I'm back again. Any familiar faces still out there?

I'm back again. Any familiar faces still out there?
B

Broken

Registrant
Sorry i havnt posted in a while, been dealing with a lot of new stuff.

Anybody else here feel like the more they change the worse things around them get? Now that my depressions lifting, im begining to feel what REAL pain is. My medication got upped, and its been helping.

My friend, who is dealing with problems of his own, is stalling on me, saying he wants to save up a ton of money before he moves, close to 3000. He has a lot of legitimate reasons, but i think he has a lot of legitimate fears too. I've decided i cant wait for him anymore, so im going to rent a room for a month and see if i can set a precedent for him. He'll have enough money by then, and if he decides to leave, good for him, if not, then tough shit for me, i guess. I bought a computer with him, so ill have to share it regardless.

I keep getting scared, because everything i know keeps getting flipped upsidedown. I'm pretty sure (for those of you who remember) that the black, resiny, smelly substance little plastic container i found in my houses medicine cabinet was herion, and I think my mom and her boyfriend are addicts. Worse, my moms boyfriend is supposed to do masonry, and works as a parttime handyman, but since all he does is sit around all day, im wondering if hes really a dealer.

Im also begining to recognize how dependant i am on my mom. She does everything for me, she handles every phone call i need to make, every piece of paperwork. And I see how sometimes she manipulates me into doing things i dont want to do.

Im noticing too that my mom might be abusing me sexually in a more subtle way than my brother did. She makes inappropriate comments, calls me by pet names, and sometimes touches me in ways that arent as direct, but make me feel really uncomfortable. I can only think about it, i cant really feel it, because i am still living with her and i need to get out.

I have enough money, but i am really scared trying to move out. I get nervous trying to call up people in the paper who have a room for rent, and really have no idea what to say or do, im just winging it and hoping ill figure it out. Im also scared that ill fuck up and start crying like i did last time, and not be able to pick up the phone again. I keep crying for no reason, and keep thinking all kinds of things that keep wearing me down. I know that the processes of my mind are protecting me, but i also know its hiding me from the truth. If your not in control of your mind, what the hell do you have? I keep thinking everything has an ulterior motive, that everybody is out to hurt me in some way. I know its not true, but i just cant let the thought go and it scares the shit out of me. I'm scared that i live in a world without hope, where everything is just a cruel nightmare designed to torment me. I'm trying to leave, and im trying to change, and im trying to learn to love myself, but sometimes thats all it feels like, trying.

Peace and Love to everbody man. The two most important things in life are not to give up, and not to stop feeling. The first is easy, the second one is what gets me. Later.

PS urso, if your still around, post back if you get the chance.
 
Hey B,

It's Jeremy. I've started poking my head in here a little more often now. Things are working out really well with my girlfriend, so I've been too busy to be in the forums, but she's also encouraging me to see a therapist other than my once-a-month (free) Kaiser appt.

So as I do more work, I know that I'll want to spend more time in here.

I'm sorry that things are hard for you, B, but I'm glad that you aren't giving up. That's great that you're making the moves to take care of yourself. I have a feeling that you will surprise yourself as you rise to the occassion of being on your own. Best of luck to you!

And Urso, if you're there, I'd like to hear from you, too!

We're in this together.

Jeremy
 
Like you, I haven't posted in ages...I agree with Jeremy there--it's good that you know not to give up. Yes, it's tough though I must admit as well. So often things creep up and we end up in places that we never anticipated (sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse). I can sympathize with the inability to control your mind. I like to think and think things through but they don't always make sense in my head either. While I am only of 23 years and probably younger than many hear, I have come to learn how important it truly is to have faith despite our reasoning. So often, it is hard to figure out what the next step is for me, and I hesitate and essentially curl up in a ball not knowing what to do next with my life (much like your dilemma about moving out and the like). What I have come to realize, however, is that if you always do what you've always done when you've always done them, then you will always get what you always got. I know it is tough for us as people who have been abused to go out and try new things, but sometimes that is exactly what we need. I am not saying do anything hasty or even do anything different necessarily, but I am just asking you and us to no longer be afraid to change. I do not know you well enough to tell you what you need to change, but I think you do. You have survived this much of your life after all the crap that you have been through--listen to that voice inside, you'll know what to do and what changes you need to make. If life were a chess game, we would not hesitate to try new things and make new moves because we know that if we have always lost the game before, we need to try something new or else we will never truly win. Having said that, I will say congratulations to you and all of us here...we don't lead easy lives and we make one mistake after the other so often, but like you said, we just can't give up.
 
There's no hiding the fact that you have to change something. This could be moving out on your own, or fighting for your own space where you are now. I suspect moving out may be easier.

If you do move you will need some support. Someone to tell you when you're doing well, someone to discuss things with (day to day stuff, not SA stuff) and someone to help you make decisions. I know all of us here will give our ideas if you ask for them but that is no substitute for someone who knows you well and genuinely cares for you. So, even if your friend is too scared or nervous or whatever to move out with you, why not get him to agree to be your support. And then when you have shown that it can be done, perhaps he will join you.

Good luck.

fenics
 
there has been some much change i nmy life that all i desire is consitency. i went to a reputable private school, struggled thru out and ended up an honor student in the end. then went to an excellent colege in NY (sarah lawrence college). proir to this life success, i had ups and down, so many i often question whether the eefort it took to achieve a single succes was ever gonna out weight the failures in life. i had a nervous breakdown and developted and psychosis half way thru college. now i find myslef in a residential psychiatric facility. ive been here for a year. and here there is no change, only that which is in myself, -and this is the best thingthat has happened to me. change frightens me, for it always seemed to have some negative conotation to it. but now the out looke is different. even my phobic fear of success has subsided.

im not a familiar face, tho i thought id introduce myself in a manner that relates to thee thread....
 
inferiornevada

I don't think it is true thatthere is no change in a residential facility - people change all the time, whether they want to or not because they are inevitably affected by all that happens to them including the smallest things. My guess is that it is good for you because most of the changes are very small and the effects will be in your own head where you can control them.

Abuse is partly about having control taken away from you (or never being allowed to develop it in the first place) and I think that is why so many of us have such a hard time letting others get close because they do things that we are not in control of and those things will affect us, even if it is preferring to watch Seinfeld over Friends. Take your time, be kind to yourself and establish control over your boundaries as fast or as slowly as is comfortable.

Take care

fenics
 
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