Dear Michael,
You have a support system here. I am here to support you. So are the other Brothers on this board. We share your pain and guilt because we share common ground histories of having been sexually abused. I was continually stripped of clothing and fondled when I was 4-5 by a neighborhood man, then I was forced against my will to have sex on many occasions at 8-12 by an adolescent female cousin, again at 14 I was painfully raped by a stranger, a door-to-door salesman, who seduced me into a sexual situation. Thus, we are all Brothers here. And we support each other. Remember, Michael, you are NOT responsible for the abuse, regardless of whatever magical philosophy you may have of causing everything that goes wrong in the world. I believe that mode of thinking is also a by-product of the abuse perpetrated upon you. You did NOT ask the perpetrator to abuse you. He chose you because he was a coward and you were a vulnerable child. You could NOT control him or the situation. I know we like to think sometimes that we were in control, but it was impossible for you to control him. He was acting out his own awful abusive script. You did NOT write that script. You did NOT audition for that part. So with these thoughts in mind, honestly answer the question, "What part of my perpetrator's sexual abuse scenario could I have been responsible for? The honest, reasonable and logical answer to that question is "NONE!" People want to run away and hide when they feel guilty. Sometimes it's because they feel more guilty than afraid. You should never feel guilty for this because you had no responsibility in it. For Heaven's Sake, you were only 12. Even if you were physically mature at that age, you were not psychologically ready to become sexually active. Just because your body responded in a physical and sexual manner to oral and manual stimulation, that does not mean that you knowlingly and consentually participated in your sex abuser's fantasy or crime. That is why states have statutes which mandate that sex with anyone under a certain age of consent (usually 18) whether male or female, constitutes the crime of rape, because a minor is considered not to possess the capacity to consent. Michael, first stop beating yourself up. This serves no positive purpose. Blaming yourself neither alleviates the problem, nor does it pay for any supposed past sins. So what good is that? Next, acknowledge your true feelings, and even while acknowledging that you feel bad, just say to yourself, "I feel like ____, AND even while feeling like ____, I LOVE MYSELF." You may be amazed at the relief you will feel, when you can acknowledge the pain you feel and you can love yourself through that feeling of pain. Pretty soon, the pain stops hurting. I think sometimes that much of the psychological pain we feel is our own body's way of getting our attention so that we will focus on providing our own self-love, care and attention when we aren't getting enough of it from external sources. Regardless of what your religious or spiritual background is, it is NOT a sin against Heaven or Nature or Society to LOVE OURSELVES. Some of the greatest moral and spiritual teachers taught that before you could truly love and care about others, it is vitally important that we LOVE OURSELVES first! I consider that I do not know more than these great teachers and philosophers. Therefore, I would do well to heed their teachings. And, Michael. So should you, my Brother. Feel better, please. I will be needing your support very soon, I am sure. Sincerely, Jess.
