I'm losing this one

I'm losing this one
T

Trish4850

I originally posted this in Tracy's tough love thread but I don't want it to get lost. I'm so desperate at this point to find a way to deal with this particular issue:

I'm having a tough time with this issue today. My b/f and I don't fight. We may disagree at times, but we don't fight until we speak of the abuse he suffered.

He's still in that horrible place where he says that what happened to him wasn't really that bad; it happens to alot of kids; it's no big deal; he was bad kid so shit happened; if he were my kid, I couldn't have handled him either, blah, blah, blah and on and on with things that infuriate me.

He's sad when he tells me these things, but he refuses to let them go. I get irate. I tell him flat out that he's wrong, wrong, WRONG and that no child should suffer what he suffered. Then, he gets mad. This fight will not end until he changes what he believes; I'm right and he's wrong. There is no compromise, therefore, I feel like it's a lose - lose situation for me. As a woman who grew up in a loving family, the fact that he can even think these things blows my mind. That he continues to believe them is nothing short of horrifying to me.

Sorry, I'm having a bad day and this is just one of the issues that's stuck in my throat.
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My boyfriend is so calm as he tries to "explain life" to me. I try to stay calm and not get angry at him, but I do. I want to hit him over the head and scream. He sees my family; he sees the families of close friends and it's not like his life growing up. To him, seeing parents, including me, watch out for their kids, always trying to know where they are and who they're with, setting reasonable curfews, but not locking them out of the house if the curfew broken, etc., - he thinks that's weird and over protective. He says that by doing this the kids don't learn how to fight to protect themselves. When I tell him that no kid should HAVE to fight, he says I'm wrong.

I know his view of the world is very different than mine, but why won't he see that the way he grew up is NOT the way it should have been? :mad:

ROCK ON.........Trish
 
Trish,

I share your frustration. It's different for me somewhat but I think it has the same roots.

My wife and I are both survivors of CSA. I listen to her demean herself sometimes saying things similar to what you describe, and I just want to scream and hit her over the head hoping it will knock some sense into her. She's very supportive of me in very loving ways as I walk the recovery path, but she won't give herself the same breaks.

She does have a lot of understanding of the dysfunction in here family that continues even today. She just doesn't recognize the significance that her attitude toward herself is probably the biggest battle there is.

Frustrating :(

Lots of love,

John
 
Thanks John,

Your wife and my b/f have similar issues in that regard. He'll support me to the wall, but has the worst time accepting it for himself.

I know I shouldn't let it get to me the way it does, but I really can't help myself sometimes. I know he believes very strongly that no one ELSE should suffer what he suffered, but he won't accept that he's entitled to any slack, or, god forbid, sympathy.

I'm having a rough couple of days with so many issues, all surrounding my b/f, that I feel very upside down. Also, for as much as I love the Christmas holiday, it's sad for me because I miss my Mom; this is my 12th Christmas without her and the sadness just overtakes me sometimes. I'm trying really hard to just "be" and to enjoy myself with my b/f, family and friends. Most of the time, I'm successful, and then I get slammed by some little thing that really is a big thing that I just don't feel of capable of dealing with right now and my brain starts racing and the tears are just inches away from falling.

BTW, when I do talk about my Mom, I can get lost in the emotion, good and sad, and then I look at my b/f who is trying so hard to understand and I get really, really sad. His mother was the one who s/a him so he has no concept of what I feel. He tries like hell; he comforts me for my loss and says he wishes he knew her. I really do to. Then he would have had the opportunity to know something different, at least as an adult.

I'm in the midst of a great big pity party and I really don't like it very much.

ROCK ON..........Trish
 
Trish,

Just a brief comment on the "pity party" issue. That would be what is going on if you were constantly trumping everyone with your own sad issues and problems, and that isn't what you are doing here. You are expressing real emotions and feelings and trying to relate them to those of others and the genuine problems you face.

I really think we have to take our feelings seriously. They may not reflect the reality of the situation; that we come to see more clearly as we make progress in dealing with a problem. But our feelings absolutely and honesty reflect what the situation means to us at a given moment, and that is where we have to start isn't it?

"This is how I feel" has to come before and then lead to "Here is how we solve this problem". If that isn't the case, then somebody is being written off and disempowered.

Much love,
Larry
 
Tracy,

please be careful of walking on egg shells.

Abused males are typical of numbing out their real fears of abuse and how it affected them in earlier life.

They never have their fears validated, and for you to shout at him about what you think can be seen as a huge negative to him as he will have trust issues that could be massive.

Abuse can lead to total loss of self worth, and this is the hardest hurdle in my life so far, he is probably crying out for you, but he is hurt so bad.

You need to carefully take this relationship into boundaries that are so unfamiliar in past reltionships, because he will have mega trust issues.

A boy, or a man who has been abused has the added factor that he is a protector, but sadly it is taken away by abuse, this is what causes such a massive effect on abused males, as they have to be strong, they have to "perform".

If you love him so much, get to know him on a different level on what you would normally do in a relationship,
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ste
 
Ste,

Thanks for the feedback. I hear what you're saying loud and clear and most of the time, I am the soft spoken one who actually doesn't speak alot, I listen. But this one is tough for me.

As for the trust issues, I know they are huge and I'm willing to deal with them. He's told me he trusts me, more than anyone he's ever even attempted to trust. But that's on an intellectual level. He admits that it's almost unbelievable on an emotional one. As much as that hurts, I know it's not intentional and I'll wait it out.

Unfortunately, because of recent history between us, I have trust issues with him too. I'm working through that one on my own, but it's hard. I never had reason to doubt him then suddenly I did. Maybe, hopefully, I don't now, but once trust is broken, it's hard to regain. Oh, brother, look who I'm talking to, of course you know that. Anyway, I'll keep trying my best, that's all I've got.

ROCK ON.......Trish
 
Trish, sorry about calling you Tracey.

It is so difficult or can be on working with a relationship with a survivor of abuse.

Number one, is that survivors do not, or cannot explain hurt that was done in years when they may have formed friendships with the opposite sex, and felt so left out of their social circle, turning to lies and deceit to protect their shattered ego.

It can lead to a mask in how they deal with society, and how they are treated so badly even years after the abuse ended.

You have to deal with angry outbursts, but never have to find yourself hurt in the relationship.

If you love him so much, then you need so much perseverance with him, but I am sure it would be worth it.]

I for one, would think that if I found a woman who could at least share my hurt and be gentle and feminine with me, it would be my dream come true,

ste
 
Just to add, that the big man you see, is the lil boy who was abused, he knew no way out, and it cannot be addressed without support from professional help.

You are the greatest the women who take us on, and I wish I had a girlfriend who could listen.

But the stark fact is, to wait until he is ready to divulge his deepest profound fears, and they will emerge if he trusts you.

ste
 
OK, so after a good night's sleep, I feel a little better and understand a little more. Your posts, and Andrei who was PMing me have helped me see that at this point my b/f feels the need to keep his mask in place. I want the mask to drop, but he's not ready for it because when it does, he'll have to begin dealing with HIS hurt and HIS feelings instead of everyone elses.

The idea of dealing with himself is foreign and frightening. I won't yell at him over this anymore. We'll talk when he wants to and I'll keep my cool, because I'll see his needs for what they are.

I know that when the day comes that the mask begins to fall, it'll be even more difficult than it is now, but I really look forward to it.

Thank you all.

ROCK ON..........Trish
 
Trish

Thats hard that your BF doesn't think what happened to him was that bad. I'm not sure how I'd deal with that. I think it would make me really angry because it validates abuse. At least you know that he's in denial as a self protection mechanism.

Just a thought but is this one of those that is his issue to work through with a T. For him to admit how bad things really were is to open up to the feelings associated with that and he sounds as if he's not ready to do that.
Stick to your guns in telling him that in your opinion...etc etc..(ie; it was not right and that youre not overprotective etc..) but maybe you'll have to allow him to have his views and felings until he's ready to seee and feel things differently.

In hindsight my partners therapist worked on self esteem issues until she thought he was ready to start seeing and admiting how awful some aspects of his childhood were, appart from the CSA.

Thinking of you. You'll get there. I also agree with Larry that your feelings are totaly valid. It doesn't look like selfpity to me, rather an attempt to communicate honestly with some trusted people here and also with yourself.

Thats hard also to not have your mum around. It sounds like you need someone to be there and strong for you.

Love

Tracy
 
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