I'm angry!
Hello,
I'm unsure how to start this, and I imagine many of you have felt the same way. What should I say? How much detail is necessary? Am I the one to blame? I joined this forum last year when everything came rushing back, but I've held back until now.
I don't remember exactly how old I was when it began, but my brother is a few years older than me.
He would explain about touching myself and how I could become erect by doing so, little did I know he was just testing the water by doing this.
Over the years it moved on to talking about ejection, making me play with myself Infront of him and him helping me.
I remember feeling uncomfortable but felt this could be normal. He was my brother. I'm safe with him.
At 14, on holiday, we shared a room together, this is were he performed oral sex on me. It was horrific, disturbing, but I couldn't stop it from happening.
Nothing further happened after this. I had moved on with my life and had blanked it out.
Growing up I have suffered with generalised anxiety and depression, I have had a mentally abusive girlfriend for 7 years of my life and a bully manager for a year.
I started working for an ambulance service as an emergency call handler. I thoroughly enjoyed my time there, and my manager became one of my closest friends. I started to struggle with my mental health (MH) and my manager got me to speak with a councillor and that's when it happened. Nightmares, vivid nightmares of my brother and what he did to me. It was so realistic that it turns out it was just me replying memories.
I ended up having difficulties with drink and a male friend of mine started coming on to me, quite aggressively. Telling me he was going to kiss me and to cum in him. This is the first time that I've threatened violence against someone but if he tried anything I seriously could have hurt him and I'm not like that. After that incident I ended up telling my girlfriend at the time (Now my wife) and then my mum. I don't remember telling her, I don't know if I just blanked it out or I blacked out from drink.
I got the help I needed and my mum kept my secret for me, which I feel incredibly guilty about.
I'm now happily married, I'm a paramedic and I have a child. When my wife was just a couple of weeks from giving birth my child and I had moved on from the trauma my brother has given me. However one night he decided to drunkenly voice message me crying and apologising for abusing me. I had no idea how to react but it was also a relief that I hadn't made it up, that it was real, then I got angry, I had lived my trauma and I had moved on. He brought it all back. He then started talking about how he was a horrible person, a horrible dad and fiancée explaining to me that he had cheated on his fiancée with a man. He made me worry about his MH and felt like I had no option but to speak to my mum and we both agreed to speak to my dad. An incredibly difficult situation.
We all decided to not say anything but to see how the situation unfolds.
It turns out his fiancée knew about the cheating, there was no threat to his wellbeing and I had revealed all to my dad without any need to do it at all.
He brought it all back for me and made it worse! Instead of my mum seeing me as a victim and my brother as a predator now my dad does too! I'm so angry. I buried this, I moved on and he's taken that from me!
I have another brother, he is older but he doesn't know, I nearly told him once when I was drunk but he advised it wasn't the best time to talk about it as it was my stagg do. I never told him although he has asked. I don't want to mess things up for him and my brother.
I never liked saying I was a victim of sexual abuse, the fact that he used that terminology and said he abused me made it feel more real, it's made me sad and angry. I didn't need to tell my dad. I don't think he will ever look at me the same way again.
I'm unsure how to start this, and I imagine many of you have felt the same way. What should I say? How much detail is necessary? Am I the one to blame? I joined this forum last year when everything came rushing back, but I've held back until now.
I don't remember exactly how old I was when it began, but my brother is a few years older than me.
He would explain about touching myself and how I could become erect by doing so, little did I know he was just testing the water by doing this.
Over the years it moved on to talking about ejection, making me play with myself Infront of him and him helping me.
I remember feeling uncomfortable but felt this could be normal. He was my brother. I'm safe with him.
At 14, on holiday, we shared a room together, this is were he performed oral sex on me. It was horrific, disturbing, but I couldn't stop it from happening.
Nothing further happened after this. I had moved on with my life and had blanked it out.
Growing up I have suffered with generalised anxiety and depression, I have had a mentally abusive girlfriend for 7 years of my life and a bully manager for a year.
I started working for an ambulance service as an emergency call handler. I thoroughly enjoyed my time there, and my manager became one of my closest friends. I started to struggle with my mental health (MH) and my manager got me to speak with a councillor and that's when it happened. Nightmares, vivid nightmares of my brother and what he did to me. It was so realistic that it turns out it was just me replying memories.
I ended up having difficulties with drink and a male friend of mine started coming on to me, quite aggressively. Telling me he was going to kiss me and to cum in him. This is the first time that I've threatened violence against someone but if he tried anything I seriously could have hurt him and I'm not like that. After that incident I ended up telling my girlfriend at the time (Now my wife) and then my mum. I don't remember telling her, I don't know if I just blanked it out or I blacked out from drink.
I got the help I needed and my mum kept my secret for me, which I feel incredibly guilty about.
I'm now happily married, I'm a paramedic and I have a child. When my wife was just a couple of weeks from giving birth my child and I had moved on from the trauma my brother has given me. However one night he decided to drunkenly voice message me crying and apologising for abusing me. I had no idea how to react but it was also a relief that I hadn't made it up, that it was real, then I got angry, I had lived my trauma and I had moved on. He brought it all back. He then started talking about how he was a horrible person, a horrible dad and fiancée explaining to me that he had cheated on his fiancée with a man. He made me worry about his MH and felt like I had no option but to speak to my mum and we both agreed to speak to my dad. An incredibly difficult situation.
We all decided to not say anything but to see how the situation unfolds.
It turns out his fiancée knew about the cheating, there was no threat to his wellbeing and I had revealed all to my dad without any need to do it at all.
He brought it all back for me and made it worse! Instead of my mum seeing me as a victim and my brother as a predator now my dad does too! I'm so angry. I buried this, I moved on and he's taken that from me!
I have another brother, he is older but he doesn't know, I nearly told him once when I was drunk but he advised it wasn't the best time to talk about it as it was my stagg do. I never told him although he has asked. I don't want to mess things up for him and my brother.
I never liked saying I was a victim of sexual abuse, the fact that he used that terminology and said he abused me made it feel more real, it's made me sad and angry. I didn't need to tell my dad. I don't think he will ever look at me the same way again.