I'm afraid....

I'm afraid....
T

thecoopstah

The last two days for me have been(to put it mildly)unbearable emotionally in that i am in a new relationship with a sweetheart of a lady.Anyway we have "played around"...but have not slept together and i hate to put into words but "i cannot cum"....i was abused as a child sexually by two different people and seeing that i am in recovery for alcoholism (over 4 yrs sober)and booze simply is not an option at all for me.I am afraid if i bring this up and tell her i will in fact "push her away"...things are/have been going really well until we are in the bedroom and i just cant seem to relax enough to enjoy it, she turns me on, i have told her this.I do however watch alot of porn and when i do i am very easily (always) able to get off.I am talking about this here in that maybe i will have the courage to tell her(and not sooner then later either)down the road.If this continues what am i supposed to do....its not something that comes up over coffee.I've not been with anyone at all since i have been sober and although i am in therapy and scared to tell my therapist(its 1 AM here in massachsuetts) who i just called her office and left her precisely on her voice mail what i'm now talking about here, do'nt know what to do,not the least of which unable to sleep as a result(s) of friggin wanting to enjoy "IT" but yet she turns me on,i always feel safe and most importantly I TRUST HER...i am scared to death in telling her of what might happen,i know i am projecting but i am also looking out for her feelings as well as my own.Does ANYONE have any advice/help/support because god knows i am to weak to tell the very person i trust but yet unable to allow her to know why i am having such a hard fuckin time as a possible reuslt of keeping my mouth shut therefore it's a secret and i thought i didnt have any....please help me ..........i dont know what i am going to do otherwise push her away so i dont hurt myself and by extesion her in the so called fuckin process.
 
Hello Coopstah,

If you trust her, then tell her. You don't have to unload everything in one go, just tell her the basic facts to begin with and assess her reaction over the next few weeks while she processes the situation through her emotions.

If she's the right person for you to be with, then she will listen and try to understand. She'll hurt for you at first, she'll be angry at your perps, she'll maybe feel sorry for you until she learns to stand beside you in your healing. Then she'll want to know more. Tell her only as much as YOU want to tell, in your own time.

You'll probably find that she'll then want to learn more about the whole CSA situation - that's why we're all here on f&f .... we all love survivors and want to know how best to deal with it, how best to help our partners. (Tell her about this site!)

If she can't accept your past as being part of who you are, then she's not the right person for you.

The best of luck
SB x
 
PS sexual 'success' will come through intimacy and trust. (Porn is an entirely different thing altogether.) I know it's frustrating, but don't rush it!
 
Hey Coopstah,
There is one issue that might also be a big one here? youv'e said that you hav'nt been with someone since before you got sober, 4 yrs. I am a recovering alcoholic myself, re-tread. when i had my first intimate encounter, actually the first many times, in my sobriety i was scared to death. i had always had alcohol to give me the liquid courage that i needed to engage sexually. Then add csa issues and youv'e got added fear. Soapy bubbles gives great advice, she is right. Maybe lay off the porn for a little while and see if that helps. just a thought. good luck and hope to see you around more often. you might want to add this post to the male forum, they might have better advice than us. light and luv, sis
 
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