Im really pissed off....

Im really pissed off....
G

Glen

Registrant
I have just had a day. I went to my T and the session started out all yadha yadha yadha. Talking about how unfriendly of a town we live in. Then he was pushing for me to volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters. Granted I think that is awesome but not yet. How can I be good for someone else when its a challenge not to want to kill myself there I have said it. Even though I see that as a cop out sometimes I actually consider it. But the point is I am paying this guy why cant we talk about what I wanna talk about. If I wanna socialize I know what to do. Everyone thinks I have a ton of friends. I just keep everyone at arms length thats all. Well I basically said this cause I was kinda pissed. And it all just spilled out sorta. I told him that it kills me to go to the Catholic church and hear about Jesus as our savior well guess what nobody saved me and all I want is someone to just be able to turn to when I feel bad. Hell I'm crying while typing thats gotta be a first. Im pissed cause I cannot look at women with out feeling guilty or like Im some pervert. I cannot talk to anyone except you guys cause you all know what Im talking about. Im pissed cause I had to lose my virginity to my sister, I had my first orgasm when I was in 1st grade and I felt scared and guilty cause Imy body was responding when I didnt want to. Now as an adult Im scared of women to see me naked. Im pissed at my dad for always screaming at me so now when Im under pressure all I do is shake. I thought I was gay cause I wanted intamacy but I was scared of women so I must be gay well that wasnt right. Took me 97 men to figure that one out. On top of that when I was at my lowest I wanted to be HIV+. I couldnt kill myself maybe that could have done it for me and put me out of my misery. And thankfully I couldnt do that right either. And in the end my T cut me off cause he was late for his next T. So tell me what should I do? I told him about crying while listening to Phil Collins. What do I do? Do I give him another chance or keep looking cause I gotta solve it or I swear Im gonna find the first HIV+ man I can find and have sex just to end it cause Im too chicken to kill myself even though I know Im straight.
 
Scot - You have soooo many emotions just running around inside of you!! Some of them hurt..and hurt badly. There are times when that hurt gets intense and we FEEL LIKE ending the pain. I saw a quote from Lance Armstrong, "pain is temporary but giving up is forever". In my recovery I was really pissed and the hurt was incredible!!! I made a promise that I would survive and succeed because I would not let those SOB's who left me in that mess and pain win. So I got pissed and talked it out. Perhaps you need to tell your T how you feel about your sessions? Keeping it in isn't helping you so why not let it out?

Talking about your anger in your post is healthy and will lead you forward. Please don't give up because then it is forever and they got you! Boy doesn't that piss us off more!! Talk - post - we are here!! Staty healthy!!

Howard
 
Get a new therapist. Or I'd tell him that you go there to work, not chat about the weather. My therapist went through a stage of that after 9/11. He was in New York, and for about a year I swear I was paying him and giving him therapy. I actually quit for a while, but now I've gone back. I avoid asking him anything about him personal life.

And what is your therapist thinking? Big Brothers? We're the ones who need the Big Brothers some days. Yeah, that's just not reasonable. Don't give up. It's not your fault. However, it sounds like you may have a faulty therapist.

And don't let the bad guys win. We can beat this thing--this life that they did to us. And you can feel better. It will happen. Please don't do anything until you give it a chance and let yourself heal.
 
Glen:

JUST HANG IN THERE. this too will pass my friend. NEVER have unprotected sex with anyone, straight or gay.

expressing your anger is a very good thing. just make sure not to abuse yourself or any other creature in the process of being angry.

just hang in there man.

and, have patience with your T. he may be pushing you a little cuz he wants to help you grow. ok, be good to yourself. and dont lose control of your anger my friend. sincerely,


bec
 
Hi Glen,

As Howard says you are really hurting, and the self-destructive thoughts are a sign of how difficult it is for you now. You can escape the pain of this without hurting yourself, you have been hurt enough. I hope you are able to talk about these self-harming thoughts with the therapist. I have found that talking about them helped when I had similar feelings. If you think about the HIV scenario beyond the self-destructive thoughts, you could be looking at years of poorer health and with the available drugs you could be talking about twenty, thirty years or more. It would add to the pain in such a massive way, you dont need to do this.
I found when I was in early therapy that I would feel really hopeless when I was in a lot of pain when the therapy was not able to take it away, it felt really urgent and the therapist could not provide the shortcut that I felt I desperately needed. I think the more you can say to the therapist about your frustrations with him the better, it helps give me a clearer picture of whether or not I can work with a therapist, as you say you pay him and he should be there for you to talk about what you need to talk about.

Take care,

Rustam.
 
I know that for years I tried killing myself slowly through drugs and any other risky behaviour I could. Believe, I am paying for it now! I just didn't know why until I faced the truth of the lie that was my life. I needed help and that is what I am getting through therapy and the support of a loving wife (and I still am amazed that she loves me enough to stay with me) and family.

Your T doesn't sound like he has you as a priority (just MHO). I missed an appointment due to work and out of town where cell phones don't work and my T called to make sure I was OK and safe. Just by the words you have written, would your's do the same?

If not, go somewhere else.
 
Glen,

You open your thread with a statement. It is also the answer to most of your post. Step away from the day. You don't have to let it absorb your every breath. Your T experience sounds similar to many of mine. Until now, all have been male. My new T is a female. Enh, it's been more pleasant a surprise than I thought would occur. There are many parallels between us. I however believe that now I've sero-converted, (I'm currently awaiting test results.). I did make the choice that you've spoken of.

Do not be so cavalier with HIV though. It doesn't allow you any more control in your life. It can put you in the uneviable position of having to tell someone you care very deeply for that you may have exposed them. And that is a choice I don't think that you'd like to have to make. I know I wish I didn't because for me there will be no choice in that regard. I will tell that person and take all the horror with me because I was too selfish to look beyond the effects to myself. Remember one thing from all that I've said and those are your own words...

"I have just had a day."

And this too shall pass.
 
I had a wonderful T who let me set the agenda in our sessions. The only drawback to this you might not reach your original objective in the sessions.

I would not feel comfortable with a T who always sets the agenda without my say in the matter.

Also, Phil Collins is quality tunes - been listening to his stuff for over a couple decades.
 
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