I'm not allowed to relax
I've been here for a while. Haven't posted too much lately. I'm having a hard time. The summer is especially difficult. I think for multiple reasons. Each time I was abused, as a child, and later once as an 'adult', it was in the summer heat. I hate hate hate the heat and humidity. In day-to-day life, I hold everything inside. I see a therapist, and I don't hold too much back, and I trust her -- I usually feel at least a bit better after, but I go right back to shutdown mode when I leave. She has been working on me with letting go, detaching from the feelings associated with 'feeling hot', being a curious observer, and that sort of thing. But I don't think I'm making any progress there. I was diagnosed with dysautonomia nearly 20 years ago, and about 15 years before memories of abuse began surfacing. One of the symptoms is heat intolerance. When I step into air conditioning, I'm shivering. Very sensitive to the environment, always aware when a storm is coming and the air pressure is dropping, that sort of thing. Now I'm not so sure that all of my physical issues (fatigue, tight muscles/neck, etc.) aren't more abuse related. I never turned to alcohol, or drugs, or abusive relationships (I'm generally relationship-avoidant) or any other 'addictions' -- not that that makes me superior in any way, but the point is, the hurt, pain, and tension have to go somewhere. In my case, inward, physically held onto. I've read plenty of books (The Body Keeps The Score etc.) and sites with info, and I definitely believe in the clear connection. When I told my brother about everything, several years ago, I was able to cry for so hard and so long that I felt physically relaxed and free and amazing for a solid week afterward. It was incredible. It didn't last, though. Now I'm debating telling my senior citizen parents and my T and I have been talking about the pros and cons. Looking back and from what I've read as an adult, I gave off so many signs and symptoms of abuse when I was a kid, and nobody helped. I got in trouble for crying "for no reason." I was totally amnesic of what happened at the time -- from ages 8 to about 33, so even I believe then that I was just "messed up" and "looking for attention" or "making a scene" even though deep down I knew something was very wrong. That's primarily what's holding me back.
I regularly take a bit of melatonin and ZMA to help me sleep. The other night, my neck was very tight, and I gave valerian root a try after my T had suggested it (I had it in my cabinet since January but never worked up the nerve to try it). I emptied about 1/3 of one capsule into some water and it definitely caused some muscle relaxation. Last night I was up at 3:30 AM, couldn't sleep, so decided to take an entire capsule. It ended up being a mistake, and I guess the point of my post. It worked really well to relax my muscles, but not the brain/racing thoughts. So I became anxious that if I let go and go to sleep, I was going to stop breathing. Relaxing feels "wrong" to me. Not morally wrong, but very, very dangerous. So I stayed awake about 2 hours, fighting it, before finally falling asleep for another hour or two at some point. I feel like it did exactly what it was supposed to for me, and even that wasn't right or helpful. Being unable to relax is partially general hypervigilance and partially avoidance, particularly of the adult abuse experience. I'm almost certain that, if there wasn't some sort of drug involved, I was at a minimum not used to the red wine he gave me (I'm a lightweight, as far as a non-drinker/minimal tolerance, and physically on the lowest end of healthy BMI). So whenever I feel like something is "forcing" me to relax or sleep, I experience it as a threat, and not a welcome feeling.
Not sure where I'm going with all this. Just wanted to get it out.
I regularly take a bit of melatonin and ZMA to help me sleep. The other night, my neck was very tight, and I gave valerian root a try after my T had suggested it (I had it in my cabinet since January but never worked up the nerve to try it). I emptied about 1/3 of one capsule into some water and it definitely caused some muscle relaxation. Last night I was up at 3:30 AM, couldn't sleep, so decided to take an entire capsule. It ended up being a mistake, and I guess the point of my post. It worked really well to relax my muscles, but not the brain/racing thoughts. So I became anxious that if I let go and go to sleep, I was going to stop breathing. Relaxing feels "wrong" to me. Not morally wrong, but very, very dangerous. So I stayed awake about 2 hours, fighting it, before finally falling asleep for another hour or two at some point. I feel like it did exactly what it was supposed to for me, and even that wasn't right or helpful. Being unable to relax is partially general hypervigilance and partially avoidance, particularly of the adult abuse experience. I'm almost certain that, if there wasn't some sort of drug involved, I was at a minimum not used to the red wine he gave me (I'm a lightweight, as far as a non-drinker/minimal tolerance, and physically on the lowest end of healthy BMI). So whenever I feel like something is "forcing" me to relax or sleep, I experience it as a threat, and not a welcome feeling.
Not sure where I'm going with all this. Just wanted to get it out.
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