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Kieran1

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I hope I can find some help and suggestions here,as this has been difficult for me to talk about. I was sexually abused by a family friend at the age of 12.I was and continue to be hurt,angry,confused and at times embarrased to talk about this. The horrible memories have been locked away for so long,sometimes I try to convince myself it didn't happen. I have never told anyone close to me about it. Is it better to let all of it out in the open? I don't know if I could ever do this! I joined this support group for help and support on what I can do.
 
Hi Kieran, I'm really glad you found this forum, but truly sorry that you needed to. In answer to your question, I don't know if it is better to bring everything into the open. I guess it depends on the person and the family and friends he has, how necessary it is to bring it in the open, and how receptive and supportive the family and friends would be. I think your best bet is to find a therapist to help guide you through this decision making process. Good luck in your recovery. Peace, Andrew

There is no courage without anxiety
 
Kieran1, I'm sorry about the abuse you suffered. All it takes, is to say it, and you will be believed and accepted.

I have to agree with andrew. Get a therapist that works with sexual abuse survivors.
I also found it helpful to have one close friend and one family member know. And yes, there are risks to telling. It's really scary. I need a therapist to help me know where to even start.

There are 1,035 here that can help u out and educate you. A 1,035 to date that understand your pain. I hope you can find some comfort here.
Blacken
 
Hi Kieran,

Welcome to MS.

We all have different ideas that we share with each other as survivors. You will want to post and let us respond to you for a while.

Right now, I think you need to keep reminding yourself that you have nothing to be ashamed about. You did nothing wrong. Most of us, if not all, who were sodomized are very embarassed to admit that. It disgusts us. Sometimes, what is worse is the pain and awful fear we had that we now remember.

If you take your time to surf around this site there are a lot of articles that are very helpful. The way I found those was that I went to the site map at the bottom of the homepage--then I looked into every thing, in every category--but they keep adding so you have to keep reading.

You probably know about the books most of us read. BETRAYED AS BOYS; VICTIMS NO MORE and ABUSED AS BOYS, the forgotten-----

Dr. Richard Gartner is our President and he wrote BETRAYED AS BOYS. I found this to be a book that opend me to lots of understanding. The other two books helped me to know that I was not the only kid that had this crap happen to him.

Just be good to yourself. Do some reading and post here when you want. In time it will become clear what you should do. Most of us eventually feel the need to expose the perp if he is most likely still harming boys. If the perp is dead that is a diferent thing.

Feel safe here Kieran. Sometimes we have to take a while to get to the point where we feel really safe. But it comes in time.

Peace to you brother.

Bob
 
Kieran, hi there.
I share the other guys views as well, it's best to get therapy from someone who deals with SA, although coming here is a great start and a wonderful place for help and support.

Somewhere I have some info' on Canadian web sites, your Gov't one is a good place to go for a start.
I will find them and post them again.

Stick around, the company's good.

Dave :)
 
Kieran:

Welcome to the brotherhood of Male Survivors, a great place to learn to survive SA and even thrive by living beyond it.

As others have said, finding a good therapist is important, as is good reading like the books that were mentioned. "Leaping Upon the Mountains" by Mike Lew is also an outstanding book. Also, if you can find a solid live support group for male survivors, it will be worth it. Took me a while & I have to drive a ways, but I've just found one.

There is a lot of good reading here at MS. Concerning how & how much to deal what people when about your SA, our own Ken Singer has written a good article on "Disclosure and Confrontation," which I refer to often. You can find it in the articles section off the main page.

Kieran, just by coming here and sharing this with us you have already taken a big & courageous step!
Thank you. :cool:

Victor
 
Hi Kieran Glad you found this place,sorry you need it. As everyone has said you need a good T to help you find your way. Don't rush ,move at your own pase. I came here everyday for a few month reading before I made a move to find the help I needed. Lots of great info in the old post and now you can be part of others post. You will soon know that you are not alone. Before you know it you will be making a posting about your 1st session with your therapist.
You will find that most of your friends and family will be very sportive of you. One friend I told was also a victim of child sexual abuse. We knew each other for 25 years but alse hid in the silence. Just coming here is such a big step you are now a SURVIVOR. Muldoon
 
Hi Kieran.
Mikechurch here. I concur with all of the above. I am from Canada also. If you live in the Greater Toronto Area there is a place where you can start. It is called The Gatehouse. It is on Lakeshore Avenue just East of kipling. It has been created strictly for survivors who are predominantely male. The phone # there is 416-255-5900. If you are not from around here it might be worth a call to them to find out if they are aware of anything in your area.
They are well aware of what we have gone through and are, to me, a source of comfort in urgent times.
 
I appreciate all the feedback I have been getting from you and everyone else. Is it OK to talk a little about what happened to me? It will be difficult to do,I realize but I have so much "terrible stuff" bottled up inside me, and I need to talk about it! I began to cry last night and re-lived the whole experience as if it was yesterday.I feel like that lost little boy again and I feel my abuser took my childhood away from me!If you can suggest ways to do it can you help? I am going to see a counsellor in two-weeks,but for now any one who can be a sounding board would really help.
 
Of course its OK to write about what happened to you. You will see many posts that refer to specific events. Check out the "Survivor Stories" section. You'll probably need to change the range of dates for the posts to see them all, but there are some incredible stories of courage there. Welcome aboard.

Will
 
Kieran.
If you feel more comfortable talking about feelings instead of events and how you relate to yourself as well as to others it might be better for you to start that way. We all know that when you start on your journey it can be a very trying time. We are here to let you know that you are not alone. Unfortunately we are a rather large club for which we had to pay a terrible price to join. Do not be afraid. If you want to rant that is ok. And if you cry that is ok too. All of it will help you heal.
Welcome
 
Kieran
write what you want and how you want, it's a great release.

We dont judge or keep score, one mans abuse is no worse than the next mans. It's all bad, and sharing it is the strongest thing you'll ever do.
Do it a bit at a time if that's easier.

You're a survivor, welcome to the club.
You've made a decision that your abusers wont win, and you will beat the pain they gave you.
It aint easy, but the starting was the real hard part.

Dave
 
Dave,thanks for your advice. I will start to tell my story, a piece at a time. I was always a happy child,eager to please,and obeyed my parents,teachers,and all other people in places of authority.I had some close friends in my early childhood and enjoyed sports,games etc. I was also very naive.Even at the age of 12 I knew very little of sex,except what my friends and I giggled about,a few dirty jokes etc.I had celebrated my 12th birthday at Christmas,and during the following summer,went with my parents,and two sisters to our cottage in the interior.A very close friend of my Dads(we called him Uncle Will)met us at the laketo spend a few weeks with us and enjoy fishing with my Dad.This man always seemed to enjoy having fun with me and my sisters,swimming and taking us out on his small outboard. It was also that summer that he seemed to get a closer relationship with me.We went out alone fishing on the lake,he let me steer the boat all over the lake and I was having a ball! It felt like I had an older brother and I often talked to him about my life,what I wanted to be(a fighter pilot).During the fun times he began to tell funny little jokes,a little dirty which had me laughing even harder,because I never heard that type of thing from my Dad.His jokes got to the stage where he started to talk about some of the women he had seen naked on a part of the beach the summer before. I immediately asked him if we might go there and check them out. Of course,we arrived at the "beach" with no one to be seen.(I actually remember this know if it was yesterday")I think he said we could come back early in the morning,sneak out of the house and watch them thru his binoculars. I was excited but also felt nervous about it all.'we can see those big knockers'or something he said.He also said something about seeing these girls would give you a boner a foot long.I remember saying a bold ya! or something.(I have to call a time out here because my hands are shaking so bad.as I tell this I,m crying but have to get some more of it out! )it turned out there were three women on the beach that morning.I stared at them and Uncle Will said something to the effect,have a look Kieran,that will warm your thing up.He sat behind me in the boat,and as I looked in kind of wonder,I began to get excited.I remember he had started to rub my back and move down to my lower back.I sat there not moving afraid to say anything,he whispered in my ear its OK for this to happen to guys like us.Sorry,this is too much for now,I pretty upset now
 
Kieran
That's how they do it, they gain your trust and betray you all at the same time.
It's no wonder we end up so confused, we believed their lies, we trusted them completely. Sometimes we even loved them.
They told us that what they were doing was because they loved us, and if we loved them then it was alright, but we still had to keep it a secret.

I kept mine for 31 years, and it was hell !
But it also gave me all the reasons I needed to recover and place the blame for my ruined life squarely back where it belong - with them.

We did NOTHING WRONG Kieran, not a thing.
They abused us, never forget that simple truth.

Dave
 
He did betray my trust,and that man took something away from me,my innocence! I think I should finish my story,but I feel even more embarrased to finish it.After that initial experience,I felt kind of confused,but he had somehow made me feel good,and I really did not know how to react.A fews days later we had another encouter alone as we put the boat in the boatshed for repair.Again,he was very subtle about what he was going to do, and that I would really enjoy it.Well I guess I did and he had me naked and did all sorts of stuff with his hands and mouth,which made me react the way he wanted!That afternoon he did have sex with me,promising that it could get even better,if I wanted it.I felt terribly scared on one hand and excited on the other. He had me under his spell,gradually getting the experiences more involved until he penetrated me.It was so painful and horrible I was terrified.I ran away from the cottage after that in tears,I was sobbing and screaming.You know,the worst part it seems was that I knew parents had not a clue of what was going on!There was no way I knew that I could tell them.Tell me if I should stop here and try another way to talk about this.
 
Hi Kieran.

Welcome to MS sorry you had to find us. I only have one thing to say and that is "take it easy" and "take your time". You will instinctively know when its right to start revealing those things that have lain hidden for so long.I know that because I have been there so has every other guy that uses this board. The big thing with me was realsing I was not on my own.

Stay close to the room

And all that was left was hope

Archnut :)
 
Kieran; Mike here again. Think of how old you were. In your 13th year.You have just been sodomized after some other stuff that made you feel good. So along with the physical pain there is the mental anguish and guilt of enjoying what came before. Think about how he did it. Making you feel good (and believe me it does no matter how revolting in your mind it is) and now it is your turn to make him feel good. He set you up. You were forced to return the favour. Now you are 12 plus remember. How are you going to tell anyone let alone your parents. My god you are just entering your sexual awakening and this happens. Think of the fear that you had if the former came out with the latter. It is like the man saying she asked for it. That son of a bitch robbed you of an enjoyable sexual awakening and made you feel like a piece of shit. He also robbed you of your teenage years. My was taken away too. I felt terribly weak when it happened to me and like you I could not tell anyone. I really started to believed that it was my fault and that my perps were only giving me what I wanted. SHIT I get so angry about it now. But Kieran you have survived and that is a remarkable accomplishment and you are gonna heal and that is what you must look forward to.
 
Kieran Like so many others your PERP worked your young mind, making you think you wanted their evil. These guys are pros at working over their victims.
A very close friend of my Dads(we called him Uncle Will
Click to expand...
This so called Uncle Will could have been friends with your dad for no other reason than to get close to you. He could of been waiting for years, for that momment to abuse you. You had no reason to think he was evil he was your dad's friend. Most Perps are PROS at what they do,they fullly understand the child's mind. You where a helpless boy doing battle againest professional EVIL. You did nolthing wrong . Muldoon
 
Kieran I hope whatever you are doing and where ever you are that you are well. We all struggle, and we all hurt, and so hugs to you my friend.

Michael
 
Kieran,
Same kinda thing happened to me......I was completely naive and I trusted him......It is very sad to have been robbed of that innocence.......but it's ok to learn to trust again....
I think an important part is knowing that we were vulnerable and were taken advantage of......any piece of shit can take advantage of a naive child, who has no idea what's going on and has nowhere to go with this completely disorienting experience.....
All the best
Steve
 
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