Im Not Gay!!!

Im Not Gay!!!
There are some great posts here. This subject is such a tricky one and I appreciate everyone's personal opinion. I found myself struggling with this issue for so many years. I was convinced that I was bisexual because I had allowed a man to have sex with me. He abused me on a regular basis from the age of 12 to 18. My confusion was compounded by the fact that I was raised in a strict religious setting and was taught that homosexuality was a sin. The man who abused me was the Minister of Music in that church. I never had any other sexual contact with a man but still felt like I was bi..... and a sinner. Talk about a load of shame!!! I spent most of my adult life trying to prove to everyone, including myself, that I was a real man...... a manly man. I did all the manly things: hunting, fishing, played lots of sports, worked at "manly" jobs (construction, etc.). To everyone who saw me I was a man's man. Everyone, of course, except me. Those things became my hiding place. That's where I went when the shame started to overwhelm me. It was a place where people would accept me as a man. It was a good coverup for years. After 30+ years of shame and confusion I began to see a therapist andcZ
 
I WENT TO SEE A THERAPIST!!!!!!!! WOW, what a statement, what a moment. My insides were tied up in knots on the drive there, while I waited in the waiting room even during most of the session but you know, as I walked out, I felt GREAT!!!!! Like I had taken a small step in gaining control of my life. The therapist was understanding, did not pry to deeply if I refused to speak, and did not even FLINCH when I told him about my sexual identity confusion. (that was the toughest thing to say). Of course I have read alot of materials and I am aware that other guys have this same confusion but to tell this person about it and have him explain WHY suddenly made me feel normal for a moment. Im not crazy or perverted, I was sexually abused as a kid and I am going to learn EXACTLY what that did to me. I guess you can tell that I am a little uplifted right now, my therapist said that I would certainly have these feelings of ups and downs for a while because therapy can be great at times and scary at times but for the first time in my life I feel that I am ready for the challenge. I have all of you to thank here for your support and kind words. You have given the strength to make this important step and I THANK YOU!!!!! Many of you wrote to me to express your feelings about going to see a therapist so I really started asking around and I finally chose one that was highly recommended. I even called him before hand to sort of interview him and he spoke with me on the phone for almost an hour telling me about his theories and his approaches, what I could maybe expect from our first meeting, certain issues that he would like me to consider talking about on our first meeting. I really appreciated that because that was an hour he could have charged me for while I sat in his office. Anyway, I just thought I would share some good news for a change with all of you. GOD BLESS YOU ALL and have a great day. Hanging On (tighter now)
 
Hey Junior,
Been right where you are at.... raped from 11 to 15...married and have a strong thing for men! I found out that it wasn't men but my butt that I was attacted to ...some men are attacted to the part that was SA...You think that you like men because of what they can do for this part...you need it bad but need control of the ack at the same time. You my find that you feel like you're been raped again with a man...I hate men but need to be screwed...SO WHAT DO I DO ??????...Train my wife to fist me...sounds nuts but it works for me and would work for any man with like needs! I love it and do it every week...sometimes more...still do what I can to please my wife with the things that she wants to do....don't look at men any more...no porn...don't even have to jack off and think about having sex with men any more...don't need it and no wondering if I'm GAY or not!!!!...Need imfo on getting into it...send E-mail...It would be very surprising for any man here to want to try FIST THERAPY...approved by MD's and PHD's everywhere...and disaproved everywhere too! I wish you luck...best to make some moves to see what you like...You may be GAY!

Eddie
 
Hanging On,

The first step is always the scariest. I'm so glad that you took it. It's a journey worth taking, it's not always easy or comfortable, but it's worth it to talk to someone who listens non-judgementally and can help you through the rough spots.

Keep hangin' in there and be good to yourself, you're the only you you have.

Steve
 
I have also had the same problem, since age ten when my abuse started. It has been very hard to deal with, I am now married 5 years in May (2002). I am glad you posted, my internet is down and this is the first posting I have done since August. I hope you continue to grow as I have.
 
Hi Hanging on and others
Ive watched this thread for a week or two now trying to think of what i want to say and hoping to make some sense of it all.
Ive read about everybody struggles to cope with day to day life fighting the effects of the abused suffered and although we have a common link in the abuse i wonder if the sronger bond is caused from the fallout!!
I to suffer from so many of things desribed here, the sexual confusion the strange sexual habits :( teenage years spent acting out and lonely while trying to be normal( what ever that is).
Ive been married now for 30 yrs but still suffer, but at lest on a good day i can forget :) but when its not so good they come out of the dark corners to haunt you.
oh well thats enough from me, keep fighting and healing
take care
doug
 
Thanks for the support guys it means alot to me. The euphoria did not last over the weekend but at least I had one great day on Friday. If I can feel that way for one day I can get that back again right? Eddie, I dont think your suggestion of fisting would be good for me personally. I am trying to work AWAY from having negative sexual experiences in my life and needing sex as a crutch. I am MORE than my sex or my confusion and that is what I am trying to work towards. Maybe by not identifying myself as such I can move forward. God bless to you all Hanging On
 
The holidays approach and a certain feeling of dread comes with it. Sometimes I wonder if the whole world is REALLY as happy as I perceive it to be or is it just that I PERCEIVE it to be happy because of my past. Are the holidays especially hard for everyone else here? With my new therapy I am crossing my fingers that this season will not be like the last 25 but of course old habits die hard right? as do old feelings. All I want for christmas is......peace of mind. God Bless All, Hanging On!!!
 
Hanging On,

I am in contact with hundreds of people each week, and it is my observation that the vast majority of folks are anxious (if not totally freaked out) around the holidays. There are probably a gazillion reasons why this is, but I suspect that almost everybody wants some kind of magic to happen...and generally what happens never quite matches the hope or expectation. Consequently, it is a setup for disappointment.

Many of us try to get a psychological jump on the season by affirming that "this year it'll be different," but unfortunately much of what happens is not within our direct control. There are other people (like family) involved with holiday celebrations (or obligations) and, of course, these are the folks who are adept at pushing our buttons. Consequently, getting through the holidays feels sometimes like navigating through a mine field!

Interestingly enough, I believe (in all of my child-like wonder) that most folks want the holidays to be magic and, in fact, think this should be a happy time. Then, when we're anxious or approach the season with dread (as you reported) we think there's something wrong with us....because everybody's supposed to be happy, right? It's a double whammy...!

In the last few years I have tried hard to plan ahead, cut way back on all the obligations and the number of events I attend, and try to do at least one new or different thing than in past years. By "re-framing" the holidays and doing something different or special that I want to do, in my own small way I'm trying to customize the season so that it's not a string of obligations and meeting everybody else's expectations...

Suffice it to say that you're not the only one who approaches the season with a feeling of dread....we all have a lot of years of "baggage" that we're hauling around and geez, it all seems to come unraveled about now, doesn't it?

Hang in there...we'll get through it together!

Don

[ November 21, 2001: Message edited by: dynamitedon ]
 
hello to all. As I read these posts, and think of this holiday, and how Don ends his post saying "hang in there, we will all get through this together". That is so appropriate. I think of today and how we are safe and free curtisiy of our Armed Forces. Then I think back to 1951 and the abuse and the nurses finally finding out what had happened, and punishing me so I never get to see a Santa Claus for the entire month of December by making me put my head down and they keep saying to me I was a bad boy. Then I hear on public radio this am, that Swift Butterball turkeys has a toll free line to call and some of the calls are from a person who uses an electric chair saw to "carve" the turkey, and then ask Butterball how he can get rid of the oil and grease on the turkey, or the man who puts his turkey on a gril and because of all the "drippings" he puts cat litter on the grill. So yes, Don, we will get through this together, as we have done in years previous, and hopefully many years to come. Happy Thanksgiving to all. bosishere
 
Bosishere,

Honest to God, I just about wet my pants I'm laughing so hard...! Thanks for the Butterball anecdotes.... Your dry humor made my day!

Don

[ November 23, 2001: Message edited by: dynamitedon ]
 
Hello to all my fellow survivors,
I have been pretty busy lately and just wanted to let you all in on how life has been going this last little while. As you know I have started therapy and it has truly been a god send for me. With my therapists help I am finding ways to deal with my abuse and my reaction to it still today. For once I am not playing this movie over in my head every waking moment. Sex, guilt, Sex, pain, Sex, confusion, Sex, Fear, Sex, Shame. Sex, Saddness. You will notice in there that Sex was never followed by peace, love, joy. My wife, bless her heart, never felt me give my self to her completely because there was always a part of me playing this movie and afraid that if I give my whole self to her that she will see my fear, shame, sadness. I know that she feels my resistance and I so wanted to give to her completely but my fearful child would not let me. Afraid that she would hurt me as has everyone else in my life. However, now it is easier to see my apprehension and to try to take some sort of control of that inner child. There have been a few times that I have truly given myself completely to her and the peace and joy that surrounded that is something that I now strive for on a daily basis. I am learning that my everyday life thus far is mearly a habit and I am so use to that habit that it is hard to let it go all at once. I still struggle every day but now there are glimpses, although be it small ones, of what it is like to NOT live in that world and frankly I like it. No, I love it. Thanks to all who share here and care here. God Bless to all
Hanging On
 
Hangin on,

I know what you mean about being fearful to give yourself fully to your wife. My wife (of 21 years) just recently expressed her pain of feeling my holding back. I could not continue the hurt someone I love some much and that was the push I needed to give myself permission to enjoy sex. It has been great but has taken a long time to get there.

thank you for starting this thread it has been a blessing to me to read through it.

Thanks to all you guys for sharing your lives on this site.

Ken :)
 
Hanging On,

I'm so happy for you for your progress so far. I wish you and your wife the best. It is wonderful when todays glimpses of love and life become the reality and the past just becomes the random glimpses seen through the perspective of time and understanding.

Keep hanging in there, you're doing fine.

Steve
 
Sounds Great,
I got tight with my wife too...after 22 years of sleeping together and me not being able to fall asleep while in contact with my wife... freaking and waking up when she touched me...very strange...now that I think of it...but after 16 months of therapy...meds...and lots of flashbacks...I can fall asleep while holding my wife...and sleep like that...WOW...freaky walls built for protection!!!!!!

Eddie
 
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