im crazy. im making it up. it never really happened.

[lipsticklullabies]

i really am begining to wonder.

my moms so certian im just crazy.
she uses the fact that my older sister has paranoia and some other problems
she says that imfucked up
she cried today and told me that my doctor is going to call CPS and her teaching lisence is going to get taken away and when that happens its my fault

i kept asking her, why the hell would dr joni do that. is there some reason someone should call cps on YOU.

she wouldnt answer me.
idk
fuck i wanna leave so bad.

my fucking doctor did all these fucking tests on me that no one asked for so its going to cost 300 dollars and she had the nerve to tell me as i was leaving
dont worry about it
its just money
YEAH ITS JUST MONEY TO YOU YORUE A FUCKING DOCTOR
IM POOR. THANKS.
i CAN pay for it with my next paycheck,
but then thing is she probably wont let me pay for it, so she can hold it over my head.

and now that shes not speaking to me,
i have no ride to the valley to get to the dmv so i can get my license.
even if i could get there by bus, how will i ake the drive test without a car!?
so i cant get my license so i cant go downtown
so i cant get to that crisis center
so i cant get help
but it doesn't fucking matter
because i dont matter
im nothing special obviously
im only 17 so its not like ive dont anything great.
its not like i have a family thatll miss me
im so fucking done iwth this shit

im a good pretender
part of me wants to pretend it never happened
and then ill start to believe it didnt happen
and then ill feel okay.

i wish i knew what happy felt like.

 

[roadrunner]

Josh,

There are a lot of times in our recovery when it really does feel like everyone is against us and no one gives a shit. And yes, unfortunately we sometimes have - as in your case - good reasons to feel this way.

When a young guy like yourself discloses and asks for help, help is exactly what he should get. If adults - any adults - stand in the way of that he should simply seek other ways to move forward. You are not crazy or worthless or making it up, and you know that already.

Do you have any other safe adult you can talk to about this? It can be anyone: a doctor, nurse, teacher, friend's parent, religious advisor, coach. The way of the world is that adults make the rules and enforce them, but the good news is that if those close to you won't help you or if they try to run you down, you do have other options.

Also, try not to look at everything at once. No one can solve their problems by grabbing them all at one time. Try to deal with things in doses that seem doable.

Most of all, don't give up. A song I really liked when I was your age and feeling like I would never get past all this had this to say: "The darkest hour is just before dawn". Try to keep going, and if you want a reason here is the most important one: You ARE worth it bro. You will know happiness again, even if that seems impossible to believe right now.

Much love,
Larry

 

[ForeverFighting]

I'd love to believe that nothing happened to me. But then I'd be left with worse questions. If nothing happened, and my family was perfect like they pretended to be, why am I so messed up? The fiction is more difficult to explain than the reality!

I firmly believe that abuse does not happen in a vaccuum. It's an entire setup where we are devalued as humans, dismissed as being important, loaded up with guilt for even existing. And then the perp walks in and pretends to give us everything we're missing in life. But that, too, is a lie. So everything is a lie. And how are we supposed to feel happiness when everything is a lie?

The truth. You are a good, important person. Your emotions are important. The fact that you were abused should not be dismissed any more than a rape victim should be told to "get over it". There's a good book I bought called Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life . As the son of the Queen of Guilt, I highly recommend it.