I'm (almost) Back

Photoman

Registrant
I haven’t posted anything for quite a while but have kept up reading all the posts on here. My wife was sick for about a year and I lost her May 7th. It’s been really tough, after 31 years together, the loss I have felt and the grief I’m going through is about all I can take. I lost my daughter a year and a half ago and now my wife. I feel SO alone now. The remaining 2 boys I have are busy with their lives and I can’t rely on them for much comfort. They know nothing about my CSA and I’m not sure if I will ever tell them. I guess I don’t want them to look back at their early years and over think ‘if’ I did something inappropriate, which I know I didn’t.

Reading your posts have kept my mind off a lot of this stuff and many times I wanted to chime in, but was afraid for some reason to do it. All I can do is muddle thru and take it day by day.

For the newbies in the last few months, welcome. I felt each and every ones pain, even cried at a few of their stories. But then again, crying is a normal thing for me now. But I hope to get back to connecting with you guys on here, you have helped me so much during my ‘facing’ what happened to me as a little boy. Just telling my story and getting it out really helped the most for me. My wife was the only one I ever told about what happened to me until I told it on here. She was supportive but didn’t like me bringing it up or talking much about it for some reason. She said it hurt her heart knowing someone did that to me and she didn’t want any details. Details were what I really needed to discuss so she wasn’t much help. I guess that’s why I unloaded and maybe put too many details in my story but it was the first time I had really ‘spilled’ my guts. Even then, there was stuff I remembered after writing the story. Maybe for another post later on.

I’d love to find a T but in the area I live in it’s out of the question because I live so far away from a fairly large town or city. Thank you for being here when I need you. I felt love and acceptance when I joined and don’t want to lose that. So guys, you’re all I got now.
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
There are no words for your loss. I'm truly sorry! I hope and pray that you are comforted in the days, weeks, months ahead. Would you be comfortable with a hug from a stranger? I feel that kind of pain too. I understand it well.

You are incredibly strong for even posting this. I've been away for a couple months as well. I needed a break as I had a life transition, moving across country.

I'm not sure what else to say because i'm really speechless. I know I had to say something.

Take care and be well (as well as you can be).
Much love & respect,

CT
 
So very sorry for the loss of your wife and daughter, I can't imagine how painful that has been for you. Please do accept the good that this site can give you and do for you. Take good care of yourself at this time.
 
Welcome back... even half back is good. I'm sorry about your wife's death. That would be incredibly painful, especially so since she knew about the sexual trauma you experienced as a boy when others in your family didn't know. So yes, you're grieving. I hope you'll re-engage with this website for support. As I recall we've had a couple of exchanges along the way. We might even have talked about photography, which has been an important hobby for me over the years. I'm not doing much shooting at the moment, but over the years when I wasn't able to honestly look at the trauma I experienced, it gave me an activity that inspired me and gave me pleasure.

Hope to see you on the board.
 
Welcome back Photoman

So sorry for you losses, Please accept my Sincere Condolences. Loss if hard to deal with I have a hard time with grief. Good to see you back.
 

DanielQ432

Registrant
I’d love to find a T but in the area I live in it’s out of the question because I live so far away from a fairly large town or city.

It’s really changed because of covid. If you have health insurance, check with your plan and see if they cover telehealth visits for therapy, many of them do now. If you are private-pay there are multiple online platforms where you can find a therapist. Medicare is covering it, at least for now.

Personally I thought doing it online last year was great, no trip to an office, wasted gas or time spent in a waiting room.
 

Dan99

Registrant
So sorry for your loss. I wish you speedy healing. Take good care.
 

Photoman

Registrant
Thank you all for your responses. No, there are no words for what I've been thru, I just have to deal day to day. Just like the triggers we all get from our abuses, now I have to add smells, sights, and memories of my wife to trigger me to start crying. I just need time to heal.
 
My heart breaks for your loss Photoman. I am so very sorry.
Are you aware of some of the podcasts that are available online? I’m trying to think of ways for you to get additional support for your situation, and there are therapists online who deal specifically with childhood trauma, abuse, CSA, etc. I listen and often hear the same advice my therapist is giving. Often the topic discussed can be exactly an issue I am dealing with, for example, shame. If some recommendations or sites would be helpful, or if you’d like to check some out, I would be happy to tell you the ones I have found. Also, meditations and talks on the app, Insight Timer, are excellent for some peaceful thoughts.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I’m glad you made the decision to share some of your grief.
 
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