I'm still scared of her

[physicsfriend]

I have not had contact with my older sister in almost 3 years. I haven't seen her face-to-face in about 4 years. I live over 1000 miles away from her.

But I'm still scared of her. I'm terrified, actually. The electric lock on the back door of my apartment building has recently stopped working so someone could get inside the building without a key. That terrifies me. Even if that were fixed, I keep wondering if I'm going to see her lurking in the parking lot some day. I know it's irrational; I doubt she would do that. But I'm still scared.

I'm blocked on all her social media, which is good, but on the other hand it means I can't keep an eye on where she is. It's like knowing there's a wasp in the room but it disappeared and you can't find it. She travels a lot so if she ever ends up in my general area of the country for any reason, I want to know. Even worse, I'm planning to go back to my home state to visit my grandparents this Summer, but I'm scared to tell them I'm coming because I'm afraid they might leak that info to my family.

I just want to forget about all of them and live my life without fear, but I don't know how.

 

[SmartShadow]

Yeah, it's amazing how much we can revolve around our fears.

Unresolved trauma has a way of keeping us in a hyper vigilant state of expecting the other shoe to drop any minute.

Nothing easy about this kind of thing but I can get a lot better.

Keep writing about it.

When do you see your T next?
This is a good thing to talk about.

It's been my experience that as you work with you T and talk about it here it will lose some of its power.

I still get into a reactive state and began to rehearse the worst case story in my head. Sometimes just becoming aware that that's what I am doing and then doing some breathing or calming pratice can help my mind let go and refocus.

 

[house]

My abuser lives a few miles from where I live and I when I was old enough to go to the local bars I was very scared I would run into him but none of my friends knew this so I would go to these local bars with them. One night I saw him at one of these bars sitting at a table talking to someone. I did not know what to do I felt sick to my stomach but my friends were having a good time. The longer I was there the more power I felt I had. My fear turned into anger. I wanted to confront him at one point but did not because of who he was with. can't explain. but it helped me to see him again to regain my power over him. I was not 14 but 19 years old and wiser.

Living in fear all the time sucks I still do it but there are different degrees of it. And I hope through time you are able to overcome this dread of seeing your sister. you deserve the peace best wishes house

 

[greenwizard]

The woman who raped me lived in the same town and I had the same fears. For a while I was afraid she would decide to try and get at me again. Then when I got the courage to go to the police she was pissed and I feared retribution, which was not helped by her sister making a threatening phone call and other things she did. I had a restraining order, but these people, they don't seem to think the rules apply to them.

Going to court, having to testify with her staring at me, god that was hard! There I was trying to take back some power, but her presence even in a courtroom was just... I can't even describe it.

She and her sister are behind bars now, but I think even in ten years if I came face to face with her I would still feel intimidated. She so easily took power over me and there was nothing I could do. So yeah, I get how you feel.