me I waited for 51 years, and last month I was the only male to speak out agaist sexual abuse at Vanderbilt University while there were lots of women who spoke of women,some of them, rape. The American public is just beginning to accept that male rape DOES happen, in ALL parts of our lifes.You ARE SPEAKING OUT AND ARE TAKING STEPS TO RIGHT WHAT IS WRONG. Don't put yourself down. Keep up the good work. bos aka Michael
 
Brian....YOU ARE NOT THE COWARD HERE, any individual who is strong enough to deal with their sexual victimization as a child is not a coward, in fact...there aren't too many men who are willing to come forward and help our society accept the fact that MEN or boys can be victims of sexual abuse.

Your perp was very good at one thing...MANIPULATION...he or she was probably much older and had control and power over you...a child...NOW THERE IS A COWARD, so you see, you have it a bit mixed up. The sexual predator is the coward here NOT YOU!!! Although I can understand how you feel this way now.

I too want to speak out publicly about my abuse and I hope to do this very soon...not to get back at the person who hurt me, but to help other victims know that they are not alone, that shame, guilt and silence are the glue which keeps sexual abuse firmly in place. Your speaking up can help many people but it also may be very difficult as many may not want to accept what you have to say and I hope that is NOT the case.

I just want to say one more time...I have a HUGE amount of respect for anyone who is strong enough to deal with this type of painful past and for someone who is willing to speak up...I think little by little this has a great impact on our society...only then will we be able to talk about MALE Victimization for what it is....NOT JUST SOME BOY BEING INITIATED INTO MANHOOD! The lucky one who had some premature sexual experiences...this myth must be dispelled and you are helping to do just that...be well, Mark
 
I would think it would be more difficult for a cop to report. You have seen first hand the crap reporters sometimes go through.

But I think we all freeze up at times. The inability to talk about it is some of what they do to us.

Hat's off to ya!
 
Update - The detective assisting me has interviewed almost all the neighbors. There has always been rumors about his sexual preference for young boys. He has grown old beyond his years, is in ill health and looks like the stereotypicial child molester.

We are still waiting to hear from one 15 year old boy who has since moved from the neighborhood. This boy used to do yard work for my abuser. This concerns me because this is how my relationship started with this piece of garbage. I will keep you posted.

I want to thank everyone for their words of encouragement. This is very difficult for me. I know that I have to expose this guy but I feel as though that I am the one thats going to be exposed. I know that sounds very selfish but thats how I feel. I am NOT going to stop. I've been so ashamed and felt so much guilt for so long, there is no way I'm going to stop.

Buckle up Bob, I'm coming after you!!

[ 05-12-2001: Message edited by: Brian B14 ]
 
Hi Brian....Keep up the fight!

As a member of law enforcement, I was wondering what your thoughts might be regarding a topic I recently posted on the board. "Eliminating the statute of limitations for crimes of a sexual nature committed against minors". If you have or will read my post I just want to further explain that what I wrote about the opinion of SOME law enforcement individuals; I do realize this does not apply to all of them. But it was stated to me by a detective who felt it would be a waste of time and tie up the court system because old cases would be hard to prove. This may in fact sometimes be the case, but I believe every victim of such a heinous crime should have the right to hold this individual accountable. Many pedophiles have countless victims, by the time these children feel safe enough to come forward it has usually been many years, and the statute of limitations on that crime have long since expired, just like your case. I believe many offenders are well aware of this...I know that if there wasn't a statute of limitations it would help to put more of these predators behind bars we they can no longer harm children...if it could just put one such person behind bars then this law is worth changing! Okay I will get off my soapbox...but this is one that I feel people pay little attention to, and I think it is VERY VERY important these laws be changed.... :) Mark
 
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT. YOU WERE INOCENT AS A KID. :(
 
BRIAN!
HOORAY!!! Cartwheels in the street! Breaking the cycle of silence. For men it seems to be especially hard to overcome that silence. Everything we are told is to cling onto it and never release it no matter what. We are supposed to feel 'privileged' for every sexual experience. But you understand that is NOT THE CASE. You are going beyond dealing with your own stuff to actually stopping the abuse from continuing. There are so few stories like yours, and I am even more astonished by your story as you say your a police officer. I can't imagine a job in which there is more machismo and the fear of being judged by your fellow officers must have been high. It says a lot about where you've come in your own recovery that you are able to overcome such obstacles.
Take care,
jeb (YEAH! You is da man)
 
Jeb,

I don't feel like "da man"!! I am scared to death what the cops who work with me and for me are going to think. As a cop, this is something you just don't talk about.

I have talked to the Chief of Police of my department. He was very supportive and made several good observations and suggestions. I'm more concerned with what the rank and file members are going to think. I'm not nearly as courageous as you think I am.

Brian
 
Brian,

You are a brave person. It took me 38 years to start to deal with the abuse that happened to me. I commend you. The people that know you will support you, the ignorant people are often very reluctant to see the world around them in an unfavorable light. You have friends here.

Steve
 
UPDATE - I had my first face to face meeting this morning with the investigator that I'm working with. We have some more backgroung information that we need to gather before we bring him in for an "interview". It may be another week or two but we are making progress!!

I feel really good about doing this. I feel so relieved that I decided to take this road. I'm finally doing something to take back my life. I can't wait until this is over. I can't wait to put my life back together and finally have the opportunity to be "HAPPY". I'm looking forward to letting go of the all the guilt, shame and anger that has consumed my life.

I'm so grateful for this site and all of you for being so supportive these past two weeks.

May God bless all of you!

Brian
 
Brian,

You cant do stuff till your able to do it, ok?

You got to it, try thinking about all the kids who you just saved from the same fate, i bet there would have been 100's of them, you did good, your doing good.

if we were friends or co-workers, i would be proud of you and as a fellow survivor, i am damn proud of you

John
 
I'm just gonna say it straight out: YOU ARE NOT A COWARD! Simply coming out about it makes you a brave person. And being a good cop is one of the bravest things you can do. All those years you didn't tell anyone, you forget that you may be a man now, but you have the feelings of a frightened child. Your mind channels these feeings this way to protect you. Would you blame a 9 year old for not testifyin against thier abuser? Just because you are an adult now, doesn't mean that you arent still a terrified little kid somewhere in your mind. I find that self criticism of this sort is the worst part of abuse. You suffer a hundred times as much at your own hands than you ever did from your abuser. Try to see what a good person you really are.
 
BTW, go easy on teenagers having a good time, but don't let them do anything stupid either. And please leave stoners and hippies alone, we got nothing agaisnt anybody. :)

Be carefull, be proud, and stay cool. :cool:
 
recently you have seen a way and found strength to protect children. You are doing all you can now. How does that make you feel?

You are determing priorities now. How about, when the time comes, without judging, for search of truth and wisdom, finding out, what withheld you and what helped you overcome the barriere?.
Maybe, that information could help other victims in their search for strength in life and help stopping abuse?

[ 05-27-2001: Message edited by: manchild ]
 
Courage is not determined by how you feel, but what you do. The fact that you are going after your abuser shows that you are healing, growing, and couragous.

I have never confronted my abuser, though I came close once. My family was very worried what I might do, but all I did is drive by his house. That was 13 years ago.

It's strange -- through most of my 9 years of marriage I have expected my wife to confront her abusers (her family), but I haven't confronted mine (a total stranger).

Thanx for your post, and your courage. You've helped me to see just how much of a hypocrite I am being.

Let us know what happens with your perp. Either way, this experience can't help but move your heart and mind closer to recovery.
 
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