I'll twist off your ugly little nose!

I'll twist off your ugly little nose!
A

Aden

Registrant
When I caught my step-father beating my 3 month old sister (I was 8) he told me that if I told my mom he would "twist of my ugly little nose." I told her anyway. She told him that if he ever laid a hand on one of her kids again she would kill him. She meant it!

That same year my criminal step-brother was sent to live with us because his mother couldn't handle him anymore. They put us in the same bed room. Things went down hill from there.

The thing is, I was going to Catholic school and had never seen the ruff side of life. I wouldn't even look at my pee-pee even when I was taking a wiz. All I knew was that I had been led into sin and that I was going to go to hell.

I have been in hell ever since. No forgivness for me. I wouldn't go back to confession. Never took communion again. My "mortal sin" took my life from me. And I can't ever go back because I just don't believe any of it any more. I lost my faith.

I started having problem with infections in my throat. Constant caughing and choaking. And my butt is a wreck. It has been a pain in the ass for 40 years. I don't let anyone touch me. And I can't talk to God any more.

I was there and I allowed it all to happen. At 50, I know better. But the scars of the original sin seem to be permenant. As much as I want to forgive myself, I cannot even forgive the god who let this happen.

I want returned to me that which is rightfully mine. And since I can't have that, I want the opportunity to bitch about it.

Thanks guys!

Aden
 
Aden,

Venting is VERRRRY important. Yep, we can't have the abuse taken back, but we can get better from it. This is possible, and this is the choice to make.

As for your anger with God, I won't try to say that it's wrong or that it's unjustified, or that God doesn't have a part to play in the abuse. In many ways, He does, until we can see the whole of his plan. My own belief is that he doesn't have a hand in the monsters who hurt us. That was their decision to make, and they chose Evil over Good. But He also gave you the strength to survive, in addition to your own. We have limits, and looking back, I wonder how in the Hell did I make it through? Sure, my little mind did an excellent job compartmentalizing the crap, regressing it, giving me hidden alters to process the damage, but I should've died. If not literally form the two (at least what I can remember) murder attempts (told elsewhere, triggering!), but from the horror of the abuse itself.

How did an 11-12 year old boy handle that? Make it? Well, in addition to the strength that was already there, God gave me the strength. He didn't condemn me for what happened. I did a pretty good job of it because I was mentally f**ked over by an expert. Despite that, despite EVERYTHING, God made sure I saw it through.

That doesn't mean to say that I'm not p*ssed off at Him from time to time. Sure I am. Every relationship has moments when we're dwelling on past hurts. But who made me feel dirty? Who hurt me so badly? God, or my dickhead abusers?

Part of the problem, and it's one we fight with everyfrigginday, is the Big Lie that our abusers put into our heads. That we wanted the abuse, therefore it wasn't abuse, therefore, we're as guilty and dirty as they are. As adults, and with good old fashioned therapy and support, we KNOW this rationally for the garbage it actually is. We still FEEL it in our hearts, though, because in many ways, we're still the hurt little boys who believed this, either because we thought these people LOVED us or we were scared to Holy Hell of them. It's a pretty hard part to throw off, especially when it happened when we were willing to BELIEVE anything.

The thing is, Aden, it wasn;t your fault, and you're carrying NO mortal sin for what this person did to you. It was THEIR crime, THEIR sin, THEIR responsability, not yours, NEVER YOURS. Yes, you KNOW it, but I want you to take it to the next level and I want you to SEE yourself as the child you were, willing to believe anything, so you believed you were at fault. You couldn't do anything to stop it. How could you? This person had a hold over you, and told you some pretty monstrous lies to keep you there, as well as take the blame away from himself.

You are BLAMELESS, Aden, and God know it. He would NEVER hold YOU, the victim, the CHILD, to account for the crime of another.

Some day, when you're ready, IF you're ready, you should have a sit-down with God. Tell Him how angry you are at him. Tell Him how to blame you felt about it. Tell Him how hurt you were and ask Him WHY? And if you do this, LISTEN to your heart. Heck, you don't even have to do this with God. Talk to another person. Vent here. Tell your dog, cat, stuffed animal, an image in your head of your abuser, WHOEVER, all these things, and open yourself up for the response. I think you'll be surprised at what you FEEL, as well as what you THINK.

I'm sorry I went on so long, but I battled this for so long, I still do, and I want you to start letting go of the garbage they gave you. It's hard work, but it's worth it.

Peace and love, Aden,

Scot
 
Aden,

Feel free to vent all you want and you can keep your cute little nose.

Take care,
Bill
 
The chairman of the theater department at Purdue once told me that I had the most perfect nose he had ever seen. Then he gave me a wad of molding putty and told me to fix it.

Who knows?

Aden
 
aden

you certainly are welcome anytime to come here and vent, bitch, whine, whatever. i do it and feel like a victim and feel shitty and moan too.
i think we all do at times. we are entitled
to that i suppose.

i liked what scot said. we are not at fault. the sick perps messed us up and we are paying for it. our innocence was taken and we never were able to grow up and be the exact person we would have been.
now, what the hell do we do?

i think we just gotta hang the best we can. i have a t now. it helps some. i hid my shit for 31 years. just came with it about 4 months a go after another disastrous break up.

i also went to a regular doctor. got zoloft and clonzepan. helps some but still don't feel very good overall. at least parts of the days are o.k.. it was for a few weeks, all day being screwed up.

as for faith, i lost so much of mine too. i was a leader in my church, still tithe but i have lost so much and do not even go but about once a month now. why does god allow suffering? i'm told that we will be better from it or maybe we can help others one day from our experiences. i don't believe a lot of this shit but i have to deal with what i can and beleive that there is a plan fron god, we just don't know it. it certainly does not help much at times. so i can relate to you big time on that.

anyhow, i do know and believe wholeheartedly it was not our fault. we were young. they manipulated us. they preyed on us. we have to deal with it now, but they did it. i want you to think about that if you will. we could not have changed it when it occurred. it's just the deal and we were innocent-period.

take care, my brother. i hate to say it but i do think we need to be blessed if there is indeeed a god out there for us. there probably is to me. so, i will be thinking of this and you in my next talk with him.

guy
 
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