I'm new and scared where this may go

I'm new and scared where this may go
S

Sam_S

Registrant
Hi All

I'm really not sure if I was abused. I just know I wish it never happened.

Can't remember when it started I guess I was about 6 or 7, it was with my older sister of 3 years, it went on until I was about 14.

I know it sounds sick but my memories of it are that I enjoyed it. Today it has totally messed me up, it should never have happened.

I just want to know was I abused or is this something that is a normal part of growing up?

I have many issues within myself, outside I guess people see me as a functional person but inside I despise myself, depressed, sexually obsessed and feel insane sometimes. Of course this is mostly hidden.

Sorry for not explaining very well but I've never really allowed myself to think of this, find it hard what to say and I'm scared of what will happen if I go down this road.
 
You are in the right Place. You know the answer to your own Question. If you hurt this Much It was abuse. I don't fully know you story but Just from what you describe and How you feel It was Not "Normal" growing up.

Thank you for finding this site. I welcome you and want you to know you are amongst Guys that understand and Know how you feel so Just be yourself and Dont worry about getting it Right.

I Have not been here Long myself But I can say this site and the Guys on it are awesome to learn whats what and to help on that road. For me it was Literally a Life saver. I Hate this is How we all Have to meet But I am Grateful we are Here.

So Please know you willfind friends and safety here to help alone the way. Read others post and you will find similar stories and Tons of help. It is ok to be scared, we all have been there done that so know that we know and it is ok but also know we are here for you in any way that we can.
 
Hi Ken

Thanks so much for your reply, you have no idea what it means to me, its simply a massive weight of my shoulders to even one reply.

I've no idea what the first step is in recovery, for years I simply would not allow myself to think about what went on, I'm now 36 married with a 3 year old boy, since he was born what happenned in the past is causing me more and more heartache than ever before and I'm finding it harder each day to simply live a "normal" life, mood swings, depression etc. I'm seriously over protective with my son, I guess its as a result of my past.

Enough for now this is so hard to think about.

but once again thank you so much for your reply, for the 1st time in my life I am getting a hint of why I really feel the way I feel.

Sam
 
Sam
Glad you found this place so you can get help on your road to RECOVERY. There is lots of help here from the guys and the info on the HOME page.

Finding a Therapist is a good 1st step. Having a professional to talk this over with helps us to understand the harm that was done to us.

Take your time do some reading here and you will want to deal with the abuse to make your life better.
Tom
 
Sam I echo Tom's reply. You might want to pm David who goes by the name "Lloyd". He is from the UK also.

I can certainly understand the protectiveness you have for you son.

Remember, no matter how good it felt at the time, it was not your fault, not your dirty little secret and not your shame. It was hers.
 
Sam
you came here for the right reasons, and it's the right place. The sad thing is that any of us need to be here.

If you need any contacts here in the UK send me a Private Message, or just ask on the forum, and I'll try and help. I have some good contacts here in the UK, especially in the Midlands.

Dave
 
Sam,

I'm glad you found this site; you will find that the guys here are very supportive and helpful. We are all here for the same reason, and you will never have to fear about saying something that will shock or disgust or offend anyone.

You seem to be feeling now as I felt when I made my first 2-3 posts. I felt this enormous sense of relief, almost disbelief, that I had not been shunned or chased away. And I quickly discovered that my feeling of being all alone with this problem was utterly false. It was great. I quickly came to see that I was a long way from recovery, but still, it was great to feel that I had a place where I could talk freely.

There are a few things in particular that might be worth mentioning. First, yes, it was abuse. Sexual abuse is about misuse of power. It is not normal for a girl of 17 to have sexual contacts with her little brother, and the disparity of age alone would make that contact abusive.

The other point is this:

I know it sounds sick but my memories of it are that I enjoyed it.
Click to expand...
It is entirely normal for a boy to respond to sexual arousal by "liking it", orgasm, or whatever, even if at the same time he feels frightened and confused at what is happening. Your body was responding to physical stimulation.

When a guy arrives here it isn't easy to speak of these things as frankly as you are doing. This kind of openness will help you a lot!

Take care,
Larry
 
Sam,

I think that there are at times episodes of 'experimentation' in childhood. I am not expert, but I don't believe those go on for that much and that long. It sounds to me like it was indeed abuse.

As others have said, it is normal at times, in some circumstances, for it to 'feel good'. That does not make you at fault, it does not give you shame, and it does not mean you wanted or enjoyed it. It just was the response of your body to things. It happens. We're men.

I hope that you continue to come here, and find it helpful in your healing.

Leosha
 
Oh my goodness Sam!

You read my mail. Your story is almost a twin of mine. Contrary to what you wrote, you said HEAPS and have been understood in here more than you can probably imagine at the moment.

It's my first month in here and you have showed more courage than I did in my first steps. For bearing your heart I say thankyou. Again, as repeated by others, wouldn't it be great if you never had the need to find a community like this? But you are here, and that will continue to be a great help to you.

And on the question of did abuse REALLY take place? You know it did. Don't let the lie of guilt invade your mind and allow the [false] shame of your body physically reacting to also rob you of your recovery. You cannot do anything about the physical responses that your body had. If you get cut you bleed don't you? Well, it's the same with a physical reaction to when you are touched. Your physical reactions did not make you the guilty one or the willing one.

What happended was real and wrong. You are believed. I believe you.

Also, as you read about others try not to (I'm also speaking to myself here) compare your circumstances to others and have that also dis-empower your hurt and abuse. What happened to you happened to you and is unique in the way it has affected you. Your journey through recovery and life will also be unique. What won't be unique is the support and encouragement you get here. It's all the same. Geuine, caring, and non judgemental.

Welcome from others just like you Sam.

...Bruce
 
Thanks all very much for your replies and support.

Still scarey, still hard to actually accept, beleive this happened to me, that it was not my fault, but I know in time and with support the right thinking will come.

Not sure if this is the right place to ask but does anyone know how I can find out about one to one counciling here in the UK, Essex ??

Once again thanks for all your care and support

Sam
 
Sam
try some of these numbers, and even if they are female only they will certainly know where to direct you.
Dave

Careline
Cardinal Heenan Centre 326-8 High Road Ilford lGl lQP
Tel 0181 5145444
Helpline 0181 5141177
Open:Weekdayslo-4; 7-10 Telephone counselling on all (sues including sexual abuse for all ages; face to face counselling for adults; maintains list of national helplines for sexual abuse survivors.

ME CYA


Carli Project
95 Luncies Road Basildon SSI4 1SD
Tel 01268555244
Open: Mon-Fr19-5, by appointment:+alm Service for young women (12-20) living in south west Essex expedencing family breakdown and/or sexual abuse. Referrals from social services.
F YA


Catch Project, Rainer Foundation
19-22 Church End Harlow CM19 SPO
Tel 01279445610
Open: Weekdays 9 - 4 Counselling (one to one and group) for young women (13-17) on variety of issues including sexual abuse; group for young lesbians.
F Y


Chelmsford Rape & Sexual Abuse
Counselling Centre
P.O.Box 566
Chelmsford CM2 8YP
Tel 012454~~~~3
Helpline 012454~~~~3
Open: Tues and Fri: 7.30-9.30 pm
Counselling (one to one and telephone)
for survivors of sexual abuse, rape
(15. years).
F YA


Child Abuse Advisory Service
61 Station Road
Hurlingham Chambers
Clacton On Sea
0015150
Tel 01255435000
Open: Weekdays 9.30- 730pm
Individual counselling service for young
(14+) and adult survivors and their
families and partners. Service for
offenders also.
MF YA


Childrens Legal Centre
University Of Essex
Wivenhoe Park
Colchester 004 350
Helpline 01206 873 820
Open: Weekdays 2-5
MF CYA E NO


Colchester Rape Crisis Line
P.O. Box 548
Colchester
Essex
Tel 01206834402
Helpline 01206769795
Open: Wed 7.30-9.30
F CYA NO


Independent Care After Incestuous Relationships And Rape.
Gate House
Whiteways
Great Chesterford CB10 1 NX
Tel 01799530520 (HIQ) Open: Office Hours
Holds directory of carers (mostly in local area) who do support work (by post & phone) for survivors of incest or sexual abuse. (all support carers are survivors themselves). National Penfriend scheme.

A


Sexual Abuse Mums Support
(S.A.M.S)
58 Queens Road
Southend On Sea
Essex 552 IPZ
Tel 01702435181
Helpline 01702 339 673
Open: Mon-Thu 10.30-2, Wed 7-9pm
One to one support to mothers of
abused children, non-abusing fathers.
survivors, relatives.
MF YA


South Essex Rape & Incest Crisis Centre
Tel 01375381322
Helpline 01375 380 609
Open: Tue: 8-10; Tur: 12-4; Pri: 10-12 Telephone, face to face and group counselling service for young girls (13,) and adult women survivors and mothers of children who have been sexually abused.
Southend Rape And Sexual Abuse
Support Line
58 Queens Road
Southend On Sea
Essex 551 1PZ
Helpline 01702347933. a/m
Open: Tue: 7-10; Fri: 12-2.30
Telephone, face to face and group
counselling for young (IS.) and adult
women survivors.
F YA


Thurrock Rape Crisis Centre
Tel 01375380609
Open: Tue 8-l0prn;Thur&Fn 12-4pm
F A no


Young Concern, Harlow College
West Site Harlow CM2O 3RA
Tel 01279866202
Helpline 01279 453 717
Open: Weekdays 9.30 - 530 Face to face and telephone counselling for young people (up to 25 years) on any
subject.
MF CY
F VA

F = Female
FM = Female & Male
Y = Young people
E = Ethnic minorities
A/M = Answering machine when closed
M = Male
C = Children
A = Adults
NO = No contact made, type of service unknown
 
Sam, I dont know so much about this type of abuse, but abuse is abuse.

I have different issues, but to deny yourself that it was abuse is wrong.

If a past life event causes you so much concern, then it must be abuse, and please do not minimalize it.

Our childhoods are the building blocks of life, they are us!

Dont feel insane, dont feel depressed, talk it out with a professional, but it is not your fault!

ste

If past childhood events cause us misery and hurt, then it needs to be addressed in a positive manner, with a good Therapist.
 
I can relate to what you are feeling and going through. I was sexually abused by my sister as well when I was a child. I am 22 now. It happened when I was 6/7. Although she told my parents and it only lasted for a few months (I think) it was never brought up by anyone even though all along I remembered (all to well). I couldn't talk to them until just this year (so it was about 15 years of silence). I have been coming to this site for a while but have never posted. The fact that your story was similar to mine has led my to write this. I hope everything goes well for you. I am still working through things but talking to my parents and confronting my sister has helped, along with getting a therapist who listened. The best of luck and remember that your not the only one...
 
noloveinfear - Welcome to the site and glad you posted. I'm sorry for what brought you here but this is the place to come to work through CSA issues!! Thanks for sharing about your abuse. The more you share and get out the "abuse", the more powerful and empowered we become!! Sounds like you are working hard and making progress!! Keep safe!!

Howard
 
Thanks! It's good to know I am not alone! It's hard to be a guy dealing with this for several reasons but it is good to know that a site like this exists where we can speak our minds. I hope to write and discuss more in the future.

Andrew
 
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