I'm not functional

I'm not functional
O

outis

Registrant
I'm not kidding.

We have determined that I am not functional at the momemt. For example, I had an appointment with the psychologist this morning, and thought it was for this afternoon. Not good. I wrote a check for our mortgage earlier in the week. My wife looked at it in the register and asked me what I paid. I listed the check number twice in the register, once as the check number and once as the amount.

We don't sleep. Well, we don't sleep much, or well. It's too noisy, with me bouncing around and screaming and all. My wife moved to the sofa last night, where I don't think she could hear me any more, but it's not the most comfortable place to sleep, either. Tonight I'm going to the guest room in the basement. I would have gone there last night, but the kids were sleeping downstairs for fun. Listening to Daddy scream didn't seem to me like it would be fun for them; it wasn't for my wife. So I didn't go downstairs last night.

I made it through the day in the office somehow. My midmorning panic/anxiety attacks have gotten worse, coincident with the "Return of the Willies" at night when I should be sleeping.

This all seems to have started (this round, anyway) when I started to cry last week or so. Not much of a cry, either, mostly dry eyes, with my stomach and chest heaving.

I don't remember reading about this in the recovery books. Good thing, too, 'cause this ain't my idea of a good time. :)

OK, I wrote about it. It'll go away now, right? Gee, I do hope so. I don't know what else to do but put up with it, come here, and whine to you guys.

Thanks for the bandwidth,

Joe
 
Hey Joe,

Sorry to hear about the sleeping problems and anxiety attacks. That can really play hell with concentration and ability to do everyday tasks.

That's when I start to worry about not being competent or in touch.

Then the worry keeps me up nights, so I'm more sleep deprived which leaves me vulnerable to panic and anxiety which causes me to lose my concentration and....well, you already know this from experience, right? The classic vicious circle. I'm glad you're here to interrupt that cycle by saying it out loud and writing it down here.

OK, I wrote about it. It'll go away now, right? Gee, I do hope so. I don't know what else to do but put up with it, come here, and whine to you guys.
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I certainly believe that's what I do that works for me.

My heart goes out to you, buddy.

What I'd like to do is wad it all up in a big ball and throw it in the trash, but I don't seem to be able to let go of it all at once like that. At least not today, not yet.

A helpful thing my therapist told me was that Anxiety is not a primary emotion. He said that it is really a lot of different emotions all wrapped up and mixed up together.

The feelings seem strangely incongruous; contradictory; confusing and can lead me to doubt myself and my ability to handle reality. There's too much going on at the same time.

He helps me to slow down, breathe regularly, and begin to patiently look closely at the big old wad of feelings whirling around inside me.

It's kind of funny. I will find some fear about some new unknown situation or behavior I'm going into; right behind that will be some exuberant hope that finally there is going to be some good changes; along with these will perhaps be some shame mixed in because I don't feel like I deserve anything good; and perhaps I can identify some sadness for the boy I was who didn't get to learn to believe that he merits love and good things.

Writing down the individual emotions; giving them names and separating the anxiety out into it's component parts seems to defuse the panic bomb that starts ticking when I feel out of control.

Talking it through with a trusted friend who justs listens without trying to "fix" things helps too. I know you have at least one person who is willing to be that listening ear for you.

The sleeping problem is usually not life threatening; but it is most definitely life impairing. Hard on the familial bliss too.

There are many good articles and books on various techniques to help deal with different forms of sleeplessness. Not just theories, but good practical suggestions to make it easier.

If all else fails, I will consult a professional--I know that my psychiatrist is always very interested in my sleeping life. I know that he sees that as a barometer of my emotional life.
He says that depressed people have trouble more than most with sleeping.

As far as the forgetfulness and the checks and all, have you ever thought that might be a sign that you could be loosing your tight grip of control over the world? That it might be a good sign that you dare to allow yourself a mistake?

Sometimes I tend to act as if one mistake on my part will be enough to send the earth spinning off it's axis. But when I screw up, this old world just keeps on turning.

I have so much admiration for you and the way you approach your life. Working to overcome the terrible damage of the sexual abuse; doing a damned good job of being a father; helping out so tremendously with your fellow survivors. You give so much of yourself. That's a really good thing.

Now how about giving some of that back to yourself? How about 4 free passes to "No Worry-Land"? Or a weekend for two at the "God is in Charge and I get to Relax Resort"? Everything there is perfect just as it is.

Try to think of the types of problems you are having right now in a more clinical or medical sense. Would you be mad at one of your kids for having a fever and waking you up at night?

No, you certainly wouldn't! You would lovingly and tenderly soothe and comfort them and get them whatever help they needed.

Please consider doing that with yourself.

You are a great guy and a wonderful human being.

You've been through hell and back and you have survived and are working hard to thrive.

If the road gets bumpy and sleepless for a while, it's hard to take, but considering all that you've been through, the universe is willing to cut you all kinds of slack. Are you?

In case of doubt, call me or any of the guys here and we'll be glad to talk and to listen.

You're a beautiful man, Joe. Keep the faith, brother. This too shall pass. We're with you.

Wishing you peace, serenity and a good nights sleep,

Your brother and friend,
 
Hey Joe,
I just wanted to add my support to Danny's great reply. Sorry the crap is making you feel lousy. I sympathize on the sleep thing, its a problem for me as well. Just take it easy on yourself, you don't have to prove anything, we already know how strong you are. Making a few mistakes here and there isn't going to wreck anything.

Remember often that this part of things will pass.Take car of yourself and remember to let others take care of you a little too.

Ken
 
Thanks, guys. Maybe I need to relax more or something.

I slept last night. I'm pretty sure I dreamed, but I didn't remember anything from any dreams when I got up.

The problem with sleeping is that point where I'm drifting, and my thoughts wander, just a moment before falling asleep. My mind wanders someplace that isn't nice to be, I guess. If I spoke (besides the occcasional profanity) when I was startling back to awake, I could ask my wife what I said and maybe find out what's going on. It's not even a dream. I don't actually get to sleep.

Yesterday I spent some time running with my youngest son to get tired, then took a sleeping pill. I stayed up later before trying to sleep, too. Maybe just having written here helped, too.

The feelings seem strangely incongruous; contradictory; confusing and can lead me to doubt myself and my ability to handle reality. There's too much going on at the same time.
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Danny,

That's a very accurate description. I called it anxiety attack because I didn't know what else to call it. But I feel like crying, screaming, hitting something, dead tired, etc. all at once. How do you "patiently look closely at the big old wad of feelings whirling around?"


Remember often that this part of things will pass.Take car of yourself and remember to let others take care of you a little too.
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Ken,

I keep telling myself that it will pass, and that I know other guys have made it through things like this. That idea, and being able to come here, seems to be holding me together.

Actually, since it didn't happen last night, I'm going to tell myself that at least that much has passed unless I discover otherwise. 'Cause worrying about tonight's sleep now isn't going to help get today's work done.

Thanks for being here,

Joe
 
Joe,

Since I've just finished off an entire pot of coffee (decaf :p ), and I'm glad to hear you were able to get some rest, I'm going to give you the defintive answer to your question.
QUESTION?:

How do you "patiently look closely at the big old wad of feelings whirling around?"
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ANSWER!: The same way you get to Carnegie Hall!

PRACTICE! PRACTICE! PRACTICE! :D

Thanks, Joe, for letting us in on some of your practicing.

It helps soothe some of my performance anxiety about living this new life unrehearsed.

Glad you're rested.

Just how much coffee do you drink anyway???? :cool:

Happy to be amongst the living,

Your brother in Texas,
 
Hi all,

I take trazadone, a supposedly non-addictive anti-dep. that helps more with letting ppl get some decent sleep. Without it I'd be a real mess.

One trick I use during the falling asleep twilight time, if those disturbing thoughts begin, is to review whatever I've been reading just before turning out the light. Whether I'm thinking about the content or just the word choices the author used, it keeps my mind from from doing the dwelling-on-doom-n-gloom thing.

jer
 
Best of luck my friend. This, too, shall pass.

I have more cliches if I could just think of them.

I am having the exact same thing happen to me only exactly backwards. I seem to be on a treadmill of functioning, which is acting as a buffer to my inner feelings,. It is as though I am circling the goddam beast, distracting it by circling and circling.

Anyway, I feel for you and I truly believe that the shit being stirred up means that you are ready inside to deal with it.

Peace,
James
 
This might be more information than you really need to know, but I'm going to share it with anyway.

Last thing at night I take a dump, and while I sit and relax I read a novel, and then when I climb into bed I'm usually thinking about what I've read. I find 4x4 magazines equally good, sad isn't it ? :rolleyes:

But one thing I did pick up on Joe was this -

The problem with sleeping is that point where I'm drifting, and my thoughts wander, just a moment before falling asleep. My mind wanders someplace that isn't nice to be, I guess. If I spoke (besides the occcasional profanity) when I was startling back to awake, I could ask my wife what I said and maybe find out what's going on. It's not even a dream. I don't actually get to sleep.
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This sounds exactly like the trouble I used to have, but it wasn't 'bad thoughts' that startled me it was sleep aponea (sic ) The startle was me gasping for air as my airway collapsed, and it does produce a feeling of panic; exactly like a nightmare would. My CPAP machine has cured that,and if I do fall asleep in the chair watching TV and I'm not using it then I awaken with a startle. It's that clear cut for me.

Eventually I would go to sleep, or so I thought. When wired up to a machine I hit a peak of "awakening" 38 times in one hour ! But that's not wide awake, it's just the involutary gasp for air that subconciously awakens you, and means you never fall into deep sleep.
Consequently I was so tired all the time that I have driven through hedgerows, fallen asleep while standing up, and became unable to function properly in most things I did. Luckily I work on my own a lot so I could cover up, but I was a definate danger to myself.

When this was combined with my nightmares I was a zombie.
Maybe mention it to your doctor ?

Dave
 
Hi Joe,

I think Danny, Dave, and Ken are all right. You need to take care of yourself and an important part of that is taking care of this situation in a methodical, gentle way.

Danny's advice is solid trying to write it out and sort it out methodically. There is real power in that. It very well could be something medical.

Could it be something that is trying to get out? Maybe not something major but some unresolved conflict. I find that is usually the case for me and writing my thoughts out helps.

Whatever it is take care of yourself! You are a strong compassionate survivor. I appreciate all your good advice and we'll all be here here for you.

Aaron
 
When I went through the worst parts of the nightmares and sleep, I was alone which was good in that no one else had to endure it, but it was hard as well because I was so frightened at night. Once in awhile things get bad for me but not like they were on a daily basis it seemed.

For me, I've made some changes which help a lot. I now sleep with a night lite on. At one time, I had to have every light on in the house 24 hours a day or I couldn't sleep. The nightlight helps because if I get scared, I can focus on the light where I can see no monsters are hiding. The other thing I do is run a fan in the background just for the noise. I'm not sure why this works for me but it does. Guess maybe the days that I had to run a fan as a child, it was way too hot for anyone to do anything.

Sometimes I sleep my teddy bear but if I don't, it is close by. For a long time, my cat would sleep with me until I fell asleep.

Don
 
Excellent posts guys. Lots of good advice and plain old common sense.

A couple of things I do. I work out in a big way just before niteynite time. I find that this helps me get rid of the all the negative stuff that has been building up all day and brings on those gd nightmares. I never, and I mean never, watch the late nite news. Lots of things there can trigger me.

I never drink anything but diet gingerale or a hot milk just before bed.

I am on effexor and welbrutin and they also seem to help.

One other thing I never go to sleep mad at myself, my wife or my daughter, or anything else for that matter. Sure I get mad sometimes but I get over it before the lights go out.

It is refreshing to read so much positive stuff.
 
WhyMe
would you like to share some of your childrens stories with us ?

And liberate those captive bears immediately !

Dave ;)
 
Everybody,

Thanks, I'm as functional as I can be, I guess. I heard from another survivor this weekend about the "at the point of drifting off willies" and I feel better just knowing that I'm not the only one.

Danny, I'm trying to "practice, practice, practice." I did literally sit and try to identify what was in the big ball of mud in the last anxious moment. So far I've only identified fear, but it's fear of the unknown, not some fear of being abused again. I'll face the unknown as I heal because so much of healthy living is unknown.

Jer, I think I need to be careful about what I read right before bedtime. Sometimes I'm already thinking of the uglier parts of the past when I'm getting ready for bed. I still don't know what exactly goes through my head in "the willies" but it can't hurt to try to find something pleasant to finish up my day. Then it will be safe to review.

James, I bet there is something that my mind is warning me I will encounter soon. I hope you're feeling better about your "hyper functionality" by now. Maybe I'm also "circling the beast" in a different way, eh?

Dave, my wife thinks I can't "catch" apnea (sp?) and the timing is suspicious. This didn't happen before I started working through the sexual abuse crap. I'm going to try to read some dinosaur stuff (no wise cracks about being an eyewitness, please!) or something else light and pleasurable.

Aaron, I do need to get back to writing, and to do it more faithfully than I have of late. I need to schedule the time for my recovery and stick to my schedule. I don't want to be writing about the abuse minutes before climbing into bed. But I need to take care of myself, parent myself, because it isn't someone else's job.

Don, we have a lot of cats, but the young ones won't settle down at night, and one of them thinks the rugs in our bathroom are a litter box. Yechh! But keeping them out of our room means we can leave the bathroom door open, and we have a night light in there. It has helped a few times just to be able to see and bring myself to the present.

Whyme, I didn't have stuffed animals when I was little, except for a huge rabbit that I used to sit on and ride around the floor. Probably would have worn out the belly like that, but when I was around 5 years old, my Mom told me that I was too old for it, and it disappeared. I have a lion (named Lion, strangely enough) and a bear (named Joe, 'cause I lack imagination) now, but a lot of times I forget to bring them to bed. It's not part of me yet, or I'm not in touch with the inner child, or something. But I'm trying.

Mike, glad to see you back from vacation. You missed Bob's call for midterms in your "Summer" thread! You were out of town, so you won't be penalized for a late report. :D How was vacation? I do drink an herbal chamomille based tea at bedtime. Exercise too close to bedtime keeps me up, but exercise in early evening seemed to help last week.

I'm glad I could unload here, and I'm grateful for your replies. I don't know how I'd be able to do this without all of the guys here. Thanks, everybody.

Joe
 
Joe,

I'm glad your feeling better and more in control. Keep it up my brother. We will make it through these rough times together.

Your friend
Aaron
 
James,
You want to get off the functional treadmill? Hmmm, whatcha mean? Send it my way please.

Joe and all, you guys rock.

I'm dysfunctional, you're dysfunctional. Or sometimes it's - damn man, you're waaaayyyyy more messed up than me, after all I'm perfect. I got a tongue, now where's my cheek? (yeah, I know, it's an open invitation...)

jer
 
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