Commercial Exploitation (trafficking, child porn industry) I'm having such a hard time with this.

I am very grateful for this prefix. It surprisingly combines everything I survived. I was from a very early age exploited, and since the possibilities of the Internet were already discovered, many films of me, and photos were shared.
Later on I was trafficked. I write about this here in vague terms, and a bit more open on the member side of things.

I have a question, one that is probably not easy to answer. The people helping me are doing their best to remove all material from the Internet. But parts keep resurfacing. Does any of you have experience with it, and how do you handle that personally? I am not asking for organisations. More how to deal with it emotionally It's a devastating thing for me. I'm not searching the net for it, don't want to. But the thought of little me still out there... It makes me sick.

I could ask this on the appropriate forum for it (didn't do that before), but I wish to try out this prefix in a few related posts.
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
...i would suggest, be still and see what comes of that. Practice it and see what truth you gain. Your answer will come to you when you are most ready to receive. Everything else is static.

Sometimes are emotions are like the surface of the lake. When the wind is blowing the surface looks all choppy. The water underneath is still solid and flowing.

lately the waters have been seriously choppy. It wasn't until my walk the other day did I start to think and feel like myself again.

I'm not sure what to say on the topic but I was focused on the emotional side, offering what little I know.

I'm sorry you have to go through this but you are strong.

Be well,
CT
 
I reflected a few moments on what you shared Darren and realized the more I thought about it, how painful this must be for you. My first thought was to say "that little boy is not you" and then looked at the photo to the left of this post and tears came up. I could never "abandon" that little boy under any circumstances and expect you feel the same way as you think about those realities. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Again I'm in awe of the fact we survived what happened to us as infants and boys... both physically and emotionally. Of course, it is the emotional wounds that bring us to Male Survivor and those are much more difficult to heal.

I guess we could say the most important thing you did for that boy whose photos and films are somewhere in cyberspace was to survive so you could tell all of us about that. Maybe if we tell the truth eyes will open and people will begin taking this seriously. I don't imagine it feels like it but on some level you're a warrior... on behalf of all the children whose lives and innocence was taken from them. I have the photo on the left next to a statue of the Buddha. I sit gazing at the statue and the photo during morning meditation. I will forever look at that little boy with love, ever mindful of the horrors he experienced. We can do that for them... for each other.
 

Toad

Registrant
More how to deal with it emotionally It's a devastating thing for me.
Hi Darren,

Sorry for all you have been through.
The thought that we are still being used out there somewhere is hard to take.

One thing I have told myself is that I would rather them use an old picture of me than to make a new one with some other boy.
It doesn't really help me much.

I was fortunate in that I was used before things went digital. So it was harder to copy and spread around. But I know it is probably out there somewhere. It is doubtful that they got rid of it. And it disturbs me if I think about it too much.

At the end of the day what I need to do to live and heal, is the same no matter if I am being reused or not. So I try to focus on what is directly around me and my day by day actions.

Sorry again for what you are dealing with

-Toad
 
At the end of the day what I need to do to live and heal, is the same no matter if I am being reused or not. So I try to focus on what is directly around me and my day by day actions.
You are absolutely right. It is hard though. So much shame in me. I always try not to think of it, but it keeps crawling in.
 
I am real sorry for you experience Darren. I don't have any advice on how to deal with it, just wanted you to know I am reading and thinking of you. This sounds to me to be something that causes a lot of pain for you ((((((Darren)))))))
 
I won't pretend I have any idea how this must impact you. Between the clear web and dark web its a daunting challenge to find all the images etc. Sorry for your pain.
 
I reflected a few moments on what you shared Darren and realized the more I thought about it, how painful this must be for you. My first thought was to say "that little boy is not you" and then looked at the photo to the left of this post and tears came up. I could never "abandon" that little boy under any circumstances and expect you feel the same way as you think about those realities.
Thanks @Visitor
Yes, that's exactly it. It feels that one split part of me has gone lost, can't escape.
And yes, we all survived, and work on healing. Some day I'll bring him home.

I am real sorry for you experience Darren. I don't have any advice on how to deal with it, just wanted you to know I am reading and thinking of you. This sounds to me to be something that causes a lot of pain for you ((((((Darren)))))))
Those hugs are so appreciated @Esterio
(((((Esterio)))))


...Sending all of you here warm thoughts. I have tissues if anyone needs to dry your eyes, like me...

If I could sing, I would sing this...

Somewhere over the rainbow
@CarbonTiger
That song is wonderful, thank you. And thank you for the tissues!


I won't pretend I have any idea how this must impact you. Between the clear web and dark web its a daunting challenge to find all the images etc. Sorry for your pain.
Yeah @randomnumber
it is, and I fully realize that. It's a sheer impossible task. Thank you :)
 
I struggle with the idea of photographic evidence of my trafficking abuse being circulated. NCMEC did a search and nothing has turned up.... yet. But the idea is haunting. It puts the concept of porn in a new light.
 
I struggle with the idea of photographic evidence of my trafficking abuse being circulated. NCMEC did a search and nothing has turned up.... yet. But the idea is haunting. It puts the concept of porn in a new light.
Yes, exactly. I am working hard on healing. On moving past it. But yes, it's haunting. Thank you.
 
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