I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.

I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
Hauser

Hauser

Registrant
My self-image is so thoroughly destroyed that it's impossible for me to try to improve myself lately.

I can't even put on a fake smile to tell a potential employer that "I am the best person for the job".

I can't even leave the house now to apply for work.

I don't know what to do anymore.

My T isn't helping. Maybe I should fire him.

I am very good at playing games, but this job hunting game, I'll never be good at this game.
 
Hauser,

I know this feeling only too well.
Take a step back, I dont know your financial situation, but ask your doc to keep you away from job hunting right now.

Its tough to be turned down over and over again, me too.
Getting out is the first step, do something to make you feel good.

I have worn a mask so long, it would be difficult for anyone to see through it.
I told that to my doc, and told her, not to judge on what she sees.

You need a break from job search, so go see your doc, and sack that T.

ste
 
So trying to improve yourself doesn't have to be a 24/7 battle, give yourself a break. Job hunting sucks for everyone whether you are good at playing games or not.
I wish you didn't feel so bad... I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better about shit.
Sorry...
 
Hi Hauser,

Sorry things are so sucky right now. If your T isn't helping you, then you certainly have the right to look for one that can. It's the reason you're going to therapy, to be helped.

If you can, try to take at least a short break from the job-hunting safari and recharge your batteries towards it. I know it can be so emotionally draining. But perhaps just a respite of a few days will help.
 
But what can he possibly do? What can any T do with this problem?

It's not him, it's me. I have yet to talk to him about all this.

I've only just now figured out that I think it's my self-image that's keeping me from having any sort of confidence in myself.

But like I said, what the Hell can he do? Reassure me that "I'm ok" and that "I should be confident in my abilities"?

I don't know what to do with me or my feelings now. Nothing is working and I'm getting sick of all of this. I'm disgusted with everything.
 
I hear you, Hauser. I do. My first T that I had I went to for about a 1/2 year, and it got to where it was nothing really more than a cheering session towards the end. I didn't need to be cheered on, I needed solutions. I needed him to help me analyze my issues and come up with a game plan to address it. Not just tell me "You're a good person."

When you say "It's not him, it's me." -- you are correct. The solution to this is going to be dependent upon you. None of us can expect anyone else to wave a magic wand and make us all better. That was kind of my expectation going in, but I at least expected some more extensive help in trying to understand how to fix things. But I know all this in the end has to begin with ourselves, and how we can repair ourselves.

I hate bad days like this, and I know sometimes those bad days string together into weeks and longer. I don't know that I have any concrete advice on how to change it all, but I can say that it is possible. I've changed, and I know you and others can as well. I still have some sucky days, but they aren't as frequent or as debilitating as they used to be. I hope you get some peace in this, Hauser.
 
When you hit real low, it is difficult to cope.
You need to take some of the stress out of the situation, or you will get nowhere.
Taking baby steps is the best way.

Exercise is always beneficial, try and get some, and have a safe place where you can be alone, even if it is a short period.

When you have so many stress factors, it is difficult to see which one is worse, because of so many different feelings happening all at the same time.

You have to find a way of limiting stress, and no, you are not a failure, none of us are,

ste
 
Hauser,
I've been where you're at. Look at the progress you've already made in just understanding that self image is the issue. That right there is a big triumph. Good for you, man.

I would agree that little steps are the way to get out of this hole. The more I think about this type of situation, the more overhwelming it gets. But once I start taking action, things gradually shrink down in my mind until they're manageable.

I'm a big believer in lists. I just make a list of those things that make me think more highly of myself and start doing them. I don't think, I just do.

My list includes:
Get a haircut.
Wash all my laundry.
Get some exercise.
Call friends.
Go to a bookstore and look for an interesting book.
Clean my house and car.

All of these little things reenforce that I respect myself and that I deserve being treated well.

Take care,
Dan
 
ok hauser, I undersand your down. In my last engagements in chat, I hoped to find a fire in you. I did not find any fire. I still know you will get a job, and I have faith in you.

Dan
 
if you quit ,he wins ,even though he;s dead he wins.you beat him a long time ago remember? adam
 
Easy, Baby!
You're on the right track!
---
Honestly, Hauser, you have traveled quite far on the path to wholeness and healing. I refuse to consider you as a "victim" at this point; you definitely fit into the "survivor" column in my book.
Try to be patient with yourself, and with the outside world. Most of what we see as "fucked up" in our lives actually has little or nothing to do with each of us personally. It's sometimes just the way the world is! Of course, our abuse history does not make things any easier for us, but not everything that becomes difficult is "our fault" nor can every bad thing in our lives be blamed on our perps.
Just felt I needed to add my 2 cents worth; hope it helps a little. Remember, You have much love and respect from all your brothers here.
 
I look on life as mountains that have been climbed.
Some of those mountains have been pretty steep and almost impossible to climb.

Each time I get to the other side, I feel weak and burned out, so I recharge for the next one.
They have also made my legs strong, to face anything in my way.

I see that you like to cook, I do too, and I can cook almost anything.
I love it, and it is worth it, to just eat what I made.

You need the courage of the little boy to win the fight, and you promised him that,

ste
 
Hi Hauser, you said you have a problem with self-image, while there are all sorts of books on how to fix that, the one I like best so far is Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, M.D.,F.I.C.S.. For me that book just made a lot of sense.

Take care,
Clifford
 
Hauser,

John Grisham wrote a Time To Kill and it never made it out of his home town regarding sales. It took him three years to write it. He did not give up and he kept writing and later published another book The Firm and he broke into national sales and a movie deal.

A man had so many failed businesses the banks told him to quit trying. He did not quit and tried again, that man started Popeyes Chicken.

Don't give up
 
Hello,

First, let me start by saying that you can overcome this. You can get better. And, there are many people out there who can help you.

Second, I would recommend that you continue to see your therapist. It sounds like you haven't actually talked to her about what happened to you. The next time you go to see her tell her as much as you feel comfortable with. She can't help you if she doesn't know the full truth. And, after telling her, she still can't help you, then ask for a referral to another therapist that has experience with male sexual abuse. You need help, you deserve help, and there are people out there who can help you and want to.

Third, if your financial situation can stand it, then I would recommend taking exactly one week off from looking for another job. I hate looking for a job too, so I can totally sympathize with how draining it can be. But, you also don't want to sit around the house with nothing to do but stew in your own pain. So, take a planned week off. Make sure that each day is filled with activities that keep you busy. Don't even think about looking for a job. And then a week later, start up again.

Remember, thousands, if not millions, of people have gone through what you've gone through, felt what you're feeling. They've gotten through it and so can you.
 
My T and I have had our discussions about this. I now, (with the help of a very good friend here), have figured out exactly why I have this self-image problem. I would elaborate on why I feel this way here and now but I'm not ready to share that yet, perhaps some day soon.

My employment status:

I've always been "employed". I've always had a job, but I've never had a living. All I've ever worked were low-wage service jobs, because that was all I could handle. Now that I'm trying to recover from SA, I've been saying to myself, "What the HELL am I doing being a short-order cook at 37?"

So, here I am trying to change careers in midlife and with only some formal job training and no on-the-job-experience, combined with a life of social isolation that has led me to not know any influential people that might be able to offer me a position in their company on the basis of simply knowing me and how pleasant I could be to work with. It's a bitch to convince someone that you have potential when you've never shown it your whole life.

I am not taking a break, I'm going to keep applying and dropping off resumes, I've waited too long to get my life on track already, I've got some catching up to do.
 
Hi Hauser.

Please do just ignore this if it isn't relevant to your situation.

I know about the sense of urgency you express about getting your life on track and catching up. I feel this myself. I'm nearly your age and I look back on my life and am aware that I haven't "got anywhere".

But I also think that in a sense there isn't anywhere to get in life. Life leads to death, just as much for those who've "got on", "got ahead", are "going places" as for people like me.

So then I think I don't want to waste the time remaining trying to match up or catch up. I want to know who I am, what I can do and what I want to do. I want to enjoy the bits of life I can enjoy. I don't want to try to live a life I can't.

I guess I'm sort of saying that I don't get a feeling from your posts about what it is you want, what kind of job you really want; just a feeling of your sense of urgency about getting on with life.

Maybe the kind of jobs you're applying for aren't right for you. They might've been right for the person you would've been, if things had been different.

You've survived, you're moving on. That doesn't mean you've got to try to get what you would've or should've had, applying for jobs from people who won't see where your coming from, getting rejected, letting these people hurt you.

Maybe you should think about where you'd really want to work, what kind of people you want to work with, what kind of people will see your value and respect you for it; and maybe you need to think about making a smaller step, but a step that's really right for you. That step can turn out to be a first step on the way to somewhere you hadn't imagined you might go.

As I say, do ignore this (and accept my apologies) if it's not relevant. I guess I'm really giving advice to myself, so it may be completely up the wrong tree.

Best wishes, Tom.
 
Hauser,
This thread seems to have ranged far and wide but I would like to address the original post. In the beginning, I was seeing a T that honestly looked terrified to be dealing w/ this issue of CSA. It was way over his head/ A friend I met at SNAP convinced me to see his T, a woman. I was totally against it but agreed to 1 session. It was the best thing I could have done. She has helped me so much, don't think I could be where I am today without her.

Second, job searching does suck. Rated by a study I read right at the top along w/ getting married and moving. But I see that you are not going to take a break. good for you. Even though it can be hard on the self esteem issue, If you can make yourself push and get a job, this may end up being a great confidence builder that could help you take on the harder task of confronting your CSA. Good luck.

"Your perseverance is your indication of your faith in yourself." Brian Tracy
 
Hauser,
This thread seems to have ranged far and wide but I would like to address the original post. In the beginning, I was seeing a T that honestly looked terrified to be dealing w/ this issue of CSA. It was way over his head/ A friend I met at SNAP convinced me to see his T, a woman. I was totally against it but agreed to 1 session. It was the best thing I could have done. She has helped me so much, don't think I could be where I am today without her.

Second, job searching does suck. Rated by a study I read right at the top along w/ getting married and moving. But I see that you are not going to take a break. good for you. Even though it can be hard on the self esteem issue, If you can make yourself push and get a job, this may end up being a great confidence builder that could help you take on the harder task of confronting your CSA. Good luck.

"Your perseverance is your indication of your faith in yourself." Brian Tracy
 
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