>>>>1). If you had to give advice to save a friend from suicide because of the SA what would it be? He isn't considering but I just wanna know the most important thing you think we should remember if life gets us to down to cope.
Direct quote from my fiance who is a SA survivor:
"Things wont always be as bad as they are now, they wont' always be the way they are now. Have faith that with effort, work, education, growth, things will improve for the better. Recovery is a one way street.. there's no going back to the way things were there's only forward."
>>>2).
He can't find words to express his actions, this is his most frustrating. What have you found makes this better.
Tell him that expressing feelings is a difficult task for many men SA or no SA - its not something that many guys have been taught to do or that it is even important.. most guys have been socialized to go throw a ball around or to beat something up but not to sit and "talk feelings" - that is something that is definitely the perogative of women (I think we learned it well through our "group therapy" sessions in high school washrooms.. guys have always wondered why we had to go pee in groups). BUT unfortunately many men dont have this skill... and here male SA survivors are in desperate NEED to learn this skill in order to recover from SA (defining and talking about feelings is critical for SA recovery). Tell your partner talking about feelings CAN be learned through education/therapy and he is not alone. MANY male survivors feel this way.
>>>3).I think he is "acting in" more than out. I am his life. Good for me I always thought but now I know why. He is shy, not outspoken and takes a while to gain anyones trust. What have you learned to overcome the fear of "trust"?
This is a tough one. My partner's therapist tells him to "go out on a limb" from time to time - take a few risks, not really scary ones but little ones and see that the world does not end when he does so. My fiance actually feels a bit better about himself when he takes a risk and realizes that he has gained something.
>>>4).
He has a problem with emotions. Even with me during our discussions. He shuts down. Said it was like when he was younge. He fought at first then gave in later because it was easier. To fight would make it last longer. To cry; to who? Who cared? He then and now deals with it inside. Will his wall not fall soon; how strong can he be?
This sounds like it could be the concept of "learned helplessness" that I discussed in my other post. In my rleationship I have urged my partner to "go out on a limb" and state something that his bothering him somewhere in his life - in our relationship, at work, with a friend, and see that he CAN enact change in his relationships and in his life NOW. And one success builds on another.
Also my fiance has educated me through his SA therapy experiences that shutting down CAN be also be a typically male way of dealing with anger.. and that anger is really a shield to shut down the difficult feelings that he just cannot handle. With education and talkign about things, learning to talk feelings, learning about SA and that he is not alone, even posting on here he may get to the point where his load will be lifted somewhat where he wont be so scared and so stuck and may be able to NOT shut down - that it might not be so scary and so heavy for him.
>>>5). To talk, to open up; should he be scared. He is frightened of the thoughts and how they will affect him. Do most of you agree it is better to talk then to bottle it up. Does life seem better or worse? The more he talks the more he remembers, is that good? What do you do with the info?
It is definitely better to talk about things than to bottle them up. BUT it is not always effective to resort to a VENTING style of talking - there has to be some "motion" in the talking (some kidn of behaviour change, some kidn of cognitive shift).
With SA there is so much shame and guilt too that many survivors just clam up - but my fiance has learned that many of the things he is dealing with are a) common to others b) legitimate and c) not his fault.. and his load has been lightened significantly. It took him a LONG time to open up in his SA group.. but now he is finding that it is getting easier.
However WE as partners have to be careful with this one. Always remember you are his PARTNER not his therapist. I dont try to take on too much of my fiance's issues with SA except the ones that affect me directly (anger issues, control (him trying to control ME issues that is) issues, substance abuse issues, household responsibility issues). We have to remember that our partners really are the ones who have to fight this battle themselves. We cannot do it for them.
Personally I dont want my relationship's main purpose to be a crutch to get him through the hard times. I tried that with an ex and when he felt better, he moved on, and I felt very used.
I want to have a mature, loving, healthy relationship where we can get married, have kids, etc. I dont want to be in a relationship where I am the sole source or the sole repository of his feelings and his sole resource and sole supplier of energy and self worth. I dont have enough time and energy to take on that job. I want him to direct that to his journal or to his therapist/therapy group, to process what elements that affect our relationship, keep me in the loop from time to time but no more than that.
>>>
Do we leave it alone, what is better?
You yourself may benefit from talking to a therapist who understands male-female issues and abuse issues in relaitonships. There are some key roles/boundaries that we as partners should NOT cross. How our partners deal with his SA is NONE of our business (i.e. if they get into a group, what therapist they see, if they post on this site, etc). However, any LACK of dealing with issues and how they affect US and our relationship ARE our business.
I have found that there is a fine art of defining "my stuff" and "his stuff" and where to leave him alone to wade through his pain alone and where to help. There is a major tendency for female partners to "save" our men, but we have to allow them to feel their pain, to learn some lessons the hard way (the "I saw that coming a mile away" moments) , to allow them to still experience those difficult things that are motivation for them to keep on healing and growing. It is a natural tendency for many women to "do for" their families/partners but in some ways that is NOT productive to the healing that must be done by our survivor-partners. We cannot allow ourselves to become codependents to the point where our partners cannot heal.
now than he was when those were the only things that meant something to him. I can feel like the part of him that he gives to me, he gives because he chooses to, because it is fulfilling, and not because it is all he knows or has. And when he does take risks and go out and do something for himself, he is usually pleasantly surprised.