im new

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im new

hi i'm new...i'm not sure if i am gay. most of the sex i've had has been with men but most of it was abusive. i am 21.i am mostly sexually attracted to other men but i also feel like i hate them which sounds stupid since i am one but i am not like most. i feel like i am "other" but i dont know if this is becuz of what was done to me or not. i kind of wish i didnt have to be anything, asexual or neuter like a child. im having a hard time separating sex and being used and assaulted.That if i want to have sex w/ a man i must want him to hurt me? because that is all they have ever done. Does this make sense?
 
Cobweb,

Welcome, and yeah it makes sense to me, i have had so much garbage from my abuse tied to my sexuality, it has been a real chore to seperate things and get them sorted out, still working on some of it.

I think you touched on one of the things about being abused that really pissed me off and that is all the attachments that get made in your head as a kid, all these wierd things that get associated. Its hard to sort it all out, i know i was left with a lot of associations about sex and friendship that were just baloney, but they were what i was *taught* by my abuser and i thought they were true, things like if someone is nice to me at all i have to have sex with them, things like its sposed to hurt, a bunch more, they dont matter really, i pretty much had to disassemble all my ideas about sex and love and re write that whole book for myself.

Just for the record, its not sposed to hurt, it can be a pretty nice thing.

John
 
Welcome
At 21 who did, I lived like that, if it wasn't for the Army taking me in, I would have longer.
Today some guys look good, but I don't live that way today. At a younger age, I'd went for it, all the time. Being young and having wild sex. I just got older I think and I wanted more then sex.
My sexual abuse has played a part in how I like sex also, the ruff stuff with guys, is kinda a guy thing, some woman like gentelmen,
but we do not have to be a slave, to our own feelings our others, to enjoy sex.
I got to go,
fmighell Anc Ak
 
maybe you should learn to be touched in a positive way with no sexual expectatons. a good massage therapist could do this for you. depending on where you live, a group here in california does weekend massage workshops which are very good for healing. it is called bodyelectric.org. go to their web site. good luck to you. sex can be gentle and loving and still be "hot"
 
I was just wondering how you are doing today? and what your reactions are from the other guys in this room? hope you find some answers from their kindnesses. you would probably benefit from some thinking about what turns you on sexually in a positive way. ways in which you don't have to hurt. sex is not an act of pain.
 
hi...thanks for responding...i went to get a massage at a yoga place once by a woman...it was nice but i started crying. not hard or anything, just leaking. She didn't notice (thank god). From an abstract point of view i don't think i want to be touched, i have very strong negative feelings about my body. when people touch me, even in a casual friendly way i feel as if i am enduring something.sometimes even just having a deep conversation makes me feel this way. i really want to like people but every person i have ever trusted has betrayed me some way or another. which i am kind of at the point where i know to let anyone close to me on any level is to invite them to hurt me but i do it anyway because i need human contact and at least this way when they do i am prepared for it.sometimes i don't think people mean to hurt me but i am very very sensitive from being hurt for so long. i guess i'm pretty resigned i try to enjoy closeness even though i know it will bring pain. which i probably wind up isolating myself but i think i am already in adifferent place, guys are living on this normal everyday level and i am a child in Hell. it doesn't even make me angry any more when people hurt me. i dont blame them i just think, well what did you expect? Other times something will set me off and i will get very angry/hurt and just huddle in the closet (literally) and cry and scream and try to comfort myself. i thought about seeing a shrink but i am really poor and do not think i can afford it. Sorry if i talked to much it's just good to get it out. :( null
 
I'm glad you have responded again. you are really in alot of pain. it would be wonderful if you could talk to someone whom you could learn to trust. you indicate that you don't have much money. there are many places where you can go for help which don't charge or charge based upon your income. are you located near a town that has a mental health center? I'd be glad to try to help you find someone you can trust to convey this pain. you deserve to be loved and to be in relationships which bring you joy rather than pain. hope to hear from you. chuck you can send me a private email if you wish: [email protected]
 
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