As much as I want to help others, and educate those in the public and even those in the therapy community, I haven't been able to post to this thread, until now, when it may be too late to be of any help.
This is an odd effect in itself, a continuing insidious procrastination of something I know I can do and would even like to do, but cannot do.
Well, so much for that, I decided to cut and paste some stuff from posts I have made, they are by no menas comprehensive, but I hope it helps...
I was abused by my adolescent sister, who is five years older than I.
In my case, the abused boy (now a man) is still seeking approval from his sister. This is a form of reliving the abuse, in my view.
This kind of abuse is so difficult to understand, I think, because it is non-violent, and occurs among opposite sex members of the same family who are under 18.
I thought I was an equal partner in the abuse. In fact, when she ended it, I didn't want to stop. This is part of the manipulation of abuse.
Society just doesn't view early sexualization of boys by girls as any real problem. This is part of what made it so hard for me to realize that I had been abused.
Even now, I have difficulty expressing how this whole process has been for me. I hear the voices of society, "Well, how did you SUDDENLY realize it was abuse? if it is abuse, you would know right away." and "Every boy should be introduced to sex with a beautiful young girl."
I realized the effect in retrospect, and after years of therapy. I noticed a lot of things: I never stayed with a woman for more than a year; I craved outside attention; I never felt that I was getting what I deserved out of life. These were issues tied in with the abuse, but they are not so obvious that I could see that they were direct effects.
And I had a secret, a shameful hidden secret I couldn't share with anyone. I was an exhibitionist. I showed my naked picture to women, played sex games with women on the internet, saw prostitutes, went to strip clubs for solace; at 12, I ran naked past the secretary of my church! Ten years ago, I was arrested for flashing a woman while I was driving. But still I didn't see what was going on. The same shame I felt about what had happened with my sister, and the incredibly deep feeling of rejection I had because she STOPPED (that is ironic, huh?) was replaying over and over, as I tried to get women to respond, immediately and sexually.
My definitions and feelings of love, attraction and sex are skewed from 'normal.' Again, this area is confusing, even now, because these skewed emotions were taught to me by an attractive member of the opposite sex with whom I already had a love relationship. I learned shame and secrecy right along with it. I learned that sex FEELS GOOD, whether it is between consenting adults or underage family members. I learned all of this before I was physically ready and well before I could have any emotional distance from it. I never told anyone, out of shame and feelings of responsibility. So the experience became my sexuality.
These feelings (which I, perhaps inappropriately, called love or lust) are almost hard-wired into my brain. If I had a 'normal' sexual upbringing, my feelings would have grown naturally.
But I didn't, and they didn't and there they are, like a tree that has bent to grow around a rock or a wall in its path. I might be able to remove the rock, but I cannot go back and change the way the tree grew.
I can help it, though, to stay strong growing in a healthier direction.
For me, the lingering effects of love and lust as taught by abuse are the very tricky parts for my wife and for me. I always hope she can understand that some of the lust 'artifacts' I feel do not affect my love for her or my attraction to her. Like a drug addict or alcoholic, though, I feel them almost every day.
Then of course, there are other, enduring effects - lack of self-worth, underachievement, inability to recognize my own strengths, that sort of thing.
Physical problems include: acute anxiety attacks, severe depression (clinically diagnosed). I abused drugs and alcohol for years.
My treatment has worked - I have gone to weekly talk therapy for almost five years, focused on abuse issues for the last year or so, I have been taking 300 MG of Effexor for almost as long, which has helped tremendously, along with the therapy in reducing the effects of the anxiety and of depression; I use ativan during intense anxiety, taken only when necessary, now usually about once a month.
I journal, I write poetry, I garden and I build things. I play music. These are all very therapeutic for me.
There you go,
James
