I'M MAD AS HELL.....

I'M MAD AS HELL.....

HI, I'LL MAKE THIS SHORT. I'M MAD AS HELL AND CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO THE GUY WHO SEXUALLY DID ME AND THEN "SHOWED ME OFF " NAKED TO HIS FRIENDS AND THEY TOUCHED ME AND FONDLED ME TILL I ALMOST PASSED OUT FORM FRIGHT. I WAS ON A CAMPING TRIP FOR THE WEEKEND WITH MY SISTER AND HER BOYFRIEND. I WENT TO THE BEACH AND THEN HE CAME UP TO ME AND HELPED ME BUILD A SAND CASTLE. IT PROGRESSED FROM THERE. WE WENT BACK TO MY TENT AND HE TOLD MY SISTER HE WAS A CAMP COUNCELOR AND COULD BE "TRUSTED" WITH KIDS BECAUSE HE WAS LICSENCED BY THE STATE. HE INVITED ME BACK TO HIS TENT FOR A CAMPFIRE THAT NIGHT. MY SISTER WANTED TO BE ALONE WITH HER BOYFRIEND SO SHE SAID OK. THATS WHEN THINGS WENT SOUR. HE SAID HE HAD TO CHANGE AND, OH GOD....THIS IS REALY HARD. HE SAID THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO LEAVE AND PROCEEDED TO GET UNDRESSED IN FRONT OF ME AND HIS FRIEND. HE DIDN'T GET DRESSED BUT SAT DOWN NEXT TO HIS FRIEND AND THEY STARTED TO TOUCH EACH OTHER. I REMEMBER I WAS FROZEN WHERE I STOOD. WACTHING THERE HANDS MOVE OVER THERE BODIES. I COULDN'T MOVE. I KNOW I CRIED. THEN THEY CAME TOWARD ME. I'M SORRY, I HAVE TO STOP..TO MUCH PAIN, TO MUCH PAIN. I'M SORRY.....MAYBE ANOTHER TIME....IM SORRY..SHOULD I PRINT THIS???? WELL, OK
 
That makes me want to cry. I completly understand. It is awful. You did not need that to happen. Just like the rest of us did not need it. This is a safe place to let your feelings out and get support from other survivors.

It took courage to type that out "go fly a kite" :eek:
 
It was hard to read what you wrote. I was abused by my older brother when I was about thirteen and my family still will not talk about what happened. They protect my bother by just saying I should get over it! Know that you are not alone and that it is hard work but life does get better.
My motto is:
A LIFE WELL LIVED IS THE BEST REVENGE!
 
TO: MICHAEL JOSEPH AND MZANGHE.....THANKS FOR CARING SO MUCH TO ANSWER MY FIRST POSTING! THERE IS ALOT MORE TO THAT STORY THAN I COULD EVER TALK ABOUT HERE. JUST KNOWING THAT THERE IS SUPPORT HERE MAKES IT A LITTLE EASIER TO COPE. I SAY THIS WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, NO ONE HERE WHERE I LIVE KNOWS ABOUT MY PAST, NOT EVEN MY WIFE OF 32 YEARS! SHE JUST WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND. PLEASE DON'T RESPOND TO MY E-MAIL ADDRESS... I DON'T WANT HER TO SEE ANYTHING IN PRINT. I CAN'T TELL HER OR MY FAMILY....IT'S , TO CRUSHING EVEN FOR ME TO THINK ABOUT, LET ALONE LIVE IN HATE AND DISGUST WITH MYSELF. SO PLEASE, DON'T E=MAIL ME AT HOME, JUST LEAVE A MESSAGE HERE AND I'LL FIND IT! THANKS YOU TWO!!!!!!!!! I'M SORRY THAT I HAVE TO HIDE........BUT I HAVE TO...LIVING A LIFE LIKE THIS IS DEGRADING, DISGUSTING AND ABNORMAL. JUST TO SEE A GUY THAT IS GOOD LOOKING TAKES ME BACK THERE, TO THE WOODS. I HAD A DOCTOR FRIEND THAT I CONFIDED IN LAST YEAR AND HE WAS SO UNDERSTANDING THAT I CRIED FOR 3 DAYS AFTER I TOLD HIM SOME OF MY FEELINGS AND HAPPENINGS. THEN I SAW HIM AT THE MALL IN JANUARY AND WE HAD A DRINK TO CELABRATE CHRISTMAS, HE ASKED ME TO COME TO HIS OFFICE AT THE END OF THE NEXT DAY SO WE COULD TALK MORE ABOUT THINGS FROM MY PAST. THE NEXT DAY I ARRIVED AT HIS OFFICE AT 5PM AND I WAS HIS LAST PATIENT. WE TALKED FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF THEN HE LEFT THE ROOM TO GET ME A SHOT TO RELAX ME. AFTER A HALF HOUR MORE WENT BY, I COULDN'T BELIEVE THAT HE TOLD ME THAT THE BEST THING I COULD DO FOR MYSELF WAS TO TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES AND LAY DOWN ON THIS COLD METAL TABLE AND LET HIM WORK ON ME SO HE COULD UNDERSTAND MY PAIN! HE PROCEEDED TO FONDLE ME AND INSERT HIS FINGERS INTO ME AND I COULD NOT MOVE. OF COURSE I GOT HARD AND HE TOLD ME NOT TO BE AFRAID, I SAID I COUN'T DO THIS ....I SORRY
 
goflyakite,

I really don't know what to say (I've sat here for a while trying and nothing has worked :) ), other than I think you are in a place of support. Nothing you did is wrong. Don't forget that. And I hope you find a counselor who you can trust.

Take care,

Bill
 
Well guy I can feel your pain.. I can feel it because it happen to me when I was eight years old by a man in a bathroom at a ball-park. For 30 years I have told only a few people. I still have nightmares of this thing that he did to me.. I have used drugs and alcohol to kill my pain but when they wear off the pain is worse... I have tired to kill myself but pretty bad when You wake up the next day, and feel God does not want me also.. I have never told my parents until about a month ago, and we cryed and they understood but very angry with me why I did not say anything. But I could not make them feel like they where bad parents.. I need some help to get over this terrible thing that man has done to me.. I will not even go to a public restroom.. I will not leave my house just to go to work. I need to some help trying to find some help..But only I can take the first step to lead my-self to a life without pain..
 
HI GUYS.....I'M SORRY THAT I CRACKED WHILE WRITING....BUT MY EYES GOT FULL OF WATER AND I COULDN'T SEE ANYMORE. DO YOU EVER WISH THAT YOU WERE NEVER BORN? DO YOU EVER WISH YOU COULD BE SOMEONE ELSE? HOW CAN I TRUST ANOTHER DOCTOR OR CONSULOR WITHOUT DISTRUST OR AFRAID TO SAY....ANYTHING? I SHAKE AND MY HANDS GET COLD AND SWEATY JUST TO THINK THAT I WILL TO START FROM SCRATCH WITH ANOTHER DOCTOR AND RE-LIVE.....ALL THAT HAS BEEN DONE TO ME...I CAN HANDLE THIS! I WILL HANDLE THIS...! ALL WHO READ THESE THINGS CAN RELATE IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER! TAKE IT FROM ME...YOU CAN SURVIVE...YOU CAN MAKE IT!!! WE...WILL MAKE IT!!!MY HOPES FOR ALL...
 
OH HELL..I THINK I'M DRUNK WITH ALL OF THE THREADS I'VE BEEN READING HERE TODAY. WE ARE ALL IN NEED OF A "GOOD" SHRINK,THERIPIST OS COUNSELOR. I AM AFRAID TO GO AND LOOK FOR A "NORMAL AND HEALTHY" ONE. WHAT IS NORMAL ANYWAY BUT SOMETHING THE MASSES SAY IS MOST POPULAR AND THE MEDIA TRIES TO ENGULF US IN THIER OWN ABNORMAL REFERENCE OF THE MEANING OF NORMAL.......RAMBLING....SORRY. I JUST HEAR ALL OF US WITH OUR OWN PROBLEMS AND WONDER IF THERE IS RELIEF FOR US, BEING SURVIVORS. IS THIS TOO HEAVY??? I'M SORRY, I'LL SHUT THE **** UP AND GO SIT IN MY DEEP DARK HOLE AND SULK FOR A WHILE.....AS MY FORMER SHRINK SAID "...DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL SHIT...GROW UP AND TRY TO ACT LIKE A MAN FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, AND STOP THAT INFERNNAL CRYING..." I DON'T LIKE HIM.....I THINK I'LL HAVE ANOTHER COCA COLA! THAT WILL FIX THEM ALL!

DEAR READERS AND FELLOW SUFFERERS... PLEASE DON'T BE DOWN ON YOURSELVES. WRITE IT HERE SO ALL OF US CAN HELP, ALL OF US. WE ARE ALL WE HAVE......DO THE BEST YOU CAN... :D
 
goflyakite,
My heart goes out to you! It physically hurts me to feel the hurt in your words. Keep coming back here and I will try to support you as best I can.
 
MZANGHE...THANKS FOR THE CARING..I JUST TYPED OUT A LONG STORY FOR YOU AND I WAS DISSCONNECTED AND LOST IT ALL..ICAN'T GO THRU THAT AGAIN....SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS SOMEONE ELSE, ONE WITH NO PROBLEMS AT ALL....SCOT
 
goflyakite ; GET MAD, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT.
FEEL ALL OF YOUR EMOTIONS, I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT IT IS OK BY MORE THAN ONE OTHER PERSON.
mANY WOULD LEAD MEN TO BELIEVE WE SHOULD NOT EXPRESS FEELINGS. LEAVE ME A MEASSAGE ANY TIME.
 
DEAR M.J.....THANKS FOR THE NOTE OF CONCERN. I AM MAD...MAD AT MYSELF FOR LETTING THINGS HAPPEN, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS! I SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO LET MYSELF GO AND DO SOMETHING STUPID...BUT SOMETIMES I JUST CAN'T HELP IT. THE LAST SHRINK I HAD WAS A FRIEND FROM SCHOOL LONG AGO, AND HE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME WHILE I WAS TALKING TO HIM AT HIS OFFICE. I FELT SO CHEAP AND JUST FROZE WHEN HE SAID I SHOULD LAY DOWN AND CLOSE MY EYES. WELL, I DID AND THINGS HAPPENED. I TRIED TO TELL HIM THAT I SHOULDN'T DO THIS BUT HE SAID IT WAS GOOD THERAPY FOR ME TO RELAX AND JUST BE MYSELF AND LET A FRIEND HELP. WHY DID I THINK THAT WOULD HELP??? I'M STILL TO VULNERABLE. I'M STILL A JERK WITH A HARD ON AND OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW MY ASS FROM A HOLE IN THE GROUND!MAYBE I SHOULDN'T WRITE THIS STUFF HERE, FOR ALL TO SEE. IT ONLY BRINGS OTHERS DOWN! I'M SORRY FOR THE THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO ME, I'M DOOMED............... WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO............I AM GOING TO SEE ANOTHER SHRINK NEXT WEEK.....MAYBE THIS ONE MIGHT BE WILLING TO HELP ME INSTEAD OF HIMSELF!?!?!?
 
hey go,

it was not your fault, you could not say no, you were a little kid, you were sposed to be protected from crap like that, none of it was your fault.

when i am bummed i think that my life is irreperably broken and the best i can hope for is not to pass it on to others, when i am feeling ok i realize that i have done a ot of good and that i am a good person and that life is ok, i believe your a good guy and when you were a kid you got manipulated into doing stuff you did not want to do and you were not able to stop it, nothing more.

Go easy on yourself a little bit, you did not have the same brain then that you have now, you did not have the same ability to think things through then that you have now, you were just a little kid.

its gonna get better, keep talking,

John
 
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