If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....(Partners' Version)

[Ken Singer LCSW]

(Posted in Male Survivors but reprinted here for partner input)

I've been asked to speak at an upcoming national conference on treatment of youth who sexually offend. This is a conference for therapists who work with this population and there will not be any non-professionals there.

I'm thinking about doing a presentation tentatively titled, "The Voices of Your Victims-- What Adult Survivors Have to Say to You Years After the Abuse".

My intention is to help sensitize these therapists about the immediate and long term consequences of the abuse by adolescents. This includes what their victims went through during and after the abuse, why they couldn't tell, whether they forgave prematurely, how they felt about the abuser in the years afterwards, how it has affected their lives, whether they made efforts to reach some kind of reconciliation, etc.

I'd also like to hear from partners and other family members, particularly from the parents of victims with some of the consequences they have had to deal with over the years.

The presentation may generate handouts for the therapists to take back to their clients for discussion in individual and group sessions.

I'm not looking for angry rants particularly, since I suspect that the adolescent offenders have gotten a lot of that from their parents, court/probation, etc., but I think helping them better understand the longer term consequences will be helpful for their treatment, so they never do this again.

I need to get the abstract submitted in a few weeks and your responses will give me some idea if this is a good topic to present to this conference.

Thanks for your help.

Ken

 

[sis]

Dear Ken,
I am sorry that i didn't see this post before and i hope that it is not too late. But these are my opnions, i hope they help. Alot of these underage offenders were probably victims there selves. To inform them what their behavior does to others is a wonderful thing to put out there, you can add, look what abuse has done to you. My som was abused and when he was about 7yrs old he started acting out on other kids. I put a stop to it and got him into therapy, not immediately but soon enough for him to get the help he needed not to be an abuseer himself. Early intervntion is crucial. Teen offenders with the proper understanding of the lif e long after effects to their victims and support not (the dagger in the heart) but genuine love support and understanding, these folks may not re-offend. That is actually as important as helping the victim because if we can stop just one of these confused and i am sure shamed to no end, then we won't have as many victims to help. We all know that a perp. gets to many before he is done. I am all for prevention and all for helping the world to understand that we are all victims when something like this happens, there are no winners, not the victim and not the perp, and especially not society. I think you have a good idea. at that age they may not be aware at how their behavior can and will effect his victims. Good Luck, light and luv, Sis

 

[Iwanttohelphim]

Hi Ken,

I have not checked back here in a while for my own healing reasons and I hope this is not too late and is a useful response.

My survivor and I are no longer together because of his survivor issues. we split before the wedding could take place. That was just about one year ago.

What I would like the teenage offenders to know abut me, my love, and themselves, is that nothing is permanent. What happened to us, what we did in the past, does not mean that is what will happen tomorrow.

My survivor was molested when he was a very little boy, 5, he had big bouncing blonde ringlets and jewel green eyes. I can see vividly the picture of him in those days, heart shaped face, surrounded by the curls and long eyelashes...slight frame. He was so small and little.

His teenage cousin, who was his favorite person in the whole world, who loved more than anyone- his parents were violent and troubled - who he trusted molested him. My survivor never told anyone until he told me. He vowed it would be something he told his wife one day. He was saving his secret for a person he could trust. he held onto that secret for 32 years.

He brought it up once or twice after that- never describing the circumstance or the acts really. He said "He told me not to tell anyone and if I did he would kill me, and that no one would beleive me". "I trusted him" "I had so many problems because I loved him more than anyone and I didn't know what to think. he was always around". "Now when he is invited to family functions, I can't go and I can't say why. I never want to see him again".

My survivor has graduated as a marine biologist and worked as an aqauirist, but had to leave because, as became evident, he has problems with authority and direction in his life. he then graduated law school and can not work for anyone because of his problems with control and authority. Like many survivors, he is most assuredly Borderline Personality. His pain is deep and his maladaptive coping skills take him farther and farther away from his heart's desires.

He has has a series of unstable relationships which mirror his unstable sense of identity. He is a grown man who can not function.

We met and everything was fine until the rages started, until the verbal and emotional abuse started, and then the physical intimidation and sexual acting out.

I went to therapy. i figured it all out. But it was not enough, it will never be enough, because there is a hole inside of him that no one can fill. Because his cousin betrayed his trust, and took away his ability to trust, my surivor can not trust the only person who ever beleived his pain and could support his way out. My survivor can not perceive goodness in any shape or form and therefore does bad things. He hurts people,people he loves, peoiple he doesn't know.

He can not beleive there is another way than his way.

What I would like teenage offenders to know is that there is another way and it is a choice. I want them to know that they are not the only one's who feel compelled, boxed in, helpless, we all do from time to time, even as adults. That does not mean we do not have a choice about how to act or behave or perceive situations.

I would like them to know that beyond the act of abuse they committed, they condemned generations to suffer. people who have not been born yet, whom their victims will not meet for many years, will suffer because of what they have done. They can continue of that makes then happy, or they can choose to stop. There is forgiveness and salvation. No one is condemned to a lifestyle. It is a choice.

I would like them to know that one year after the end of my relationship with my survivor, I cry everyday for his pain. I would like them to know how far reaching the damage is. I would like them to know what it is to be helpless to help the person we love mot in the world and watch them throw our lives away with their own.

I want them to carry the weight of my broken heart and ease my burden for just one day.

Bunny

 

[Ken Singer LCSW]

I want to thank everyone for their input. The presentation was accepted and I'll be speaking to professionals who work with adolescent abusers on Feb. 26 in Albuquerque.

I'm going to work on the powerpoint slides and I wanted to give new members to MS a chance to give some input as well as those who wanted to add something if they've already written here. So, if you'd like to give me something to tell the professionals who work with teen abusers, please post here.

I'm especially interested in giving them info on how the abuse has affected the relationships (trust, intimacy, addictions, etc) from the perspective of the partner.

Thanks for your input.

Ken