if youre raped...

if youre raped...
P

Peterrr

Registrant
soo.. i was talking to my friend about, how she wants to wait til marriage to have sex and im like, yeah. dont lose it to someone you dont like because, i did something stupid a with a friend so im like, wooh, great, good for you peter. dumbass. so yeah, but then we started talking more about it and i started wondering..
since iwas raped, did.. was that when ilost my virginity because, idk i feel like it was.. i had sex.. having sex= bye bye virginity..
:/ so im like, ugh thats not fair
and idk i.. idk :/ what do you guys think?
someone make me feel better about this...
 
The part I hated most about dating was the part when the conversation would turn to talking about previous partners, "the first time." With friends, it was easier to finagle my way out of the question because I could lie/make something more savory up or I could just steer clear of the conversation. But there was this pressure with dates to try and explain the first time, which wasn't the first time, but it was. There was especially a pressure to explain why I might not/probably would have trouble having sex.

Unfortunately, there's no easy answer to the first time question. I really have no idea when I lost my virginity and am always jealous when other people tell me about their first time. I don't have a first time, just memories, really complicated memories that don't fit into any of the definitions society has left me to choose from.

I think there's a point, Peterrr, at which it really doesn't matter what virginity is or what the first time was. We had our innocence taken away from us and every intimate interaction afterward was tainted. It's not fair, but it's true.

I believe it's important to think about the past and understand it in new ways, but I also think it's important to remember we are who we are now. We can't change the memories, but we can enjoy the present.

It's okay not to have an immediate answer to the question about when was the first time. For us, the work is to enjoy this time.
 
Ditto, Josh1!

I wanted to respond to you, Peterrr, but I couldn't answer your question any better than Josh1 just did. God only knows when I lost my virginity, if you define virginity as the first time you had sex.

However, I have a tough time equating rape as a loss of one's virginity. Semantics.
 
Knowing how perps operate, I would not consider any activity that you had sexually with a perp as loosing your virginity!

Does that help??

Best wishes ...Rik
 
god...peter, i know how you feel because i always thought that maybe i lost my virginity a long time ago...if you want to think of it that way. it's fucked up to think that maybe i lost my virginity when i was seven/eight/nine years old. i mean, that just IS NOT NORMAL. gives me the shivers to just think about it. i have trouble figuring out in my mind whether that was losing my virginity or not, though.
 
Peter and Kurt,

Last year I started a post on virginity in which I was addressing adult survivors who felt embarrassed because they were still virgins. There was a good discussion, and among us adults it was more or less assumed that the abuse as boys did not count.

But among the teens on the site back then this was no good answer at all! I got PMs saying wait a minute, what about us! Are we still virgins or what? We did this and we did that, etc. All of them, like you two, really hated the idea that abuse when they were younger meant, as you put it so well Peter, "Bye bye virginity". One in particular was especially devastated because the first time he ejaculated was with an abuser. His reaction, if I quote him correctly, was, "That's so fucking disgusting, I just want to cry every time I think about it." In my own case, I remember my father coming into my room and giving me "the talk" about sex. Problem was that I was already an expert and had done many times all the things he mentioned, plus more that he did NOT mention. I was horrified to hear him talk about sex as something shared with someone you like; I felt like I would choke when he spoke about exploring and learning about sex. When he left I felt like the cheapest whore in the world and I cried through half the night. I just wanted to die and I hated - again - the fact that I was me.

I don't know what a therapist would say to you guys - this is just what I think. Abuse isn't really about sex, although sex is what is done to the boy. If an abuser just wants sex there are plenty of easy ways to get it - he/she doesn't need to abuse a kid. Abuse is about power: the abuser gets off on the idea that his victim is defenseless and at his mercy, and I guess that makes them feel strong and good about themselves.

This may sound like a lot of grownup horseshit, so let me give you an example. Suppose I grab one of you guys off the street, threaten you, and force you to get into my fancy sports car and we drive off at 150 mph. Does that count as your "first ride in a cool fast sports car"? Of course not. It counts as kidnapping and nothing else!

I think it's the same with sex. I really can't see how it "counts" as sex when a confused and frightened boy is raped or otherwise abused. I myself look back at the time I feel I lost my virginity. I was 17, and the girl I was with had been my girlfriend for a year. We had almost "done it" before, when we were both 16, but my grandmother had told me that "fornicators go to hell", so I was scared (yep, I believed her!!!). That time with someone I liked was very special. I was very nervous and so was she, but it was really great. I still consider that this was the time I lost my virginity. I can with all honesty say that the hundred or more times I was abused between the ages of 11 and 14 simply were NOT the same thing as "real sex", if you see what I mean.

I hope this helps, but let me say this is a very important subject - for both of you. Keep asking if you aren't satisfied or still feel funny about this. You might also want to ask your mod buddy Scotty Todd, who is a therapist himself and talks to a lot of teen guys like you. Just remember that if you don't ask, you don't get answers or ideas and the problem or hurt just goes on and on.

Much love,
Larry
 
Guys,

My abuse was early, like 7 or 8 y/o., and lasted about 4 years or so. That wasn't losing my virginity. That wasn't even close. I lost my virginity to a sweet strawberry blonde in a pink sweater who turned out to be a rocket scientist genius. Nobody got forced into anything or manipulated. It was simply two souls connecting, and I will not forget it. BUT, I felt like the younger guys here in the past, and only realized later that it wasn't losing something or having something taken away. You have to give it willingly and lovingly. I hope this helps.
 
peterrr,
sex is a choice two people share and rejoice in. as was said already, in several ways, assault is about power, not choice of the victim. in some limited circles, it would be considered semantics, as flrich pointed out...however, for those few who think that virginity is a technicality completely miss out on the one fundamental fact of true sexuality being a choice between two who are able to make that choice to share something so very special. the predators of our lives took something that is a treasured gift between two people and made it into something ugly...but what was ugly was their actions, not the innocents who were harmed.

virginity is about choice, peterrr. it is a precious gift of the self, that first giving of self in a most intimate and complete way with someone so very special. you still have that to give, my brother.
 
part of giving an honest answer is understanding the question. i believe if a friend asks you if you are a virgin or when was your first time, they do not want to know if you were raped as a child. they are asking what your first consensual encounter was. so an honest answer would not include SA in the answer. then you can decide, with your most trusted relationships when and if to share. one man's opinion. kalimi
 
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