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I'm new

Hello. I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. I'm 27 years old and was sexually abused by a 16 year old step brother when I was in the 2nd grade. I never told anyone about it until this week. All of my life I have remembered fragments of what happened to me but never had any emotions connected with the memories. Recently I took a job at a school for registered sex offenders, ages 13-18. This is a school where offenders go to get help out of their criminal thinking and continue their education. Thinking that my sexual abuse from so long ago held no grip on me, I took the job and was looking forward to working with kids, even sex offenders. Well, all went fine my first week then came time for me to read all the "files" on each resident at the school. I read several case files on the residents, everything from what their abuse was like, to what crimes they commited on others. Whiles reading the files I read alot of what happened to me, but it did not bother me at the time. My first weekend came up and I was looking forward to spending time with my family. Over the weekendd something changed in me. My hands began to shake, and a anger built up inside of me like I had never felt before. My emotions where all over the place, one moment I would be calm, and the next I was ready to kill everyone in the room. I got to the point all I could do was sit on the floor and rock/shake. Something had caused so much anger inside of me that I was about to explode. I had no idea what it was at the time, but it was memories of my sexual abuse coming to the surface, memories I had kept hidden so long that I had consciencly forgotten them. As the hours went by on monday morning the worse I began to shake. I figured out on my own that it was the sexual abuse memories coming to the surface that was causing me to be so mad, but what I did not understand was "why". After all I had lived with these memories for 20 years without ever being mad before, and now that it is in my face everyday at my new job, I cant hold back the memories anymore. I'm remembering things in so much detail now that I sometimes need to go vomit. I decided to go into work and talk with the on-duty therapist about what I was feeling and find out if she had any advice for me. It was THE hardest thing I ever did, but I sat there in her office and told her what happened to me, at least what I remembered, from when I was in the 2nd grade. I have never given therapists much credit, figured they were a bunch of fakes to be honest, but this expereince woman was able to tell me things about my life that I was barely aware of. She knew more about me than most of my friends know. It was very strange. We spoke on friday and she said she would have a therapist lined up for me by monday (today). I understand that I have to deal with these feelings now or they will just come back later. This is very hard for me, just thinking about it makes me cry, and i cant even remember why im crying. maybe someone out there has some advice for me. Right now I'm overcome with emotions and I cant even label what they are. Im just now starting to scratch the surface of this issue and the feelings it stirs up scares the hell out of me. I'm starting to see how many of the behaviors i have developed on my life are survival skills Ive used to "forget" what happened. What amazes me most is I cant seem to force myself to think about it. I start to remember something and it is SOOO easy to just push the memory away and think about something else. I feel embarassed and ashamed, even knowing I should not, the feeling just wont go away. Well, thats who I am. If anyone has any insight to better help me understand what Im feeling, or can suggest good books, etc.. Please do.
thank you.
Idaho27
 
Hi Idaho, you will find a lot of support here

I can relate to what you have written. I read the book Victims No Longer by Mike Lew. It triggered me the way reading the case files triggered you.

I had spent 20 years knowing abuse happened to me, but denying it had any effect on me.
After reading the book, I realized it had a big effect on me. What I had assumed was related to how I was brought up were really related to being abused.

So I spent the weekend shaking, crying and with so much anxiety in my chest I thought I was having a heart attack. So I called my sister and she came over and we talked until sunrise the next day.

My advice to you is go easy on yourself. This is the toughest time you will have. Continue with the therapist, it works.
Continue coming here, I have read a number of old posts and find a lot of support. I also find I am not alone, and that is a great relief to me.

-Dan
 
Hi Idaho,

Welcome to our site. It sounds like you are doing all the right thimgs so far. I would suggest trying not to push these feelings away. They will most likely re-surface again.

You have come to the right place. There are a lot of great people here who have been through some terrible things. I think you will find them to be extremely supportive.

Brian
 
Idaho,

Dude, just be patient with yourself the best you can, be gentle with yourself, you deserve some tender loving care right now.

Whne the feelings first come back sometimes its like a dam breaks and it all comes rushing in at once, and just like water it will spread itself out and calm down, just take it one day at a time and let it happen at its own pace, you probably have a lot of hurts to be cried over, just find a safe place for you to cry it out and let the hurts heal some, dont worry about losing the anger or anything else for that matter, it will all hang out and wait its turn, all any of it wants is to just have a voice, to just be heard.

Your doing so good, your reaching out and getting some help lined up, that is so great.

Hang in there with it, your exactly right when you say you have to deal with it now, its here now, now is a good time.

John
 
hello Idaho,73. as all of us say, be kind t yourself. None of us feel it is an easy ride, but be very thankful that you are doing something about the abuse now and not like me when I waited 51 years to look back and deal with abuse. I do cry all the time, and things I didn't even think would affect me, are. I even published a post on the gay survivors page of this forum, as to why do I cry all the time. I tried, like you to work and put all the past behind me, but ironically the name of the hospital I was taken to after the subway train in NYC hit me, has the same name as the hospital back in MA I was abused at. I DOES take time and a bood therapist tells you things about yourself that you have forgotten. So take it easy on yourself and you are at a very good web site. Stay well. bosishere
 
Welcome to NOMSV,

It does sound like you are doing a lot of things to help your healing process. Talking about what is going on for you is a big help.

I am sure that you will find much support here. I have.

Peace,

Jim
 
Hey Idaho,

It was a bit freaky reading your post, since we have so much in common. I'm also 27, and I also work w/ abused kids (mostly victims, but a few perps, who were acting out their own abuse). I was always resistant to reading the kids' files. I read one perpetrator's file, but could not finish, because it was very graphic. I just figured that it was "normal" distaste for sick acts.

I've lived my entire life under the impression that I had a normal upbringing, and that I was insulated from the abuse that claimed my mom, and almost her whole side of the family (stuff I didn't find out about till high school).

All that changed Monday night, when I recovered a memory of being abused when I was 3. I guess I had always had a nagging suspicion all wasn't right, but it wasn't until I smoked pot with one of my closest friends, and my cousin (both women), that I felt comfortable enough to talk about my suspicions. They were obviously concerned for me, and asked me questions. The pot was like a truth serum, and all I had to do was make the decision to let the words out (something I'd never had the courage to do before). So I talked about all the various and random memories that made me suspect, and every memory triggered another, and another.

And then the all pieces came together.

And I had one of the most intense memory flashes of my life. I could feel my lips pushed back, by this phantom penis. And I felt this rage bubble up, and I envisioned beating the crap out of my best friend sitting next to me. Fortunately, just as repression had been my brain's defence with the abuse, the very same forces that hold me back from, well, everything kept me in check, and I was able to talk about all these very strange feelings, instead of acting on them.

I am so glad that my friend and my cousin were able to be as supportive as they were. We spent the next couple days still hanging out together. I called in sick to work Tues, and made a counseling appt for the next day. Last night (Thurs), I told one of my closest guy friends, and I've prepped another one of my closest guy friends for a serious talk when I visit him next week. There are perhaps 3 other people I might tell, so I'm working on a good support network. I'm unsure about if/when to inform my work. Work has been a good distraction, so far. I know I'm going to wait on telling the family, until I get some more counseling sessions under my belt.

It's really weird, but it was almost freeing to have this memory come forward. Suddenly, my whole life has come into focus, and I understand where many of my traits came from. Just a month ago, I really felt that my life was coming together in a mostly-satisfactory way, so I am blessed that my life wasn't affected in more dramatic ways.

But I'm still left with a bunch of loose ends: I don't know who did this to me; I don't know if it happened more than that one time; I still need to express and deal with the rage I've pushed down all my life.

I have avoided losing control of my emotions, because I somehow always knew that more would be unleashed than I intended. And I had a couple instances today where I started to feel the tears and the anger rise to the surface, but it was in the hour right before work, so I had to push it back. And I don't want to push it back, cuz I know how these feelings rush back again when the timing is even worse. I've had to do more than my share of grieving in the last 5 years, so it's not really surprising to me to find the process is similar.

Anyway, that's the short version of the last 5 days. I'm so glad that I found another outlet, for when I can't talk to my friends (like late at night, after work).

J
 
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