i'm new here (prob trigger)

i'm new here (prob trigger)
J

Jesse

New Registrant
Please forgive me in advance for not having tact... I don't have any social skills.

I'm still not sure if it's a good thing that I found this website or not. Time will tell.

As I type this, I'm shivering all over cause I feel I'm doing something that I promised I would never again do: trust in people. I never give people my phone number, email, or visit chat rooms or forums. Why would anyone ever do such things? Are they stupid or something? The best thing to do is run and hide where no one can see...

I'm an adult now in my late twenties. I've been living alone since about the age 17. I've never kissed a woman nor have gone out on a date. I'm just a child with an adult body when it comes to socializing or dating.

I've read some of the other posts and the "positive feedback" that others give. I don't believe any of it. It's all fake isn't it? It's all Machiavellian tactics to gain people's trust.

Does not everyone that's been SA by a family member know there's no real love in the world? I mean how could two strangers have more love than one's natural family? If my blood relatives did things to me that still hurt to this day, how could mere internet friends be any better? It's all a damn lie...

Jesse
 
Jesse,

I am happy you found this site and hope it will help you.

I am sorry for your pain. I was also abused by a family member and can understand your mistrust and the other emotions you expressed.

I hope that you will feel comfortable enough here to let the people here listen to you.

Thanks for sharing with me.

Jonathan
 
Welcome, Jesse:

I can perfectly understand your mistrust of people. I was a victim of emotional incest by my mother, sexually assaulted by an uncle, and lived a life of hell being beaten up, spit on and the brunt of everyone's jokes all through school. It takes me a LONG time to learn to trust other people AND if that trust is broken, the person who did it doesn't exist to me anymore.

What helped me was a support group for male survivors of SA as well as sites such as this. Try to remember this as you read other people's stories: every one of us here is baring our souls, our deepest shame, our fears and all of the things that we have hidden from the world all our lives. We have broken the secret of SA.

In showing these parts of ourselves to each other, we learn to build a mutual trust. When I attended the support group where I live (moderated by my T), I literally had to write my "story" and read it with paper shaking and tears down my face because I couldn't face those 8 other people. I didn't HAVE to tell the story, but it was a step that I needed to do to break the silence and learn to trust SOMEONE.

Their reaction was NOT that of laughter, jeering or disbelief. They were compassionate, supportive and understanding. As well, they shared their experiences with me. As odd as it may sound, it was a beautiful experience in a way because how many people in this world do you know can sit together (especially men) and share the most intimate and/or embarrassing parts of their lives?

It created a bond that will never be broken. I still am close friends with one of the members and we continue to meet on a regular basis (the group had to disband because it lost the public funding). He and I can talk about ANYTHING - he knows me better than my wife of 22 years - not that I have anything to hide from her, but there are things that happened to us as children that, unless someone has gone thru SA themselves, will never be able to comprehend completely the depth of damage that has been done to us.

You are NOT alone. It took me many years to learn to trust my own wife - to learn that she is one person who will never betray me.

Trust is something that has to be earned. It is gained by sharing a little of ourselves at a time and realizing that the world isn't going to end, that we won't be made fun of, that we will be met with compassion and honest feedback.

I hope that this will be your experience here. This place is real, genuine and filled with men who have been abused, tossed away, betrayed and hurt to the very core of our beings. But, by coming together with this common bond, we learn from each other. We share our fears, memories, hopes, dreams, and yes, even sometimes our victories.

I won't sugarcoat the fact that it's a difficult process towards recovery and wholeness. But, it makes it a heck of a lot less scary when we have a "safety net" of people we can trust.

And YES, it's possible to love someone more than our birth families when our parents and siblings were dysfunctional. Their idea of "love" was warped and came with strings attached.... love does not mean using someone, love does not mean taking away a child's freedom, loves does not mean using a child to satisfy sexual or emotional needs.

BTW, you'll quickly learn that I can be quite 'verbose' , so I'll shut up for now. I just hope that you will continue to read and learn from our experiences and interactions. Hopefully, you will muster the strength to continue to post - you've already done it once and that's an accomplishment in itself.

Welcome!

Sophiesdad
 
Originally posted by sophiesdad:
It takes me a LONG time to learn to trust other people AND if that trust is broken, the person who did it doesn't exist to me anymore.
Click to expand...
Thank you for your reply. When I read your post, it intuitively felt right but it still scared the crap out of me knowing my secrets will possibly have to be let out in order for me to fully recover from my past. I hate having to trust my feelings.

I can't even count how many times I've told myself that "I will never talk to such and such ever again." Trust is a big issue for me. When people knock on my door, I run into the shower pretending I'm not home. When the phone rings it scares the hell out of me because I'm wondering who in the world would even want to talk to me and why. I can't even use public urinals for fear that I may not urinate properly or people may want to look at my penis.

Ever since I moved out of my parents house, I have adopted a minimalist lifestyle. I have no furniture, no TV, or no large possessions just in case I have to escape-- you never know. I've lived many times in an empty studio with only a stack of books and surviving on Ramen noodles.

I basically survived because I don't feel lonely without friends. I know I can live without friends, but all this crap that happened to me as a kid still comes back. It's pretty easy for me to retreat into my head and ignore people. As long as I don't get involved with them they'll never be a source of pain.

BTW, I have visited a therapist (military) before but he was too easy to convince that I was getting better when in fact I wasn't. I took a psych test and I think he said that I had either Avoidant personality disorder or Schizotypal with some Schizoid traits.

Jesse
 
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