Ignored importance.
Anger, Rage, Trauma, Guilt, Aggression, Isolation, Despair, Depression, Revenge, Hate, Distrust. Strong, deep emotions- Some of the language of abuse.
All of which I have felt and struggled with. Where does it end? I am writing this paper because I want understanding, not only for myself but for an entire society. A society that has failed and continues to fail myself and everyone who has experienced abuse. Because of my experiences I have set out on a quest to learn everything I can about this complex issue and I continue to learn every day. Thankfully society is beginning to wake up and take a stand on trying to straighten this issue out. But unfortunately I believe society is continuing to ignore and ignorantly overlook a very vital aspect of this torturous cycle. To understand and explain what this aspect is we must look at the entire cycle. Where does it start? Why does it start? How does it start? And most importantly HOW DOES IT END? I believe society is ignoring other things about this issue but the most important thing we must stop ignoring lies in the last question. Before we get into that, lets break down the other elements of the cycle.
Where does it start?- Abuse can start anywhere. In your home, in a park, under a bridge, in a car, etc. But the important part of this question is that it always starts with the perpetrator!!! The child is never to blame for what a perpetrator DECIDES to do. Children are often blamed by their perpetrator or by themselves because they think they started the abuse. They believe that because they wanted it or because it felt good, that it was their fault. Please, I beg you, do not do this to yourself. You were a child wanting love, affection and attention, things we all deserve, need, and want. The perpetrator took advantage of that and used you for their own gratification. The perpetrator unfortunately used you to continue a part of his cycle. That part being one of the first things a perpetrator must have in order to offend- the desire to abuse. Children are ALWAYS completely innocent. They have a very important need in order to survive, grow and learn. And that is to be loved. Unfortunately many people take advantage of that and destroy the innocence in our youth. No, children are never to blame! They are innocent and deserve so much more than that.
Why does it start?- This is where I believe society is beginning to fail us because we have yet to really understand the question. How is it possible for a person to inflict this horrible pain onto such innocent children? We have come up with theories, beliefs, and ideas but I do not think we have found the true answer. Is it because these perpetrators are monsters? Is it because they have a mental defect? Is it because they just don't care about anyone other than themselves? Because of the complexities of this question I have to give society a break and realize there can be many different reasons. But I think we should really crack down on this question and figure it out or at least learn as much as possible to understand why it happens. Then maybe we can begin to break and stop the continuing cycle. I also understand that there have been many studies already on this question. But I think we are far away from figuring it out and with the knowledge that we have on this matter we should be further along than we are.
How does it start?- Cycles in perpetrators usually begin with many different things. Depression, isolation, abandonment, social pressures, etc. While experiencing these feelings of powerlessness and social isolation, cycles continue on into other things such as fantasy thoughts which takes them to a place of gaining not only power but also acceptance, love, and a sense of worth that they feel they lost. Cycles can also begin at very young ages because of experiences children go through. If a child is being sexually abused and is never taught that what he or she is going through is wrong then that cycle that started with the perpetrator can continue on. This does not happen all the time and is definitely not a destined thing that will happen. But unfortunately it can. This aspect brings up another way I believe society is failing us and that is by ignoring the fact that children do not get the help they need when these unprecedented acts happen to them. For more details about this see the last question below.
HOW DOES IT END?- As I begin to think about what I want to say about this subject I begin to shake uncontrollably. I feel an extreme amount of anger festering inside of me because to me, society has done nothing to insure that abuse comes to an end!!! I believe society is so caught up in revenge that it cannot see the light of what could be a better tomorrow. I have read many books on child abuse. I have gone to many different therapists and I have studied many different theories. And you would think that with the knowledge we have we would have learned from our mistakes. But too often I see and hear about children getting lost in the gigantic craters we have created in our system because they do not "experience or show signs of abuse." So because of this they are sent back to school or home or wherever they are to go and FORGOTTEN. What kind of crap is this? Just writing this makes me want to throw my computer out the window in a fit of rage. Can't we see and understand that children create and build walls in order to survive? Can't we understand that because of these traumatic experiences children have to find ways of coping? Therapists need to take a step back and learn how to handle these situations much better than they do if there is ever going to be a chance for us to heal. You can not expect for our society to get better by just shutting your eyes to reality and forgetting about things. When children go through these experiences they need more than ever to be held and flooded with love because when delicate crystals are shattered like that they need to be molded back into something whole and beautiful. For a reality check on this I recommend everyone to watch a movie called Joshua. If you do not believe in God just watch the part where the lady shatters the glass in the barn. I believe there are certain things that make this world have a certain balance and part of that balance is the innocence of children and when that innocence is destroyed or corrupted the world becomes un balanced. We need to mend that innocence before anything can return to "normal".
The other aspect that we must stop ignoring is the fact that just as much as victims need help so do the perpetrators. As it stands now the only action we are taking is showing them our vengeance. We take these people, lock them in a tiny cell leaving them isolated and alone. They stay there for 20 years or however long their sentence is then we let them out with what? Nothing at all! Except more anger, hurt and many ideas how not to get caught again. We need to realize that what got them there in the first place as I stated above was isolation. It has been stated by many psychologists and people that have studied child sex offenders that in isolation is where their cycles begin. One of the ways and probably most important ways for sex offenders to stop perpetrating is to stop their isolation. So with this knowledge, because of our unimportant desire for revenge the very first thing we do is isolate them. Where is the logic in this? Secondly what does this do for them? When and where do they get the help they need to understand and overcome their horrible addiction? This is an addiction you know, just like alcohol, or drugs. An addiction that can be maintained and controlled if someone would just take the time to understand them and help them. It's an addiction that does not need to continue. When will we take the stand and stop all this insanity. Through my struggles down my path to recovery from what my brother did to me I was told by my therapist and many books that I read to look at pictures of myself when I was younger and compare the size I was to the size of my brother at the time the abuse was happening, so I could see that what happened was not my fault. Also so I could see that he was much bigger than I was and that I could not stop him because of his size. While doing this not only did I find and see what they wanted me to see but I also had another realization. I realized that he himself was once innocent to. That he was a child just like me. That he had feelings just like me and that he is a person as well that deserves compassion and love. Is this easy for me to say? Hell no. I want to hate him. I want to do many things to him that I'm sure you all can relate to but is this what needs to happen? No. I should have gotten help at the time. I should have been listened to and not ignored. And he should have as well. We are so quick to cast these people away because of what they did to us. But the fact is what we hate is what they did! There are many things that make up who a person is and being a perpetrator is a part of who they are. It is NOT ALL they are. As I make this statement a very old quote from Shakespeare comes to mind. "If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? And if you wrong us do we not revenge? So I ask the question again, what does it do for them by locking them in a tiny cell for years on end and then releasing them back into society? Well I believe it does many things and none of them are very appealing. First, they are isolated which I explained already. They become more hateful. They stoop into a greater depression. They dwell in despair. ("If you wrong us shall we not revenge.") So after they have "Paid their dues" we let them out and then what happens? Surprise, surprise they re-offend. Or they continue to stay in their depression and do nothing at all- and I mean nothing. And sometimes, because of whatever reason, a few of them actually strive to do better and seek out the help they need to overcome the addiction.
I am not by any means suggesting that we do nothing. Just as the quote that I stated above applies to that situation, it applies even more to the victims.(Us.) ("If you wrong us shall we not revenge.") Punishment needs to take place but I believe the punishment should not be more harm, but instead help to become stronger people. One of the earliest memories I have of the things I was taught about wrong and right is that two wrongs do not make a right. Lets all take a stand together and find ways of improving this society to make things right and get our proper revenge. Our voices back that scream out to be heard that this will NOT occur any longer. That abuse will die and return to hell where it belongs. That is our healthiest revenge. The return of our voice and the embracement of our power. Lets all stand together and end this epidemic.
All of which I have felt and struggled with. Where does it end? I am writing this paper because I want understanding, not only for myself but for an entire society. A society that has failed and continues to fail myself and everyone who has experienced abuse. Because of my experiences I have set out on a quest to learn everything I can about this complex issue and I continue to learn every day. Thankfully society is beginning to wake up and take a stand on trying to straighten this issue out. But unfortunately I believe society is continuing to ignore and ignorantly overlook a very vital aspect of this torturous cycle. To understand and explain what this aspect is we must look at the entire cycle. Where does it start? Why does it start? How does it start? And most importantly HOW DOES IT END? I believe society is ignoring other things about this issue but the most important thing we must stop ignoring lies in the last question. Before we get into that, lets break down the other elements of the cycle.
Where does it start?- Abuse can start anywhere. In your home, in a park, under a bridge, in a car, etc. But the important part of this question is that it always starts with the perpetrator!!! The child is never to blame for what a perpetrator DECIDES to do. Children are often blamed by their perpetrator or by themselves because they think they started the abuse. They believe that because they wanted it or because it felt good, that it was their fault. Please, I beg you, do not do this to yourself. You were a child wanting love, affection and attention, things we all deserve, need, and want. The perpetrator took advantage of that and used you for their own gratification. The perpetrator unfortunately used you to continue a part of his cycle. That part being one of the first things a perpetrator must have in order to offend- the desire to abuse. Children are ALWAYS completely innocent. They have a very important need in order to survive, grow and learn. And that is to be loved. Unfortunately many people take advantage of that and destroy the innocence in our youth. No, children are never to blame! They are innocent and deserve so much more than that.
Why does it start?- This is where I believe society is beginning to fail us because we have yet to really understand the question. How is it possible for a person to inflict this horrible pain onto such innocent children? We have come up with theories, beliefs, and ideas but I do not think we have found the true answer. Is it because these perpetrators are monsters? Is it because they have a mental defect? Is it because they just don't care about anyone other than themselves? Because of the complexities of this question I have to give society a break and realize there can be many different reasons. But I think we should really crack down on this question and figure it out or at least learn as much as possible to understand why it happens. Then maybe we can begin to break and stop the continuing cycle. I also understand that there have been many studies already on this question. But I think we are far away from figuring it out and with the knowledge that we have on this matter we should be further along than we are.
How does it start?- Cycles in perpetrators usually begin with many different things. Depression, isolation, abandonment, social pressures, etc. While experiencing these feelings of powerlessness and social isolation, cycles continue on into other things such as fantasy thoughts which takes them to a place of gaining not only power but also acceptance, love, and a sense of worth that they feel they lost. Cycles can also begin at very young ages because of experiences children go through. If a child is being sexually abused and is never taught that what he or she is going through is wrong then that cycle that started with the perpetrator can continue on. This does not happen all the time and is definitely not a destined thing that will happen. But unfortunately it can. This aspect brings up another way I believe society is failing us and that is by ignoring the fact that children do not get the help they need when these unprecedented acts happen to them. For more details about this see the last question below.
HOW DOES IT END?- As I begin to think about what I want to say about this subject I begin to shake uncontrollably. I feel an extreme amount of anger festering inside of me because to me, society has done nothing to insure that abuse comes to an end!!! I believe society is so caught up in revenge that it cannot see the light of what could be a better tomorrow. I have read many books on child abuse. I have gone to many different therapists and I have studied many different theories. And you would think that with the knowledge we have we would have learned from our mistakes. But too often I see and hear about children getting lost in the gigantic craters we have created in our system because they do not "experience or show signs of abuse." So because of this they are sent back to school or home or wherever they are to go and FORGOTTEN. What kind of crap is this? Just writing this makes me want to throw my computer out the window in a fit of rage. Can't we see and understand that children create and build walls in order to survive? Can't we understand that because of these traumatic experiences children have to find ways of coping? Therapists need to take a step back and learn how to handle these situations much better than they do if there is ever going to be a chance for us to heal. You can not expect for our society to get better by just shutting your eyes to reality and forgetting about things. When children go through these experiences they need more than ever to be held and flooded with love because when delicate crystals are shattered like that they need to be molded back into something whole and beautiful. For a reality check on this I recommend everyone to watch a movie called Joshua. If you do not believe in God just watch the part where the lady shatters the glass in the barn. I believe there are certain things that make this world have a certain balance and part of that balance is the innocence of children and when that innocence is destroyed or corrupted the world becomes un balanced. We need to mend that innocence before anything can return to "normal".
The other aspect that we must stop ignoring is the fact that just as much as victims need help so do the perpetrators. As it stands now the only action we are taking is showing them our vengeance. We take these people, lock them in a tiny cell leaving them isolated and alone. They stay there for 20 years or however long their sentence is then we let them out with what? Nothing at all! Except more anger, hurt and many ideas how not to get caught again. We need to realize that what got them there in the first place as I stated above was isolation. It has been stated by many psychologists and people that have studied child sex offenders that in isolation is where their cycles begin. One of the ways and probably most important ways for sex offenders to stop perpetrating is to stop their isolation. So with this knowledge, because of our unimportant desire for revenge the very first thing we do is isolate them. Where is the logic in this? Secondly what does this do for them? When and where do they get the help they need to understand and overcome their horrible addiction? This is an addiction you know, just like alcohol, or drugs. An addiction that can be maintained and controlled if someone would just take the time to understand them and help them. It's an addiction that does not need to continue. When will we take the stand and stop all this insanity. Through my struggles down my path to recovery from what my brother did to me I was told by my therapist and many books that I read to look at pictures of myself when I was younger and compare the size I was to the size of my brother at the time the abuse was happening, so I could see that what happened was not my fault. Also so I could see that he was much bigger than I was and that I could not stop him because of his size. While doing this not only did I find and see what they wanted me to see but I also had another realization. I realized that he himself was once innocent to. That he was a child just like me. That he had feelings just like me and that he is a person as well that deserves compassion and love. Is this easy for me to say? Hell no. I want to hate him. I want to do many things to him that I'm sure you all can relate to but is this what needs to happen? No. I should have gotten help at the time. I should have been listened to and not ignored. And he should have as well. We are so quick to cast these people away because of what they did to us. But the fact is what we hate is what they did! There are many things that make up who a person is and being a perpetrator is a part of who they are. It is NOT ALL they are. As I make this statement a very old quote from Shakespeare comes to mind. "If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? And if you wrong us do we not revenge? So I ask the question again, what does it do for them by locking them in a tiny cell for years on end and then releasing them back into society? Well I believe it does many things and none of them are very appealing. First, they are isolated which I explained already. They become more hateful. They stoop into a greater depression. They dwell in despair. ("If you wrong us shall we not revenge.") So after they have "Paid their dues" we let them out and then what happens? Surprise, surprise they re-offend. Or they continue to stay in their depression and do nothing at all- and I mean nothing. And sometimes, because of whatever reason, a few of them actually strive to do better and seek out the help they need to overcome the addiction.
I am not by any means suggesting that we do nothing. Just as the quote that I stated above applies to that situation, it applies even more to the victims.(Us.) ("If you wrong us shall we not revenge.") Punishment needs to take place but I believe the punishment should not be more harm, but instead help to become stronger people. One of the earliest memories I have of the things I was taught about wrong and right is that two wrongs do not make a right. Lets all take a stand together and find ways of improving this society to make things right and get our proper revenge. Our voices back that scream out to be heard that this will NOT occur any longer. That abuse will die and return to hell where it belongs. That is our healthiest revenge. The return of our voice and the embracement of our power. Lets all stand together and end this epidemic.
