I'm super uncomfortable being honest about my abuse story even in 12 step rooms

I'm super uncomfortable being honest about my abuse story even in 12 step rooms

EdfromNYC

Registrant
If I could delete this thread, I would.

I'm uncomfortable my abuse and orientation backstory. I'm don't know if I was ever a "sex addict" as much as an abuse victim. I want to connect with other people and I'm very guarded. I get jealous when I hear other guys in 12 step sex addiction rooms because they've done more with their lives than I have and I believe a lot is due to the abuse that went through and then acted out on. Most guys in these rooms weren't acting out based on their abuse or it seems like most guys have done more with their lives - careers, families, homes than I have.

I'm trying to condense what I was getting at. My sex history involves getting aroused from abuse and then acting on it and I'm ashamed of it. I want to be honest where I can. It is the thing I'm most afraid people will know about me. I've held back from being honest but I don't know where to start being honest besides here. I've spent a lot of time in 12 step rooms around sex addiction and it feels like I should be able to be honest there but i'm wondering if I'd be let down. I guess it's important what I'm looking for and knowing that upfront.

I'm tired, exhausted really, of trying to manage an image.
 
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I don't know if I was ever a "sex addict" as much as an abuse victim.
you're an abuse victim/survivor, "sex addiction" is just a symptom. that's obviously why you weren't able to get enough help from other guys in 12 step sex addiction rooms
 
Same, I don’t like going into details. I feel like people will judge me
 
I have learned that the more you share, the more you are respected, and the less shame you feel.

"My name is Kal and I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, dealing with all the mess that comes with it, including PTSD, Codependency, Anger, and Sexual Addictions" That is my standard 12 step intro (pretty much).
 
SinkBack - agreed. I'm of the mindset that SAA treats the surface issue, not the roots. I'm doing a lot of work outside of that room and it's changing my identity in that room. I think myself much less an addict and much more as survivor.

SDD - thank you for the identification. I needed that. It makes me feel better about feeling the same way as you.

NC - I love that intro. I'm working toward that and it is about changing my identity out loud and not just here in private. But it feels much more accurate and self-respectful.

Thanks guys. Appreciate this little dialogue.
 
@EdfromNYC oh my goodness I can relate to what you say.

I have always thought that it is socially acceptable to struggle with: alcohol, drugs, pornography, heterosexual sex addiction..." But CSA and SSA are beyond what most people can handle. I have finally gotten to the point where I realize that people can be trusted with different things. My T I trust with everything. My wife most things. Three good buddies a little less. I have just resigned myself that when I am with a group of guys most of the time they can't handle what I have to say so I listen to their stories and mostly hold back. Because I have been able to let my guard down with other people I have decided that is ok.
 
Greg, I agree that certain things are socially acceptable. In these sex addiction rooms, many say that they feel that they would rather be alcoholics than sex addicts because social acceptance. I admit that I roll my eyes a little because I feel that many of them want to be able to excuse their behavior by saying "it's not my fault, I'm a sex addict!". I'm sure that's not true for all but there's some truth in there. Being honest, I may have used my abuse status to mentally/emotionally let myself off the hook in the past that I didn't have to face same responsibilities as others.

Discussing being a victim - and being a male survivor has some different issues than being a female survivor - is thornier, harder to face. I am seeing that my abuse has led to many consequences that may not have occurred had I not been abused. Unwinding that and telling people that requires patience of others and having others just witness at times. The abuse is one thing to discuss; how I tried to handle it and what that did to me to try to keep secrets for so long is another thing. I can see most of my life has been trying to manage an image while keeping secrets and blaming myself for my reaction. That may or may not be for a group's consumption. I appreciate your focus on smaller groups and accepting that most can only handle a little bit and learning to be okay with that.
 
@EdfromNYC oh my goodness I can relate to what you say.

I have always thought that it is socially acceptable to struggle with: alcohol, drugs, pornography, heterosexual sex addiction..." But CSA and SSA are beyond what most people can handle. I have finally gotten to the point where I realize that people can be trusted with different things. My T I trust with everything. My wife most things. Three good buddies a little less. I have just resigned myself that when I am with a group of guys most of the time they can't handle what I have to say so I listen to their stories and mostly hold back. Because I have been able to let my guard down with other people I have decided that is ok.

This exactly! We all fear the "vampire syndrome" fears of others which only reinforces our shame & silence. Who wants to be thought of in the worst of people's fears?

Ed, you are on the right track with getting to the root cause vs treating the symptom. While sex addiction is a very real thing (believe me I know) you have to get at what is driving it and taking over your conscious mind. I had to identify my triggers, figure out how my child mind cobbled them together and work through it all to rob them all of their power.
 
Ed follow your instincts and hopefully your own T. Look at the scientifcly accepted research.
For myself After spending many many many nights in meetings. More hours online meetings and being ever more pressured to share details and finally truly listening to the check ins. With true help from my T I awoke to the reality that many if not most members of SAA were Perpetrators - a LOTif pedophiles and at least some seemed to be more interested in gleaning tips on what grooming tips worked. No wonder you are feeling the way you are.
At least move to the CR or even AA groups for the support and structure of the twelve step system without as much risk of Perp baggage.
 
I awoke to the reality that many if not most members of SAA were Perpetrators
I think i'm with you. I've known a bunch to talk about "illegal porn" and I've known people who've been arrested. Even with my background as a survivor that I've stated, I still had a guy ask me to help a guy after he got out of jail for child porn. They let each other off of the hook in the name of "sex addiction". I have no problem saying it how it is. Just because they've admitted their "addiction" has taken them to the point of child porn or underage abuse (outright abuse) it doesn't absolve people of the damage that they've done. But in those rooms, people "celebrate" guys for being honest about "how far down the scale they've fallen" and they get called "brave" and such. There is such an element of codependent, cosigning of each other's bullshit and "normalizing" it as though it wasn't that bad since other guys did it too. I've definitely come across pedophiles (I know of one) and I was so ready to tell him to get the fuck away from me because he was coming into the rooms seeking absolution for his crimes without talking about them directly but being indirect and trying to get compassion. I could see right through it and I had good, solid, healthy contempt for him while these other dudes had their hands out to "help him" and identify with him.

I also believe that there are some who've acted out sexually based on their past who are coming to terms and accept responsibility while also taking their own past upbringing into account. They're are the quieter ones not seeking group approval for their actions. I've been codependent in the past where I'd want to be magnanimous and accepting and mature and I can be more authentic now and discern that some/few take responsibility and the other ones, I don't know, accept that the rooms do permit those guys in and many are seeking identification and getting off the hook. As a mature man who is becoming less identified with the abused boy inside, I can also accept that I will be less affected by them but I can also "call it out" whenever I want and still respect the rules.

Thank you for bringing this up. It's helping me be honest about some of the lack of support that I've not gotten in there. I blamed me for all of it but it's not true.
 
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I blamed me for all of it but it's not true.
No Ed it is Perp city and definitely NOT you. Find a CR group, or a survivor group but don’t let the perps feed on your story in these type of perpetrator dens any longer.
 
Is CR Celebrate Recovery?

Also, I don't need SAA too much any longer. Been there, done that. I'm doing work in a survivor group that is meeting some needs. I don't really need so much help with the surface stuff that SAA deals with but I still want to be able to say some of the stuff that we're discussing and openly call out the fellowship that talks about "safety" yet ignores the amount of abuse victims suffering in the rooms.
 
Ed

Abuse has many sides, the abuse itself, the imprint and damage it does to our psyche, to our perception of ourselves--every aspect inter-winds with the act of the abuse. As we move in time passed the abuse, new experiences, new abuses, new happiness will become part of this world. It is terrible place to live, living within our body and mind.

I have lived a life full of memories--good and bad, dissociative world of the unknown from fugues and dissociative episodes and so much more. I was ashamed of myself for the abuse, for going back, for not telling. Ed I think the past weeks of stay at home, the death of the abuser, the outreach from kind people, struggling with minor health issues of needing excess sleep, fever and chills has given me a new perspective on life. I am worthy, I am good and I am not ashamed of the abuse or how I handled it, I am proud I have taken treatment, I am proud of all the people that stood by me, I am ashamed of those that did not, I am proud I can tell my story to help others come to terms with their abuse.

Ed you have nothing to be ashamed, acting out and the life you lived is one impacted by your abuse, it left you uncertain, it created a self perception for you of who your thought you were to be. I am proud of you for having the courage to work through the abuse and impact it had on you, so you can live the life you truly deserve. How one acts sexually is not necessarily their identity. Orientation comes from within, acting out comes from the abuse. Unfortunately the abuse often wins in how we lived life, how it controlled us.

Ed takes care of yourself, be proud of yourself for the work you have done to heal.

Kevin
 
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Also, I don't need SAA too much any longer.
i'm just curious - do a lot of people who identify as sex addicts actually believe that their addiction is not just a symptom of other underlying issues? that sounds quite naive to me
 
@KMCINVA Your words give me hope. It never occurred to me that it is possible to feel proud of how I have lived my life. I only ever focus on the shame. My entire life I have felt like a worthless piece of sh*t. I realized a few weeks ago that stems from what happened when I was 8. Being forced to do what I did conveyed a sense of worthlessness and I made an agreement with that. I told my T a few weeks ago that I am NOT a worthless piece of sh*t and I am tired of thinking that. But I love the hope of your words that one day I can look on my life good and bad and feel proud about where I am.
 
KMC - I second that about having pride. Sometimes it takes other people to tell us how to think differently and I feel like you may be doing that here for me. I read your post about an hour ago and immediately after starting taking pride in what I've achieved and overcome. I've been committed to healing more and moving on and telling more about myself and my experience then and now is having the effect of moving me more into today and living today and not reliving yesterday. I didn't think that I was allowed to feel pride but I see that was just conditioning. Thanks for your words.

SinkBack - in my experience, most people in 12 step rooms don't face that they are there for underlying issues. There are a sizable minority who know that they are there for other stuff and can get frustrated because those rooms aren't equipped to deal with other stuff.
 
for what its worth ed I think you have done extremely well in all you have done so far. I can talk about abuse i can even talk to some degree about my abuse but talking with others about what my abuse has cause in me is not something i talk about freely. I am not an open book so to speak and i cant help thinking that being an open book is just not my way. that is where i feel like I get stuck. I quit drinking without turning to others I quit most t hings that were not helpful without turning to others and finding a way to incorporate others in my life is super tough for me. I share what i can and do share here. i write some about feelings but the writing is more about how IT feels not so much how I feel. I have always felt that 12 step things have their place for some people and im glad of that but that being said if I'm honest I am just as glad not to be one of them. allowing people " IN" just feels like threat to me. and try as I may it is just not something I do well
 
Newground - thanks. When others point out that it's good to give myself credit especially on here, I can start to receive that and not just push it away. I take it to heart. So thank you for that. I used to throw more information out there for public consumption within these groups hoping someone would understand me, help me, help me unwind the knots. There was some value to just opening my mouth about stuff I had kept secret and hidden for so long but ultimately, that was mostly the only benefit, learning that I could open my mouth and be okay. I didn't get the help that I wanted because those guys/women didn't share many of the same issues. Now, I'm more guarded about what and who I tell and I tell people less about this stuff than before because I realize the sensitivity that it requires. I used to want to be an open book and to a certain extent I still do but it's different now how much I want to be open and I'm much more particular about my surroundings and who is there and why I may or may not be open. It's been a journey.
 
Ed follow your instincts and hopefully your own T. Look at the scientifcly accepted research.
For myself After spending many many many nights in meetings. More hours online meetings and being ever more pressured to share details and finally truly listening to the check ins. With true help from my T I awoke to the reality that many if not most members of SAA were Perpetrators - a LOT if pedophile and at least some seemed to be more interested in gleaning tips on what grooming tips worked. No wonder you are feeling the way you are.
At least move to the CR or even AA groups for the support and structure of the twelve step system without as much risk of Perp baggage.
Very creepy. Thanks for that share. I agree, many SAA/SLAA members probably are or were perpetrators. I went to a SLAA men's meeting and one of the guys admitted he was a priest who sexually assaulted children. I never went back to THAT group again. Thing is, he didn't seem remorseful, just mad that he had been defrocked. Remembering that share haunts me. Gave up on SLAA years ago. Feel safer in SASA and AA. Don't feel you have to disclose all the symptoms of sexual abuse in 12-step or other support group meetings. Follow your gut. If your instinct says to limit your sharing to generalities, then that's the right way for you. Been there, done that. All best to you. Thanks to everyone for the great thread!
 
it's astonishing that people are willing to accept pedophiles as fellow sex addicts. i'm not saying they can't be sex addicts as well, but that's obviously not their main problem/mental disorder. if i were a pedophile, i'd voluntarily undergo chemical castration
 
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