I'm just the trash taken out to the curb

I'm just the trash taken out to the curb
R

reesersgrl

Registrant
I can't stop crying. All the love, support and understanding I've put into this relationship, and I'm tossed aside like garbage. Replaced by friends and co-abuse survivors. Forgotten, just like that. I hate those men who caused this!!!

I thought I was helping by getting him to talk about this. I didn't think his recovery would be at the expense of our relationship.Why is he saying he can't move forward with me-the one who's been there thru everything???
 
(((((HUGS)))))

I'm sorry you're feeling like trash! I do understand. After the tears and the anger and the awful pain ... when you have time to breathe ... consider looking at this a different way.

He's running from his shame. Not from you. I know this doesn't help when you've lost someone you love. But try not to internalize the pain by feeling that his actions are a reflection of how he feels about YOU. They aren't. They are a reflection of how he feels about himself. And unfortunately, only he can deal with that. Love is something that he has to run away from. It's not safe. It connects him with all the pain from the past and this pain is overwhelming.

I'm sorry. I've been through this. Bubble baths helped me. Friends did too. But the only real healer is time.

Love,
Emerald
 
Sounds so sad!!!

And, Emerald, you are so right!

But along with "time," I would also say that you will find that retrieving your own passions - for things that have nothing to do with "him" - will also help.
 
I can't even think about my passions or my friends or anything but this shitty, rotten empty feeling inside. I know I'm not supposed to take this personally, but how can I not? He promised me and our kids the world and then pulled the rug right out from underneath us. I'm having a hard time believing that he is hurting at this point. He is DOING all the hurtful things. How do you simply disregard someone that you say you loved and wanted to marry, as little as 3 weeks ago? I hope noone EVER treats his girls the way that he is treating me.
I know he is a survivor of a terrible thing. I feel for him there, but it doesn't give him the right to treat someone that cares about him with such malice or indifference.
I have been on these boards for months trying desperately to understand. In my mind,I do, in my heart, it hurts like HELLLLLL!!!
 
Hi reesergirl. I wish I knew what to say to you. It sounds like your world is looking pretty bleak right now. I hope you can stay strong for your girls. I've read several of your posts since joining ms a couple months ago and your situation is clearly heartbreaking. What I wasn't able to tell is whether he is the father to your girls? How long have you been with him, and how long had you been together when he started to deteriorate? You obviously love him a great deal but I worry about the impact his instability and violence toward himself could have on your girls. I know there could be some bloody and horrible scenes if he's cutting himself and that isn't acceptable to have around kids.

As hard as it may be to hear, I believe your first responsibility is to your daughters. You owe it to them not to fall apart over this man, or to have him in your lives if he's nothing but an example of self-destruction.

My words may sound harsh but deep down you have to know they're true. You must take care of yourself, make sure you get fresh air and a little exercise every day, plenty of sleep and food and seek all the support you can get. Your fiance sounds like the more you chase after him the more he's gonna run anyway, so as worried as you may be and as torturous as it may seem, things will get better over time. He's really the only one who can save him.
 
reesergirl,
You and I are in the same exact boat. My spouse pulled the rug out from underneath me and our girls. I internalized every awful, untrue thing he said and did to me until now. With the support of friends, family and better understanding from this site, I have grown a spine and started to stand up for myself and the girls. My children are innocent and I can not allow his behavior to effect them. I want him to be part of their life but he has told me he will not go by a visitation schedule because then I am controlling him. It is his responsibility to be a good father not for me to bend around him and try to make him one. Your kids come first. If they don't then they are victims.
 
a question for Val and reesegirl and I'm almost scared to ask. Are your bfs in therapy and behaving this way or were they in the past and quit ?

I feel for the both of you and with the added aspect of having your children. Please both be as gentle as possible with yourself , i know we feel like anything but strength and resilience at those times-

One of the things that hit me right away in one of those two books - i forget whether it was Abused Boys or Victims No Longer-(and maybe it was both)-- it said that - probably the only group more neglected than Men abused as boys, were their partners........
 
Yes, An, my EX fiance is in therapy, or at least I think he is. The therapists that he WAS seeing, once they caught onto him and suggested a new course of action, he dumped them too.
He's neglected his children, his family and me for the past year. His 17 year old daughter is so screwed up from everything that has been going on and he blames everyone and everything but himself. The only thing important to Bobby is Bobby. I guess that is where he needs to be right now, but it's too bad for the rest of us.
I've never felt this let down and overwhelmed with grief in my entire lifetime.
He's changed his name, his appearance, his persona. He's a completely different and unlikeable person, except to those he chooses to be nice to. Doesn't sound like improvement or moving in a forward direction to me.
My girls and my son are 21, 19 and 16. They're not little children, but it is still having a major impact on their lives. They love him, they hate what he's doing to me. He claims to be a protector of children, yet he is hurting mine and his and doesn't even see it.
 
I'm sorry if I seem like a continuous whiner. I'm just so distraught over this. I can't sleep or eat. I'm devastated and emotionally drained. One minute I had a family and a loving, attentive Fiance and the promise of a solid, happy future and the next it's gone, and I have no say, whatsoever. I'm just sad-very, very sad.
 
I just sent you a private message Reesergirl but had to say this one thing here. IMHO You are Not a Whiner! You have every right to feel and put those feelings here. If not here, than where?
let them out. we certainly know where repressed anguish leads one........Take care, An
 
I'm using an idea from the guys board that PEC posted- i thought with an adjustment maybe it'd be a tool for us partners too- he wrote:
hello men:
i was reading a post on birthdays and a member had a suggestion that sounded great. Adrian2 said that on a difficult day a person can do a number of things to help themself feel better. one of his suggestions was:

to write yourself a letter and say all the things you would want to hear from an imagined parent.
Click to expand...
I don't know I'm just playing around with this in my mind. i wonder how it would work if we wrote ourselves a letter with all the things in it that we would want to hear from our imagined recovered significant others (ex's or not, we KNOW they're significant!)
i'm gonna try it soon. it just feels like it'd be a good thing to me. may even mail it to him or may just keep it for myself. it may be a good closure for now activity since I want to take a vacation to ME as an antidote to the stress of my devotion to his needs has been these past 9 months. 9 months and a whole new baby me. Hope you're hanging in there Reesergirl- peace~~~~~~~~
 
i just had to respond to when you said fight for the relationship-(in the PM) it made me think of how countires say they're going to war to make peace- to me, it's not congruent (and more death and destruction than peace are the result).

the fight is really the one within them and it's so where we gotta leave it cause it's the only chance of them winning it within themelves. and then there's the fight within ourselves- years ago i stayed alive because of working through codependency through support groups, therapy , self help work etc, and I'm so thankful now for that work cause I sure am drawing on it as a resource in this relationship. What's so good is that what is healthy for them is what's healthy for us - I'm gonna move this to the board i think. cause I just hate saying that quietly. What's healthy for them is what's healthy for us!

..the darkest hour is just before the dawn...
 
My heart goes out to you.

You do sound very strong. Hurting terribly, but a very strong woman.

Best wishes
 
Wow, Reesergrl. I am so sorry that you are going through this. But I have to say, the plain bluntness of your words and the raw emotions of your post are just what I needed right now. Thank you for your honesty!!!!

I am sitting here alone, in tears. My husband left me last month. He couldn't deal with me and his healing at the same time. So I'm alone, still trying to support him and losing sympathy fast. My head gets it, my heart and my soul are in agony. We've been married for nearly four decades. I raised his children, cooked his meals, washed his clothes and supported him in every way. Always afraid of the rage I sensed but never really understood, I dealt with it and built a very happy family. Our children are strong, secure and successful because I worked really hard at it. And he leaves ME???

I have to say, I am sick to death of hearing about how he can't help it. How he's in pain. How I shouldn't personalize. It's really just because he loves me and doesn't know how to deal. He tells me that and every resource I have ever read tells me that. But I too feel like garbage tossed to the side of the road.
 
Please don't let the attack and rape of your husbands as children kill you spirit.

Not sure there is anything else to say.

It flips your world upside down to be sexually used as a child. In a way you are a throw away object to your abuser.

It is not fair. It isn't right...

But there is the other side of the pond. I am there. It is possible to have a normally happy marriage, love life, and relationship with your kids.

You all know ow men are programmed to think. The be macho, be strong, be the tough guy.

It is a total mind fuck to think and know that you were giving some pervert oral and anal as a child. It took every piece of my soul and made me vomit it out in self hate and disgust. The ultimate humiliation for a man. Mind boggling.

It took a while to grasp it was not my fault. A few kind and loving women helped me understand that, as well as reading and lurking here.

Recovery does not happen to our timetable.

Best wishes on helping the rebuilding your loved ones and relationships.
 
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Well said Fringe that is something we all need to try and remember it is not our fault at all.
 
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