I'm back

I'm back
M

MM

Registrant
Im back from my vacations.

Not so much fun I didnt take any pills and I couldnt sleep at all, so Ive decided to take them again but it didnt work. Ill have to talk about it with my T. I couldnt get rid of the nightmares and flashbacks either and they got even worse; sometimes I thought I was going to lose it. So many stupid things trigger me really bad, and take me to the deepest depression ever; Id have to live in a bubble to have some chance.

Not a day goes by now that I dont remember what happened to me, I live every moment with a memory of what happened to me, it feels like Ill remember this for the rest of my life. Im so tired of dealing with all this crap, I dont care anymore, if I have to take 100 drugs, Ill just do it. Ill also ask my T about shock therapy, I read it provokes retrograde amnesia, so maybe itll work for me. I just want to sleep, and not have any memories of it so I can finally be able to have a normal life.

After Ive got that porn message, I spent the last days thinking whether I would come back to MS Board or not. Most of you are 100% nice to me and always helped me and I think I even made some friends here, but the truth is this is an open place, where anyone can read our posts, where anyone can write anything . Suddenly I realized what I was doing, coming here daily, talking so much about me and my gf, my feelings for her, exposing our life together, my fears, what I am able to do and what I am not. I know this place is anonymous, so it shouldnt matter what I write here or not, nobody knows me anyway; but it does for me. I never talked about my feelings and emotions before, and I felt I could do it here without any judgement. Im not so sure if Im doing the right thing, Im not sure of anything anymore.

I know most of my posts are too depressing, sorry for that. I write a lot of bullshit when I feel down, so dont worry about it. I still want to get better, I really do and I wont give it up.

Thanks.
 
Welcome back Mark,

Im sorry that you couldnt thoroughly enjoy your vacation.

Medication doesnt always kick in right away and they always dont work. I know that I tried 5 different sleeping pills to no avail.

I think you will find this post by godsrabbit helpful. godsrabbit\'s post "working on triggers..." , there's a lot of good information and a link in there.

There are a lot of good guys here. Please continue to post your fears, questions, observations and comments. This is a part of the healing.

Dont seclude yourself into a bubble. As you heal, you will learn to identify the triggers and deal with the feelings in a helpful manner. This is not an overnight journey, and we are here for you.

Take care,

Bill
 
Welcome back Mark.

People do have to register in order to be able to post here. When you received that sick message, and let us know about it, we got rid of the guy.

If anyone gets pm from someone who ofends them, you can block them from ever getting to your pm box again.

If someone is really way out of line and causing harm, we shut them down, either for a time or permanently. We have ways of knowing, eventually, if they come back under a different name.

I have bared my soul here several times. Sometimes I was condemned for that: actually, I only think once, and that eventually became just a misunderstnading and we are fine with each other today. But almost all of the times I have needed to be open and honest, I was helped and supported by the men here. It is important that we have a safe place to post and make replies.

If someone posts something that you feel is harmful you can click on that little whistle at the post's lower level. When you do that, every Administrator and Moderator immediately gets an email telling us of the offending post.

We should feel safe here. But we all need to work to make sure it is safe. It is so much better to blow the whistle than get into a fire fight.

Personally, I think we take good care of each other. But each of us has to act like a moderator at times. That way, bad guys get caught fairly quickly.

I hope that this helps Mark. You have a good attitude about the meds. It may take more time than you want, but the nightmares and flashbacks lessen, the more we can talk about them. I have not had a flashback for a long time. I do have a nightmare every couple of months. But they don't have the power they used to have. Mark, it will get better.

We all care for and respect Eve. Both of you are great people. If you need some time away from us take it. But you will probably find that it is more help coming here than it is a problem. At least I hope so.

Sweet dreams and refreshing rest to you.

Bob
 
Welcome back MM,

I hope you do continue to come back here and post about your troubles and triumphs. It helps us all to share and be more open.

You can post in the members forums as well if you are a member--there is a small annual fee. It is less public and the fee helps to separate out the serious survivors from the curiosity seekers and occasional malicious intenders. Its a little more private.

Like Bob, I think there are lot more people here with good intents than bad. We all should make every effort to keep this board safe.

Take good care,

Aaron
 
Bill, thanks a lot for your link, it has a lot of information to me there. Working on my triggers is something I definetely have to do, very soon.

If you need some time away from us take it. But you will probably find that it is more help coming here than it is a problem. At least I hope so.
Click to expand...
I don't need time away from MS, I'll always be grateful to my gf for finding this site for me and for you for helping me so much. I've just had one bad experience, in some time I'll be fine.
 
Mark's right to remind us all that this is a public forum, anyone can surf in here and read what we write. So some caution is needed.

But don't forget that the Members forums are only accessible by those of us who pay to join MS. And as such the forums are much safer.
If you can't afford the full fee then drop a PM to a Mod' or Admin' and we'll see what can be done.

While on the subject of safety, sorry to hi-jack your post here Mark, please report anything that you believe to be wrong to a Mod or Admin straight away.
Please don't respond to any abusive PM's or whatever, but do keep them for us to view and deal with.
That way the offenders can ( and are ) dealt with quickly.
 
I can understand some what you write here. I had difficulty with female friend I make in chat room I go at, one designed for panic and anxiety. She has similar background of me, abuse issues. She is some 20 years older of me, and I emailed with her and talked at her in chat room and on messenger a lot, she seemed very nice, my mom's age. Then she start asking me for phone number, to call her or let her call me, telling me she love me and such. And I think, god, I share too much of myself, this is my fault that she get wrong idea of me. And so after what happens last weekend also, I just back off of everyone for this week, not talk on messenger, not go to chat room, just occasional email at people. I even back off of real life people this week. It is scary, to share of things, either here or in 'real world'. But I figure, here I can better make boundary for myself. Because people I meet online, I do not intend to meet in life. I come online because it is private, anonymous way to meet other people, and get feedback and help, without having to be face to face. I hope that you continue to find this place helpful, as I have met some very nice people here. I wish you well.

Leosha
 
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