I'm always to blame (TRIGGERS!)

I'm always to blame (TRIGGERS!)
C

crisispoint

Registrant
No matter how far I come in recovery, no matter what I know in my head, in my heart, I'm always to blame.

When it started, I knew something was wrong and I could've just said no or told someone, but I didn't.

When it became weird and manipulative, even as a child, I could've done something or told somebody, but I didn't.

When it became violent, I should've exposed his lying, manipulative @$$ to the world, but I didn't.

When he tried to kill me, I should've just reported him, but I didn't. Indeed, I actively helped cover up the evidence.

Other victims are on my conscience because I didn't do a f**king thing.

Damn him. Damn me.

:(

Scot
 
Scot,

I see the COA has been working overtime. ;)

You are not to blame for any of it. That's the old tapes playing their Top Ten countdown.

Place the guilt where it really belongs: On Price, not you.

Peace and Penguins,

Marc
 
Scot,

I have taken a lot of blame. Lots of it put on me by others. Lots more of it put on me by me. Sometimes it's hard to know where the blame really lies.

Man, I started taking it up the @$$ when I was 9 years old. And I still think it was my fault, when I am having a bad day.

It doesn't help that I have never been right in any disagreement that I have ever had with anyone.

What I can't figure out is how it is possible for men like us to be so wrong all of the time. It's a load of cow pucky!

I know the guilt and the weight of the guilt. But I also know in my innocent heart that it is a burden I never should have been saddled with.

You didn't roll this stone down the hill. there is no good reason that you should have to push it back up.

Aden
 
Wow. I'm so sorry you're struggling with this today. I know how this negative thinking can creep up on a person.

If you were here with me, I'd give you a big hug, and then tell you flat out that you're wrong about this. You did what you could. You survived. Now instead of listening to the voices inside that are lying to you, please try listening to those of us here who tell the truth.
 
Twice in my life I told about abuse. I told my Father that my Grandmother was "really really mean to me" I asked hime to come to her house with me. I asked him three times, he finally yelled at me to stop aking him, he wasn't going. On another occasion I told my Mother that my Grandmother took me to a priest who said he wanted me to act like a girl. At first (on the ride home) she said when I get older I would forget it. The next time she went to take me back to my Grandmothers I resisted telling her again about the priest. I kicked and screamed but she got me to go back. That's when she just flat out said I was lying.

I still have a tremendous amount of guilt. In addition I also had parents who couldn't have cared less. How worthless am I? I told and they did nothing. I was put brought BACK to the molester. It was too inconvienent for my Mother to miss her dentist appointment and there was no where else for me to go. My own parents couldn't be bothered. I just wasn't worth it. I did tell and it only hurt more.
 
That is a big part of why we don't tell. You got what we all expect.

And we feel guilty! What a crock.

Aden
 
Scot,

He is to blame not you. I fought with this last summer, fought it hard. After my abuse ended with the first, I seen him with a car load of other young boys, did he do the same to them as me? I know now that the second abuser did, he has a long string of abused children left by him. My ex-wife was real poinent about pointing out that their abuse was my fault because I could have done something about it. Or could I.

I did fight back the first night with #1 and subsequent nights with his friends. That was a miserable failure and things got worse. Learned me to stop fighting back and to keep quiet.

With #2, the lessons of #1 were well engrained. But eventually I did fight back. Hell, I had to be strong enough now to fight, it was my 15th birthday. Another miserable failure resulting in permenant physical injury.

You did what you had to survive. You did right. It was him that did wrong. It is he that it to blame for what he did to you and any that followed. NOT YOU.

Take care,
Bill
 
It was not the fault of any of us here - I think that we know that. Let's be honest if I stood in the High Street today and carried out a survey of passers by with a series of questions, such as:

1/ If an adult man moderately (whatever the hell that is) or seriously sexually abused a young boy in the age range of birth to the age of consent - who would you blame, the boy or the man? Answer - I presume 100% would blame the adult man (unless there was a pervs convention in town that day).
2/ If an adult man said that the child was asking for it, would you believe the adult man? Answer - same again I think.

There will be some people that will defend the perpetrators - that makes them perpetrators too.

Some of us have been very lucky/unlucky when we have told. I have been very fortunate and can only base my experiences on that. It pisses me off that others here do not find that support around them. I am just so glad that everyone finds support here.

I spotted my perve again last Saturday & what a sad bastard he looked...he must be in his 60's now, was carrying bags of shopping in the rain & his head was down. I was in my car & just thought you sad ***t.

Sorry if I've wandered a bit here...Scot - it wasn't you to blame...peace to you and everyone here...Rik
 
This reminds me of something my therapist has been talking about for awhile, called the "locust of control shift." I'll do my best to explain it here:

What was the worst part of being abused? The helplessness, the loss of control esentially. So our minds work overtime trying to compansate for that loss of control and for that helplessness, and what it comes up with is "I know... if I make it my fault then I wasn't totally helpless, I still had some control, so it must have been my fault." Of course all this does is create us problems in the long term, but in the short term it makes us feel not so helpless, even though we were.

It was not your fault, you were scared, you were manipulated, you were used, and none of it is your fault, no matter what your brain may say, you are not at fault at all. You were the innocent victim, you did nothing to deserve what happened, did you cover it up? Some people may say yes, but I say NO, you were used and scared into keeping quiet, you weren't quiet because of yourself, you were quiet because of him.

It was never your fault, and it was not your fault if he did these things to anyone else, he is at fault, all the blame lies with him, not you.

Peace,
scott
 
Like one therapist told me one time when I was saying similar things to what you just stated "when are you going to stop beating up on yourself". At first, I wasn't too appreciative of what she said, but she said what I needed to hear.

I often try to find a 3 year old or even a 5 year old boy and watch them for a minute. Than I ask myself, can that little boy stand up to people who beat him, abused him, ignored what he said? And the answer for me of course if HELL NO!

I'm not sure all what is in your story but when we look back through our adult eyes, we often see a much different picture than what actually occured. If we could just put our "child's eyes" back on and take another look, it would probably be much different.

Don
 
Scot,

there are other victims on my conscience also. One who also come here. I think some that guilt will never go away. But, we need to know we done what we could at the time. We did not tell because then, we couldn't. We were not ready to. When I told earlier this year, when I made the report, I still wasn't ready to. And I am still struggling with how that make me feel. But we can only do what we can, WHEN we can. You are not to blame. Not at all.

Leosha
 
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