i'm afraid

[shadowkid]

for the first time since my abuse ended i'm afraid really afraid.i'm afraid to talk i'm afraid to think ,afraid to write .i don't know if the next word or thought will bring out something i don't want to know .how could one life be so fuc--d up?all of this is too much too fast ,i need to heal but how can i ,which things do i try to heal? there is not enough room in my head for all of this ,even if i solved all the other problems ,i can never bring my brother back ,i can never forget what i did ,but i was able to forget it all for 13 years ,then all at once the memories are back .that just don't happen i can't tell what is real anymore are these my memeories or something that they planted in my head ,but i saw his grave ,i saw the picture ,i do remember . if i believe that then i have to believe my dad had reasons for hating me ,there were reasons why everything happened ,it wasn't just bad luck ,i broke my dads heart when i took away his son. can you blame hin for saying it should have been me ?

 

[Hauser]

Hi, again. I too have had my share of tragedy, and yes it was totally my fault, and even worse, if I didn't have selfish reasons, the circumstances leading up to it never would have happened.

I'll tell you the story if you want me to. It was a matter of ramdom chance, but it hurt someone else, and if I didn't have ulterior motives, nothing bad would have happened to him.

I hate thinking about it, but I'll share it with you if knowing that you're not alone regarding this matter, I will.

I'm not sure what your Dad has to say about you but I know that your brother has forgiven you. I know he has because of the noble spirit and content of the messages that you've conveyed to us so far. You're trying sooooo hard to be a good person and to do the right thing and make yourself better so that you can accomplish greater things besides simply "existing". Hmmm.....come to think of it, that's all I've done for the last 25 years or so.

I'm trying to get better to. I feel honored trying to venture down the same path as you.

 

[roadrunner]

Adam,

You are reacting to things just like any other guy your age would. There has been a LOT coming at you from every direction and very fast. It is astonishing that you have been able to cope as well as you have.

It is also natural that you have all the feelings you talk about, especially fear. When we start thinking about our past in a careful and useful way, a lot of things look different. Just a few days ago I raised with my T the question you are worrying about: if I got so many things wrong, how can I trust anything that I think? But it does get better bro.

I have to stress again that you are not responsible for your brother's death. A lot of kids would have reacted the same way you did to the opportunity to show you merit affection and praise, and the basic cause of the accident was neglect. The tractor should never have been left running when there was an active little boy around. It is cruel and brutally unfair that your father should blame you for something that was his fault.

Much love,
Larry