I'm new. just signed up. need advice i guess.

[Peterrr]

Heyy I'm Peter. I'm 16. I'm gay. I posted in here cause I'm openly gay and, I understand that none of the moderators can control what other guys have to say about my sexuality and i dont feel like getting crap about it tonight.
but yeah my friend greg sent me here cause ive been uber down lately.
i was moleseted when i was 10, or 11. i dont really remember. i GUESS it was only once, maybe twice, thats all i remember. for now. ive recently remembered something that happened a couple months before, i actually remember it happening but yeah. um. so. idk, why im here. i guess, god i really dont know.
all i know is, i cant stop thinking about it. i dont want to think about it. i want it to go away. i need someone to tell me how to make it go away. cause i cant sleep. i cant be happy. i cant function. i close my eyes and its there. i keep hearing.. stuff he said, i ccant live like this anyymore and, yeah so idk.

 

[roadrunner]

Peter,

I am not a gay survivor but I can comment a bit if that's okay.

First, welcome to Male Survivor. I'm really glad you found us. You may feel awkward and nervous at first, but you will soon see that here you will be accepted, supported and believed. The guys here will be interested in your issues and will be glad to comment as they can. Just get used to the place and find your own pace for making the use of it.

The most important emotion I pick up from your post is confusion; you keep saying "I don't know" and "idk". That's okay bro. Guys come here for that reason; they have questions and are confused about what is going on.

The first thing you need to know Peter, is that what happened was not your fault and it has nothing to do with your sexuality. You are gay - fine. That is part of who you are as Peter; it isn't something you chose one fine day. The abuse you suffered as a younger boy, on the other hand, was a crime committed against you by another person; it is NOT you and it does NOT define you. Abuse is never the boy's fault: not ever and no matter what else happened.

You end with this:

i dont want to think about it. i want it to go away. i need someone to tell me how to make it go away. cause i cant sleep. i cant be happy. i cant function. i close my eyes and its there. i keep hearing.. stuff he said, i ccant live like this anyymore and, yeah so idk.

I have to tell you that the answer is not to try to make it "go away". It doesn't work like that. Many guys do try that, sure. I did when I was your age, for example. But in order to do it I relied on ever more dangerous and destructive combinations of drinking and drugs. The whole thing nearly killed me, and in the end the effort came to nothing. Efforts to make it go away just don't work. They just bottle up our feelings of fear, shame, guilt, confusion, etc., until they explode later in ways that can really hurt us. Not just drugs and drink, but harmful sexual adventures because we think we have to "prove something", harming our bodies through cutting, and so on.

The way forward is to work on these problems. We have to recognize them, talk about them, be honest with ourselves, and get professional guidance in the form of therapy. Seeing a therapist doesn't mean you are a loser, a nut case, or weak. In fact it takes a lot of courage to do the work needed to recover. But hang with us here and we will support you, okay?

Male Survivor has a "Mod Buddy", Scotty Todd (Howard), who will be in contact with you. He's in charge of looking after the guys who are under 18 and he is a therapist who sees a lot of guys your age. You should also know that MS is well-moderated. This will be a safe place for you in general, and you should feel free to talk about whatever you want.

Much love,
Larry

 

[george of kent]

Hey, Peter,
Welcome to MS.
I'm 67 and I'm gay -- and like you, I'm still quite new here.
But I've already learned that the men here are not judgmental and could not care less about your personal sexual practices.
What they do care about is giving the support and encouragement which only they uniquely can offer to others along the path of recovery from the wounds of CSA.
And in due course, we will become able to offer opinions and suggestions to the rest of the brotherhood, and thus we all help each other to heal and to find peace/resolution.
This place is a real treasure. "Get comfortable and sit a spell."