I'm sad

[sadanddown]

First off, I was doing so well...I was on my way I thought, I thought I wouldn't get upset again, wouldn't have any problems...heck...I was on my way towards recovery! I guess it isn't that easy though, if it seems too good to be true, then it is.

I'm sad, angry, confused, lonely, scared, and so many other emotions right now. What caused it? I don't know exactly. It seems like it wasn't one thing, but things have been piling on. I think, to tell you all the truth, that I have been ignoring problems again and now they have come to hit me. It's 5:40am and I haven't slept yet...which I am used to, but I thought that was all in the past. I don't know what to do anymore, I seem to get better, and then I go downhill again. Brothers, catch me. I feel like such a failure. I want to cry but no tears will come. Thanks for reading.

Jon

 

[andrew51]

Jon,
Try and take things one small step at a time, then congratulate yourself for even the smallest achievement.
List all the postives that are happening for you.
Remember the blessings that you have. You are a strong person, a survivor. Your adversity will, in the end, make you a stronger person. Keep posting, keep sharing. Believe in yourself Jon, we believe in you. Peace, Andrew

 

[Bobby]

Jon, It's late at night...or early morning and no one is around and my mind is awake, but it's the awake that it gets when it should be sleeping and isn't...kind of a false sense of alertness. And this emptiness sort of opens up in my head, it's a giant emptiness and I know it has something to do with my SA and I know that, if I could only connect to what is causing it, I would understand something about the SA that I hadn't understood before, but nothing will quite connect. And the depression is there...that one that is always there, sort of laying at the bottom of my mind, waiting for that weak moment when I'll let it out again. And I have that "want to cry" feeling, but everything seems too futile to even work up a good cry, and so I just sit and stare. And I don't feel anything and yet I do feel....everything...all at once...without actually feeling it. And if I could only make myself go to bed, I think that I could maybe fall asleep, but I can't make myself go to bed. The trip from where I am to the bed seems way too far.

The tough part for me is that, when I'm like that, I think that I might be like that for the rest of my life, or I think that nothing is worth ever feeling like that again. For me that's the danger. So now, I try to keep saying to myself that I've felt like that before and, though it is awful and painful and so, so lonely, that it will pass and I'll feel better eventually and that I just need to hold on for awhile. It doesn't make the pain any better, really, but it helps me to get through it.....most of the time.

Usually I don't get through one of those exactly....I just fall asleep from exhaustion, and when I wake up, things are different....not always a lot better, but different. And sometimes different is better.

Hang on, Jon. Even if yours isn't exactly like mine, I know the pain is the same and comes from the same place and hurts in the same place. And I care that it hurts, and, if I could be there with you, I would just sit silently beside you, because no one can really make it better, but we can be there to support each other and to care about the hurting. Everyone here cares. Everyone here understands. Remember that and always write. Someone is always here listening, and it's so important that someone hears when the pain comes. Bobby