I'm Still Here

I'm Still Here
B

BluegrassGhost

New Registrant
In the summer of 77' my parents took me to see Star Wars. I'd just turned eight and had no idea what was coming. At the end as we walked out of the theater I was numb,not sure what I'd just seen. But I knew it was wonderful and life changing. As Old Ben said in the movie "You've just taken a step into a much large world." Wow. I can't wait to see what happens next! Two months later my life changed again. I was taken advantage of. As a kid, I had no idea what was happening. But it was made clear that it was a secret. Nobody must know. Know what? I don't even know what this means. I wet the bed for six months. My Mom takes me to the Dr.-Well its common for sons to miss their fathers. I nod my head.(He's overseas at the time). I forgot. When the memory came up I brushed it away either as nothing or something that just happened that shouldn't matter at all. As I grew I made friends. But never easy. Tried to date. Always failed. Its always been much easier to pay, and drink. It took me 20 years to finally realize what happened and tell someone. But they can never really understand. Just get over it. Quit drinking. I'm 45. This thing that happened to me almost 30 years ago still has a hold on me. I'm an alcoholic. functional. Going on a quarter of a century. I get through the day. Look at the clock and ask myself-is it over yet? Life ticks on. Suicide? Knocked up a girl in my late 30"s. Beautiful. Now you can get sober and at last slay this bullshit thats's all in your head. My hair is gray. You can only carry hell around so long before it gets to be a drag.
 
Hey!

First post, right!?

Powerful stuff- and sounds like you have a good read in where u have been and where u need to go from here-

It is perhaps one of the most true things I know that when we reach out for help by sharing our story and maybe asking that we begin to recover.

Clearing away the old thinking in our heads is what most recovery is about- essentially almost religions, spiritual practices and 12 step recovery have this as a basic theme.

Congrats on making a start - happy to see you here!
 
Hey Buck, thanks for the greeting. I was pretty drunk when I wrote that, but it does feel good to try and get some of my thoughts out of head for once. I'm tired of letting what happened to me affect just about every aspect of my life for the past 35 years. I just really don't understand why I can't just let it go and move on. Take care.
 
Hello Bluegrass,

I am sorry for your reason to be here, but glad for you to have found MS.

Whatever your circumstances or history, it brought you here.
Here you can and have divest yourself of the memories that may haunt you, the guilt or shame that may cause you to drink to cloud the feelings.
I smoke dope myself, so no judgement here.

Take your time, feel comfortable and when you're ready speak your truth.
We'll be here to listen and support you in whatever way we can.

Welcome and take care.
 
Welcome Bluegrass,

That was a great introduction, drunk or not. Your final comment says alot:
BluegrassGhost said:
You can only carry hell around so long before it gets to be a drag.
Click to expand...
It sure does.

I too waited more than 40 years to begin to come to terms with what happened to me. I too turned to drugs, alcohol, and sex to numb myself. To escape the feelings of anger, fear, shame, and self-hatred. Nothing worked. It all caught up with me eventually. We're all here because we can't escape it. We have to face it headon. Whether it happened yesterday or half a century ago, we have to fight it and reclasim our lives.

Be well,

Jude
 
Blue,

If you wrote that drunk...I'd love to see what you write sober. Well written first post and a big step. Like you....I was silent for 35 years until eventually it caught up to me as well.

I was and am still the best actor in the world, but we all know it eventually takes its toll on us and the self destruction begins.

I'm glad you found this site. There are good people here. The chatroom was particularly helpful to me, to be able to connect and talk with strangers without having to divulge who particularly important.

If you haven't sought out professional help, I really encourage you to do so. The work sucks. It is painful. It hurts. You want to quit and give up...but if you stick with it...you will learn to cope and get past the triggers and the images that haunt us.

Sorry to meet a new member, but glad you found a great resource. Don't be a stranger :-).

Warm regards,
L2LME
 
BluegrassGhost

You are not a ghost, you are a visible human being who knows he needs support. You have come to a place that will give you non judgmental support.

As others have said, you know what you want and what you need to do. You have taken a major step forward, talking about what happened and not hiding behind the alcohol. I am proud you are here.

You deserve much and I can see in your words you are truly a good person caught by the abuse and abuser. Disregard those people who said get over it, not as easy as they think. Did they as a child have someone touch, violate their body-hopefully no. This attitude perpetuates abuse and sadly their words only hinder healing and to me is abusive because they can extend a hand to those suffering a physical illness as adults but not an adult living with an abuse a child could not truly understand--an undeveloped mind unable to cope and understand the abuse..

I know you are on the right path, talk, vent and share as you feel comfortable. We are here.

Heal well and you may want to seek some professional help, live support groups.

Kevin
 
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