I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that my Mother was my abuser..

I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that my Mother was my abuser..
L

LupinIII

Registrant
...incest...my mother...a parent..someone in this life who is actually responsible for someone elase...a parent is supposed to protect you..guide you..but my mother betrayed me and left me with an emotional/intellectual system that is so screwed up that it caused me to continuously punish myself.

I am having trouble dealing with this concept...my mother...all these years I cound deal with her being an alcoholic and a verbally abusive bitch...but when the final bit fell into play..when the incest was finally named..out of the shadows...it has really been a blow.

Tonight was bad...I shut down for two hours..I raged in the bedroom..I hyperventallated...I had massive panic...and at the heart of it all was the pain from this woman's betrayal. I am a broken human being who is trying to heal and get fixed, but the pain is so great...my own mother...
 
I hear your pain and devastation my brother. It is a pain that sucks our breath away so intensely that we feel we might never regain that breath and we might even die from the experience,... alone in the universe.

Fathers are perpetrators, not mothers. In our culture everything we are led to believe about mothers is that you can always count on safety, warmth and nurture. What an ungrateful son I must be to twist her love into something so nasty............NOT.

You have helped me retouch that pain in my soul and I am grateful to you for that blessing.

I spent so many years shutting off my emotions, and pretending to myself that I was untouched by my experience. This shutting down has caused me many problems in my life.

There was a line from an old song that I always resonated with that went something like this, He was a child that only a mother could love.... and Im not so sure about that either.

My mother too proved how unloveable I was.

My soul function in life was to be there for what she needed. Without her I was nothing.... invisible and unimportant. BLESS YOU AGAIN AND I'M SORRY FOR THAT PAIN IN YOUR SOUL THAT YOU HAVE BEEN LEFT TO LIVE WITH.

Be gentle with yourself.......
 
lupin,
i am so sorry your mother betrayed you. she should not have done that. as many say here, it is not yours or our fault. that does not help the hurt though, it will be there for a while and we have to deal with it.
my abuser was a "trusted' coach. while not my mother, my mother and working away father trusted him too. he and all perps take away our innocence and we have to deal with that.
a female friend at my church was abused by her mother, as was her sister. she suffered for years. she also suffered beatings too. she has had years of counseling and is recovering very well but still has triggers and p. attacks on occasion. she has done so well overall so maybe
you can get to that place or better. she will never forget but is happy with her kids, her job, and at peace with herself and her god. all i can say is that her mother and most mothers and fathers that do this, have real issues and are sick to do that to each of you. but the other perps are too- whoever they may be.
take care, thinking of you, guy
 
It really is about the deepest betrayal imaginable, that's true. Your pain is so understandable, and I can suggest little other than this... Would it maybe help if you simply 'disowned' your mother. It effectively means "you are not worthy to be counted as my mother. I owe you nothing, you are lower than low and I am through with you. You are no longer my mother."

But that is not all. it would help you a lot I feel to have a positive, happy friendship with someone else (say, a positive, kind aunt or friend of the family) who really cares about you. Someone you can kinda call 'mum' or 'aunty' and look up to as a caring person who better fills that maternal role. Doesn't matter if they are related.

I hope there is at least one older person in your life who you look up to and who helps you out; I long ago figured that one such person is all anyone needs. 2 Parents is ideal, but one lovign person to look up to is okay.

Take care
Captain
 
Thanks for the responses.

It has been almost a year since I stopped talking to my mother. Unfortunately I have no other family except my wife and kids. Adding to the misery is the fact that her family are a controlling manipulative bunch who have all but stopped talking to us because they can't have control.
 
Lupin, it sounds like your mother had a cluster of emotional ailments. In her confused mind she may have not even known it was you. But, even if she did, she was a woman out of control. The betrayal still hurts a great deal. But it might help lessen the hurt and anger to realize that she was a desperately ill person.

Take care of yourself.

Bob
 
I got this from a website:

Since most children seek approval from adults, they are vulnerable to abuse. Children are taught to respect authority, and are used to adults doing things they don't understand. The use of physical force is rarely necessary to draw a child into sexual activity. Offenders know this and take advantage of children in this way.

Usually, sexual abuse begins gradually and then increases over time. It is rarely a one-time incident; it often continues for years.

Children are often groomed for sexual assault. The grooming process includes building trust, bestowing favors, alienating others, demanding secrecy, and violating boundaries.

It is generally believed that one in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused before age 18.

What Are the Signs?

Because most children cannot or do not reveal sexual abuse, it is up to concerned adults to recognize the signs. None of these behaviors alone indicates abuse, however a combination of these over a period of time may strongly indicate that the child is being sexually abused.

The following is a list of several common signs of child sexual abuse:

physical complaints; "stomach" ache

fear or dislike of certain people or places

extreme changes in behavior

depression and withdrawal

sleep disturbances; nightmares

regression to infantile behaviors

age-inappropriate interest in sexual matters

excessive masturbation

frequent genital infections or irritation

difficulty with bowel movements, urinating, or swallowing

In older children you may see additional behaviors, such as:

self-mutilation

eating disorders

suicide attempts

discipline problems

running away

Sexually Transmitted Disease

promiscuity

pregnancy

sexually victimizing other children

The average age at which children are sexually abused is between 7 and 13.

Who Sexually Abuses Children?

Despite the stereotypes of a stranger in a trench coat hanging around the playground, the sex offender is most likely someone the child knows and trusts.

85% of the time, the child knows her/his abuser.

Sexual abusers are fathers, mothers, step-parents, grandparents, uncles, cousins, neighbors, babysitters, coaches, and spiritual leaders. Offenders may be heterosexual or homosexual (though statistics show that most are heterosexual); they may be married or single. The majority of offenders are not mentally ill.

some offenders are physically attracted to children, some were victims of abuse as children themselves, and some abuse children so they can feel the power and control they do not feel in relationships with adults. No matter what the reason for the abuse, it is a crime, and the effects on the victim can last a lifetime.

What Should I Do If a Child Discloses?

Keep Calm. It is important to remain calm. Children may interpret anger at the perpetrator as anger against them.

Believe the Child. In most cases, children do not lie about sexual abuse. Let the child know that you believe her/him. Reassure the child that the abuse was not her/his fault.

Listen to the Child. Let the child tell you what happened in her/his own words. Expect that the story may not be complete and that more details may come out as time goes by.

Seek Medical Attention. The child may be suffering internal injuries that are not noticeable. A medical exam can also provide valuable evidence.

What Shouldn't I Do?

Overwhelm the Child. Do not stand over or invade the child's personal space. This may make the child feel powerless. Do not pressure the child to talk if she or he is not ready. You are not trained to interview a child victim.

Make Promises. Don't make any promises that you are not sure you will be able to keep. Don't promise things like: you will never be hurt again or the offender will go to jail. The child has put all her/his trust in you-you don't want to break that trust.

Confront the Offender. Confronting the offender, especially in front of the child, may be harmful or even dangerous. Leave this to the proper authorities.

Why Don't Children Tell?

Just because a child does not disclose or initially denies sexual abuse does not mean it is not happening. Sexual abuse is a secret crime, one that usually has no witnesses. Shame, secrecy, and fear keep a child from disclosing the abuse. Victims of child sexual abuse are often unable to trust, which contributes to secrecy and non-disclosure. Often, children do not tell about sexual abuse because they:

are too young to recognize their victimization or put it into words.

were threatened or bribed by the abuser.

feel confused by fearing the abuse but liking the attention.

are afraid no one will believe them.

blame themselves or believe the abuse is punishment for being "bad."

feel guilty for consequences to the perpetrator.
 
lupin,
i feel for you and am with you.
mike in ny gave us a lot and i appreciate it. we should all take heed to it.
it is not our fault, they abused us, took us, manipulated us, and now we have to deal with it.
my abuser was indeed a coach. he did it, was sick about it, made me feel like i was his girlfriend, and i suppose i was for about 6 or 7 months.
my friend from church was a abused by her mother. she has been through many years of hell and only in the last three or so has she been better; albeit still not totally heled. she is helping me now on me and my anxiety, paic attacks, deprssion etc.
you are not alone as you know, we ae here for you. peace, guy
 
Lupin,

I can understand how difficult it is with a mother being abuser. There seem to be different kind of relationship from mother-child and father-child. It is horrible enough when anything happen with any family member. But it is like the bond with mother, it is suppose to be most sacred. And it is huge betrayal.

I am glad you already had cut off contact with your mother. You do not need further abuse and stress from her.

I wish you well on your continued journey.

Leosha
 
Lupin,
I was abused by my mother, too - you are not alone. She also was a drunk and after it stopped at about age 5, did not have boundaries and therefore continued with the emotional abuse of enmeshment.

It was very difficult for me to accept that it happened - and has taken some time to look at what it did to the important mother-child bond on which so much of my sense of self is based. It is still a struggle to for me to place the anger that I know is there squarely on her. I think I have feared the result of facing the full force of it.

Therapy is helping me get at the feelings in a safe way. I hope you can find a safe place for what I know is devistating loss and anger at this most fundamental betrayal.
 
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