Jewelz,
I can identify some with your plight in this. It is a lot to carry & deal with so early in your marriage.
I do hope that the two of you have sought or are seeking counseling both individually & as a couple. I highly encourage the two of you to do so -- healing & dealing with the abuse issues is so very hard & having a "professional" & group support makes the journey so much easier....
I share on the level of both my hubby & I being survivors... we each knew of "who" each others "abusers" were long ago -- it naturally made the times that we have been around those "abusers" more of a "united front" for the two of us -- mostly cuz we talked about what the "rules" of engagement, or lack of were going to be when faced with such a situation. We even chose to share the information with our kiddos so that in any event they were "alone" with them they could be best prepared to protect themselves & remove themselves without any explanation to anyone but us. (age appropriate for them as they matured)
Understanding that your hubby needs to be in control during this time is important -- how you express your needs to keep the kids (all of them) Safe may be the key in getting what you both need during this very stressful time.
Hubby can only deal with his pain and the "facts" of his abuse at HIS pace... letting you in with the information a little a time perhaps. It is a long held secret that often times is much "easier to hold" than to tell... confrontation or fear of confrontation is a humongous step for any survivor. Just the fear of not being believed by extended family members who didnt "do" the abuse is huge... or the fear that someone else may also disclose at the same time carries its own weight of fear & side effects.
Tonight my own hubby & I had a discussion that was a bit in comparison to your situation. Hubby is traveling for the holidays to visit with his family, his mother will be there & he will have contact with her. He had been asking me "when and if" I was going to make this trip with him. I didnt know if he genuinely wanted me to go with him or not. He stated that he "wanted me definetly" to go as he did not in anyway want to be alone with "her". Not a problem for me.. but I had to know the "rules" of what and how I could or could not respond or talk with her. His "mother" has a way of manipulating him ... he hates it & feels very disempowered by her. My hubby shared with me that he "did NOT" want me to confront her or say anything in angry response if she brought up his disclosure of the SA or the SA itself. In effect his SA is not up for ANY discussion we are to express that & leave if needed.
Ok... I understood what HE needed .. ME to do during this time. (tho as I told hubby i would be just as happy to smack the shit out of this so called "mother")
Perhaps you could approach your hubby with some suggestions... 1) state that you "trust" him to keep the children safe 2) state that you too need to have the information of who the abuser is to keep the kiddos safe so as not to "distrust" Everyone (in effect punishing everyone for one persons behavior) 3)Assure him that you will NEVER disclose the SA information without his express permission (this is very important to follow thru on respecting him to verify that you are trustworthy) 4)Assure him the information gained is not so that you can "use it against him" or will be used in any way to confront or disclose to anyone without his direction.
It never hurts to keep telling him that you "believe" him about his SA... and that you know he is a good father -- parenting is a 2 way street and it takes 2 parents most times to cover when the other is preoccupied. If he is exerting "all of his energy" into protecting the kiddos with out letting on to anyone "who" the risk factor is he wont have any enjoyment during the visit... and truthfully neither will you as most likely time will be spent trying to "figure out" who the abuser is so you can best protect not only the kiddos but your hubby also....
Perhaps sharing that point with him could help? That because you love him so much it is "natural" to want to protect him from further pain but you need to know HOW you can protect him along the way & support him also...
I know its not just a "morbid curosity" -- as parents knowing all the risk factors is important in any situation we place our children into. This is potentially a "high risk" situation for not only the kiddos, but you and hubby.
Perhaps also that since you have children from other relationships & one "together" that you not "split" the kiddos during this time. This could create a mine, yours & ours situation that could be in the long run unhealthy for your family.
The other part of being a partner is sometimes biting the bullet & expressing your needs clearly & choosing to either live with not knowing & teaching the ALL the kiddos about SA (age appropriate for them) --- allowing time for your hubby to deal with coming to terms with working together to find a happy medium for these types of gatherings or deciding for yourself to remove yourself & not attend the functions.
Of course you have many options available on how you and the two of you handle these types of functions... the important thing to remember is how one is prepared to "back up" those boundaries & decisions.
Trust in your relationship is a probable long ongoing issue in many aspects not just potential exposure to a known abuser. It is difficult as a partner to trust someone who is so wounded --- and even sometimes to trust ourselves. Its even harder for our survivor partners to "trust us" to not cross their boundaries and even for them to "trust that we believe them".
One of the effects of the abuse often is that "even if I tell/ told no one will / would ever believe". Many times & probably more likely than not "we" as partners are the "first trusted" person that the survivor shares with. HOW we take care of the trust and Secret is / could be very essential & critical as to how our survivor partners heal & progress the wounds from the abuse.
If possible try not to place yourself in a either or situation or resolves... most times there are some very "grey" options to dealing with the issues. Often there is (in my experience) a lot of "fake it til I make it" times also...
And why does it seem that he's trying to protect the offender instead of my son and me?
Perhaps if you could see that it may not be so much about "protecting the abuser" it is possible it is more about protecting "himself" and the kiddos. There is a huge amount of risk in exposing the secret -- and all very valid & scarey possibilities. Confrontation and exposure of SA should only be done in the manner the survivor chooses & has ALL the control in choosing to disclose or not... and with the support and guidance of trusted family, friends & professionals the survivor chooses.
SA is about the survivor... its not about "us" as partners. It "effects us" directly yes,... but we are "secondary survivors". How our partners heal and deal is strictly up to them... we cant "make them" do anything in our time.
I sincerely hope that you come back & share & read the wonderful information here on this site... and more folks will come along with more insight & support...
Peace,
Sammy
-- would never do anything to my sons. Then I was reading Courage to Heal (written for women but very helpful for me) and in that book they mention how often survivors feel that their children are safe, that the incident will not be repeated, only to discover too late that they were wrong.
