If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....

If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
K

Ken Singer LCSW

I've been asked to speak at an upcoming national conference on treatment of youth who sexually offend. This is a conference for therapists who work with this population and there will not be any non-professionals there.

I'm thinking about doing a presentation tentatively titled, "The Voices of Your Victims-- What Adult Survivors Have to Say to You Years After the Abuse".

My intention is to help sensitize these therapists about the immediate and long term consequences of the abuse by adolescents. This includes what their victims went through during and after the abuse, why they couldn't tell, whether they forgave prematurely, how they felt about the abuser in the years afterwards, how it has affected their lives, whether they made efforts to reach some kind of reconciliation, etc.

I'd also like to hear from partners and other family members, particularly from the parents of victims with some of the consequences they have had to deal with over the years.

The presentation may generate handouts for the therapists to take back to their clients for discussion in individual and group sessions.

I'm not looking for angry rants particularly, since I suspect that the adolescent offenders have gotten a lot of that from their parents, court/probation, etc., but I think helping them better understand the longer term consequences will be helpful for their treatment, so they never do this again.

I need to get the abstract submitted in a few weeks and your responses will give me some idea if this is a good topic to present to this conference.

Thanks for your help.

Ken
 
Ken,

Looks like a good thing your doing, good help to alot of people, my offender was a teenager at the time, do you want us to post our comments in here or by another means?

Regards.
--------
Dean.
 
Let's try posting here. If it gets too unwieldy, we can try something else. However, judging by the Jonathan King ongoing thing (8 pages?), we should be ok here.

If your abuser was a teenager, your comments can be helpful for this presentation.

Thanks.

Ken
 
I knew a boy at school who always fancied me, after abuse that is.
I tried to shake him off, but he harrassed me, so I suppose I tried to make some type of frienship with him.

He was openly gay, which made is so much harder, as the other kids would make me feel really embarrassed about being anywhere near him.

One time on a trip to Germany, there were three of us in the bedroom, the other two boys, one of which was this boy stripped naked, and did sex acts with each other, I was mortified, and threatened to tell the teachers.

I can only think it was this boy who stole all my money and trashed everything I had, on the trip.
He made my life a misery back at school, or so he thought, until I hit back.

He put one teachers pet fish in acid, and I got the blame, until I told my form master that I would never do anything to hurt an animal, even if I did not like the teacher, nor would I be reckless with acid.

The more I tried to distance myself from this boy, the worse it got, until I faced up to him.

I posted an article in news, about a boy who died after refusing advances from a fellow pupil, because he threatened to tell on him.

Kids can be so manipulative, no wonder they turn into seasoned perps when older,

ste
 
my older brother had his way with me..i guess he was a teenager...not sure what you are looking for..how my parents me his responsiblity...and he hated it..how scared i was of him..after the abuse..how my parents knew and did nothing..except yelling at me...how i wanted to be a girl...how he was dads favorite he could no wrong...how i didnt feel like i belonged..how i wished my parents were dead...how i became a sex object with other boys...how as a young adult i hated myself so much..and my body...no one would want me..as i wasnt a child anymore ...all of the depression ..self hate..no self esteme..moving around all of the time running from myself...all of the drugs and drinking...car wrecks... thoughts of scuide all -of the time..how life sucked...nothing meant anything...what a curse to be born.....no friends cant relate to people anger at work getting fired at jobs because i have issues with athority figures how i hate anyone telling me what to do...giving orders to me ...how rebellious i was how i can not have a relationship..my life is so selcluded...has to have certin limits not allowed to be happy ......wtf i could go on and on steve
 
I was five, he was 13. He was a friend of my older brothers'. His father died when he was a baby. It started out with just naked play, then sex play, then rape. It went on for about two years until we moved away. He was popular and well-liked in the church where my father was pastor. He was to be the shining star of his rather sad family. At first, I loved the attention from this older guy. Then it got insistent and angry and the sex got more violent. He told me to never tell anyone, but that this is what friends did with each other. He was a good manipulator even at 13. I tried to tell a teacher in 3rd grade what happened to me by drawing pictures and putting them on his desk. The class got a lecture about dirty pictures. I buried the whole thing from my conciousness for years. Drank in elementary school, lied, was sexually active as early as fourth grade.
When I was twenty five I realized I had been molested, but figured I was OK with it. Also realized this kid had probably been abused. Felt sorry for him. That was it, until a year ago when the memories wouldn't go away. I was acting out, it nearly ruined my marriage. After months of therapy, I have discovered that the abuse has ruined my life. I have lived in terror of men and boys my whole life. I removed myself from sports even though I was good at them, because I couldn't deal with the physical contact and agression. When I was a kid, I played with girls because they were safer. I believed that all boys would hurt each other the way I had been hurt. I have never been able to form intimate bonds with anyone, even my wife. I feel like I am living a shell of a life that is an empty facade of what a real person should be. I always assumed that if anyone was friendly with me, it was because they wanted something, probably sex. I compensated by trying to be perfect at everything. Good grades, good career, etc, but distant to everyone around me.
Too much to write here...it goes on forever.
Paul
 
I was eight when he was 13. I was a sheltered child, had no idea what sex was and was manipulated into it. I began to crawl into a shell of fantasy and isolation. This led to curiosity with my aunt although nothing ever happened. I was obsessed with being ready for ''combat'' I guess you could call it. Never participated much in activities unless forced to other than that I lived a double-life in order to fit in. I acted ''tough'' so I would stop getting picked on. About it for now.
 
I was 4 or 5 when he moved next door. He was around 14 and just moved here from another country. He was older then my brother and played with he and his friends but he would rape me secretly. No one knew. There was also oral rape. He was not nice about it and would knock the wind out of me afterward. I knew he could kill me if he wanted to. I quit talking. Went to speech therapy for two years but did not start to talk agian until he moved away when I was in 2nd grade. I was afraid if anyone found out what I was doing I would be in big trouble.
Earlier this year I found out he worked at a school district in the transportation dept. I tried to notify them but they said they wouldn't do anything about it without some kind of proof. Well, I couldn't prove anything. I did let someone in CPS know and then I wrote him the following letter.

R...,

We use to live in the same neighborhood and I've never forgotten you. I have not forgotten that you sexually abused me either. It has been a part of me all these years. Having experienced that at such a young age really has a way of fucking up ones life. It tends to work its way into every corner of my existence, into how I feel about myself and how I deal with so many of lifes challenges. It is always there, hanging around in my head.

I know you are married with a family of your own and work for the school district over in C..... I pray that I was the only one. Im not asking you for anything. Im giving you something. I think it is time that I hand this burden over to you. Ive been carrying it since I was a child. I am just tired of being the one that is haunted by and cant forget what happened so many years ago. I am tired of the shame. I want to remind you in case you forgot. I want it in your head, haunting you, shaming you. I want you to feel guilty for messing up the life of a dear little boy. You were old enough to know better. This is your burden, not mine.
 
Let me add something I left out in the original post.

If you could give the therapist of a teenage offender some advice to use with the teen abusers, what would you say? What questions should s/he ask the young person s/he is trying to help?

Thanks,
Ken
 
Firstly, it is no good asking them why they did it.
How do you think society can trust you?
What led you to do something so vile?
Do you realise really how profound your actions can have to an abused boy/girl?

This is harder than I could ever imagine, but we are talking about teens, and some of them become abusers at such an early age, it is next to impossible to trust anything you get from them,

ste
 
He was my cousin. I was 6 and he was 12 on the first time. He basically"explored me" It wasn't until I was 7 and he was 13 that he really abused me, sodomized me. He muffled my mouth and put me through the worst hell I would not even want to imagine. He continued the same pattern for years. I was the youngest, so he would include me when he had other plans. When he was done, he was done with me. I was the tag-along again and was picked on by all my cousins then. If a therapist was to ask him anything on my behalf, it would be," would you rather have your testicles deep fried before I shove them down your throat, or au gratin!!!
 
I was sexually abused at school by two girls the same age as me, from thirteen to fourteen years old.

I have aspergers syndrome and temporal lobe epilepsy, and as a result I tended to stand out among the other children and was a regular target for physical and verbal abuse.

This became sexual abuse when two girls thought it would be entertaining to pin me in a chair and start rubbing themselves against me and groping me every day for over 18 months, saying unspeakable things to me all the while.

This ultimately caused Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, isolation from other people, an extreme awareness of how Asperger's Syndrome (a form of autism, I'm an Aspie) makes me different from other people, and agoraphobia.

Having only recently begun therapy for this, and having spent six months sick off work due to the stress sending the epilepsy out of control, I am uncertain how my life will progress from here.

I am unable to walk down the street without being overcome with paranoia, although when I am able to talk to people I have been told by my psychotherapist that there is nothing to dislike about me.

Also having recently had problems with epilepsy (there are no medications other than sedatives that will stop the seizures, and the doctors will not presribe them unless it becomes life threatening) as well as flashbacks, agoraphobia and an acute awareness of my difference from other people (Aspergers), the whole situation, triggered by the initial flashbacks, has left me with nothing left of my life but to want to be alone to study in peace.

That is my passion. Reading and studying. I have a nearly photographic memory and an IQ of 154. There is nothing else in the world worth spending time on except for my parents, my sister and her fiance.

It is too easy to let yourself by consumed by anger, hate and a desire for vengeance, but that would make me as bad as so many other people. I just stay cold, keep studying and watch with cynical amusement as so many NT's (neurotypicals, Aspie slang for ordinary people) tear chunks out of each other.

Best wishes to everyone, and God bless you.
 
Hi Ken,

I believe my abusers were about 19-20 years old. They were in the army at the time they abused me. They also had fought in the Chechen war - as they informed me. I think they were damaged themselves by war and maybe raped while in service.

I would tell them: "You wanted to put your weakness on me, and you shared your pain with me. You blamed me! So blamed me for your faults and for your own victimization. Please know that I am a well-formed person now. You did not get caught then, but you will never be as free as I can be." ;) Funny thing, Ken - it helps to talk about it.

:)
Alexey
 
"What you could well have done, when you vitimized him, was ingrain in his thoughts a mindset of sexual confusion, shame, anger, and worthlessness that will take years for him to heal from, congradulations on fucking up this young mans life".
 
"It's only him experimenting"

"It's like playing doctor's and nurses"

"It's normal"

"I used to play I'll show you mine if you show me yours"

"It's part of growing up"

All said by my parents at different times in my life. It also feeds into the "well you got an erection so you must have enjoyed it at some point" school of thought (Felt sick typing that). I told them about the abuse when my nephew was the same age as I was abused. I love my nephew and if anyone touched him as I was touched I would gain justice by any means. I never said it to them but I wanted to say

"Is it normal for a 7 year old to be anally raped?!"

But as the police won't take action there is still a part of me that feels weak, pathetic and perverted. And the anger is over whelming. And to top it all off my parents still live next door to him and his parents.

Basically I can't express the anger and feeling of being let down by my family and society. Thats why I'm fighting to protect kids as an adult.
 
Advice to a teen abuser?

What have your parents done to you?

In my case anyway.

Your question has made me try to understand what I think of my abuser. I've always felt weak because I don't hate him. Although I have had thoughts of harming his property or making his crimes know to the local community. But I come down on the side of me being weak rather than being strong and forgiving. I'm not religious so don't believe in an afterlife and retribution. In all honesty their is a very dark part of me that see's him as the alpha male and me as scum.
 
Hi Ken. This sounds like a challenging topic to cover.

It seems that most teenage offenders would likely fall into one of two main categories, each pertaining to the relative age of their victim(s). If he/she abused someone who is the same age, for example a 16 year old abusing another 16 year old, then a therapist should ask some obvious questions about consent. There should be a focus on the client's twisted perspective on what constitutes a healthy sexual relationship. Appropriate questions should be asked in an attempt to uncover the reasons for such a poor understanding of fair treatment and meaningful intimacy.

If the teenage perpetrator has abused a much younger child (or children), especially if the victim had not yet reached puberty, then a therapist should employ a far more psychologically-intensive set of questions. For example, questions related to intelligence, knowledge, intention, empathy, and attraction (to diagnose pedophilia), as well as to the likelihood of whether or not the abuser also happens to be a victim of abuse.

I was sexually abused beginning at the age of 5 by an older male relative -- a 16 year old cousin. Even though he was much older, I was aware he wasn't an adult. Because he was considered to be another child when it began, I think I blamed myself. I feared that my inability to stop him would make a strong case for at least a degree of guilt on my part. My emotionally neglectful mother and physically abusive father, combined with a church that reinforced my own feelings of shame, all contributed to a vicious cycle of childhood sexual abuse. The abuse I endured became chronic and increasingly harmful, finally ending when I turned 14. He turned 26 that year.

Today, I don't usually think of him as a "teenage offender" -- but I suppose he was one at the start. I do not know if he was ever abused himself, but I really don't think it would make much difference to me, personally. The lasting impact of his selfishness and cruelty has emerged as something I often describe as "the fallout". More than 20 years later, I continue to struggle with overwhelming feelings of shame, guilt, low self-worth, and a lack of love and kindness for myself. I've finally been able to acknowledge some of my sadness and anger. Yet for all the years I've thought (sometimes obsessively) about what happened to me, I don't believe he has ever once really thought about me at all -- it was always all about him.

I'm hopeful this helps you and others.

Thank you,
Russ
 
I want to thank everyone for their input. The presentation was accepted and I'll be speaking to professionals who work with adolescent abusers on Feb. 26 in Albuquerque.

I'm going to work on the powerpoint slides and I wanted to give new members to MS a chance to give some input as well as those who wanted to add something if they've already written here. So, if you'd like to give me something to tell the professionals who work with teen abusers, please post here.

Thanks for your input.

Ken
 
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